My broken heart that saved my life....

I've learnt to love my broken heart with every atom of my being.
It has become my best friend.
It has been with me since my childhood and become my only constant, my only go to, my only place tucked away for only me to feel.

It enabled my quiet side, my deep, unwavering pensive and wounded side.
A side, that without it, would never have lead me along my life path. Collecting tools along the way that now prove so valuable, that I know the best is still to come.

It broke me into a thousand pieces, sliced me up and left scars so deep that I had no choice but to embrace it, snuggle it up and with my soul for guidance, quieten a pain so powerful, that it had manifested in a long term physical disease. But this dis-ease, I have recently learnt to live with and slowly reduce, day by day.

A dis-ease that I feared would define me, wrap itself around me so tightly, that I would splutter and choke and surely die.

This disease has, unbeknown to me, regularly pushed me to my limits.
It has tested my strength and my power until I'm exhausted and heavy with darkness.
A disease that boasts anxiety, addiction, extreme constant pain and popping joints and limbs. Fatigue, dyslexia, dyspraxia, brain fog, and depression, plus an entire resume, full of equally delightful ailments.

But I am a fighter. I am strong. And I can beat it.

Me and my broken heart have teamed up once again.
But this time we are knowledgeable, we have gifts and we are brave beyond my wildest dreams.
We are compassionate, we are loving. We have matured. And we are on our way to helping heal the world. Starting from within.

I have a fire in my heart that will never permit me to give up. It is what keeps me from deep waters, deeper pockets and heavy stones.

There is a white light that fills every inch of my mind and body at any time I need it. I could drown happy in its warmth.
Each morning and evening I soak up this light, and I am still.

I am the luckiest person I know. Because I won’t let life beat me.

Love is the answer!

As I look around this empty apartment.
Nostalgia becomes me.
Sadness slithers in my back door.
I was so strong through this all..
Until now.


As reality rears its ugly head.
As the hours pass me by..
Tomorrow all of this will be my goodbye.

I told myself I wouldnt do this.
I told myself I not would cry.
I told myself I'd be strong.
And not let these feelings knock me back down on the floor.

Change is painful.
Change is real.
Change is suppose to be beautiful.
An opening door..
Providing a better life for me..
One so much better than before..

So why am I so sad.
I knew this day would come.
The day I finally walked out that door.

Sometimes I feel like there's a deep hole inside of my heart, a void that at times seems to burn.

Its funny to think about, but I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.
Waves of powerful emotion thrashing against a cold hearted wall, thats long forgotten how to feel at all.

I have this dream of being happy, and whole.
Not going to bed every night..
Waiting..
Wanting..
Wanting something that may not even be in the cards for me.

I just wanna be seen.
I just wanna be loved.
I just wanna be somebodys somebody.
I just want..
The real thing..


The kind of love that whispers softly to your soul and lights you up like the fourth of july.
The kind of love that with just a kiss, time slows down and the world melts around you..like a flame to a candle.

But its hopeless to dream...
Sometimes I think, maybe I already had my chance at happiness..

Maybe I was supposed to feel the crash and burn of unrequited love.

Maybe the firey second degree burns from that firey end was suposed to be my lessons learned..

I dont know...
I know that I dont want to believe it.
But maybe love just isnt meant to be...


For me.