Aniseed

Aniseed Jul 9

Untitled

Some days, all it takes is a whisper

A stray thought. A smokelike wisp

I want to drown in the silence of my life

Gentle like this snowfall

I count the threads of my grief quietly

Writing in tandem with this sorrow that roots itself in the pit of my stomach

I promise I am not all of this; or rather, this is not all of me.
I am flesh and bone and laughter and full.

But there are days when the static claims the nerves under my skin and the ache throbs in my soul.

Those days, these days, I come to you

Well it's been some time, hasn't it?
Wrote this some time back. Not really snowing in July, after all.

Hope you're well.

#silence #grief #introspection #dramatic

Aniseed Nov 2020

Blush Haze

I see now
The beauty that hides
At the bottom of
A wine bottle

Siren calls in
The vibrations under
My skin

It's a very tempting
Sort of numbness
That almost supersedes
My will to persevere

How rose like
It all feels

It will not claim me,
But at least now I understand
The motivations
Of those around me
Who had given in.

I've seen too much of this to let it get me, too

#alcohol #numb

Aniseed Jun 2020

Ribbons

-------------------
I feel as if it's hidden
In a long forgotten drawer -

The little tack of happiness
I would stick against the door.

Listing, sinking, drowning:
A ship without a shore,

I'd like to watch my troubles fall
Like ribbons on the floor.
-------------------

For lack of a better title.

I don't know.

#lost

Aniseed May 2020

Culpable

Did your heart stop
From the alcohol
Or the memory of my disdain?

Did it shatter
Or freeze in motion?

My mouth turns into cotton
And my eyes into glass
At the thought that I may
Have been the cause of your
Broken heart.

Thinking about you lately.

#dad #selfish #guilt #death #broken #heart

Aniseed Apr 2020

Untitled

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they always mention the sins of our fathers
but never the trauma of our mothers

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It takes two to tango.

#father #mother #sin #trauma

Aniseed Mar 2020

Sister

There are still nights
Where the frequency in my head
Pierces the silence,
And every face I thumb through
Looks like yours.

Your ghost breathes heavy
In this house
And you still manage to
Be the center of every conversation.

Part of me hated that about you.

There's something inside that says
Remembering the fire and the snow
Is both betrayal and therapy;
You were not,
In any sense of the word,
Perfect.
But the blood dried on your face
Once ran in your veins
And your heart beat with
How fiercely you fought
Against the world.

In retrospect, you were my
Biggest muse.

Part of me loved that about you.

Quite a bit of my writing had been - and still is, I guess - inspired by my late sister. It's been one year, three weeks, and six days.

#sister #death #mourn #introspective #muse #fire #ghost #therapy

Aniseed Dec 2019

Journal Writings IX

In Pantheon roars,
We shouted
And threw boulders
In the night
Where the sirens
Were our only witnesses

-----------------------

Give me back the mornings
Of quiet snow and soft music

The yawning sun, not quite
Awake

Give me the solitude, the
Fleeting moments of sanctuary
So I may find myself a saner
Sort of clarity

There is peace in snow

-----------------------

I once wrote on unrequited love: "This is going to take some time."

It's felt like lifetimes.

-----------------------

If it hurts to hear
Your heart beating,
What was it that
I wanted, then?

If I ran away again,
What would happen then?

What would happen, then?

Recently moved, combing through old journals for inspiration. For... something.

I hope anyone reading this is doing well and to remember that they're good enough.

#journal #introspective #unrequited #rambling #peace #snow