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Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2024
Life's about the suffering
Peace a destination
What is more important
Is what happens duration

Impossible to self-pardon sins
Plagued with doubt and fear
What if darkness creeping within
Sronger than the light inhabiting here?

Worrying is not worth the toll
I have to pay my dues
No one can walk path for me
Don't wear the same size shoes

Each break and bruise instruction
Finish line forever unknown
Happy endings fantasy
Majority synthetic like silicon

It has to shift before we surrender
To assimilation of society
In-between consciouslessness
And controlled compliancy

After Point A wandered astray
Point B hopeless cause
Meandering sheep in a deluded daze
Progression practically on pause

Creativity and cerebration rare
Killed in each as a child
Brainwashed being obedient
Different labeled 'wild'

Those in power yearn to program every step
Shaping image to fit their mold
Corrupt agenda is nothing new
Most don't realize they are trapped in their hold

I want to lead uprising
But I simply am too afraid
Remember when surroundings were calmer
Present for past I desperately long to trade

We had plenty of time to correct behavior
There is an existing disconnect
From planet earth and each other
Too immersed in screens for paths to intersect

A thousand unanswered questions
In silence reality is revealed
Up to us to find purpose in this dimension
Stumbling blindly through this battlefield

We are closer to cliff than we realize
Inching towards edge each day passing by
Shadows halting vision with uncertainty
Wings clipped so we are unable to fly
About the way society is in relation to our government and just how we have been regressing and it's exactly what those in power want. Wake the **** up people, especially Americans!
  Nov 2024 Amanda Kay Burke
Jill
Nightly whiskey flow
stains a white-walled childhood home
Parents seem blurry
Love and danger co-occur
Paroxysms of anger

In childhood there’s no room for shades of grey
It’s black or white, confusion sits unused
A place for everything and each in place
And I am in control and thus to blame
Come adulthood to show me I’m confused

So, consequences passed down like a gift
In genes and in behaviours left unchecked
To witness fights, hard falls, deep burns, and pain
The trauma transfer, second-hand ingrained
With love and anger, care and dark neglect

Then later roughly realise there was wrong
The blend of wrong and love is hard to hold
Most often see the child who fails at school
With low self-concept, guilt, hot shame, and fear
But all built strength and power left untold

Compensatory
change for homeostasis
Strong roles adopted
Scars deftly hidden
Chaos-order alchemy

I must be The Responsible One
Parentification at maximum pitch
A list-making, chore-running, stable-housemaster
A self-worth creator from jobs neatly done
All leisure-time wary and leadership-rich

I must be The Adjuster as well
Will follow directions and bounce from extremes
A dime-spinning, change-juggling, fresh puddle-jumper
Surprise and emergency make me excel
More calm at the edges than flat in-betweens

I must be The Calming Placater
Maintaining still waters whatever my price
A vigilant, change sensing, smoothing class helper
To people-please acts as a guilt-shame assuager
All pliable, social, and overly nice

Imperfect but strong
coping mechanisms forged
Power in order
Capable, dependable
Psyche shaped by survival
©2024

The role descriptions in this poem (The Responsible One, The Adjuster, The Placater) are based on an article by Claudia Black (1979), called "Children of alcoholics," published in Alcohol Research and Health (4(1):23-27).

BLT Webster’s Word of the Day challenge (paroxysm) date 22nd November 2024. Paroxysm is a formal word that refers to a sudden strong feeling or uncontrollable expression of emotion.
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2024
Pain within my every word
Mental instability
Never very kind or patient
Definitely not conducive to tranquility

Oh to be free all I long for
World exterminated of hate
Something I've dreamt about often
Life has refused to cooperate

Relaxation an overstayed houseguest
Won't take my subtle hints to leave
Some think I enjoy lazy demeanor
Desperately wish goals I could acheive

I'm not worthless degenerate
Just process events differently than most
A am a lost soul fighting depression
Inside haunted by a nameless ghost

With zero way to discover a road to bliss
Words I scribble my comfort when dark
Everything is a fleeting experience
Perception altered by every harmful remark

Is swallowing truth so hard
That it sticks in back of my throat?
If it is I'll forcefully choke it down
Weight why it's difficult to float
I got hit with writer's block so that's why the ending is somewhat abrupt
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2024
Do colors seem pastel through eyes?
Yellow sunshine overhead
I wonder if hues would still appear bright
If your property instead..

It could've stopped escalating
Long long long ago
No quantity of ******* in the universe
Will stop from feeling hollow

I'm sure ways exist to justify
Type of behavior I hate
Perception of surroundings is so skewed
Probably think it looks great

Why would tidiness matter to you?
Not like the lot is in your name
I am the one forced to deal with consequences
You are the one to blame

It is obvious to any rational mind
Discipline is way past due
No longer willing to ignore the signs
The problem is linked to you

You distinctly do not give a **** about our feelings
Otherwise wouldn't have even begun
Now your hoarding is so out of hand
Don't recognize what land has become

I suppose that is what we get for our kindness
Foolishness leading us here
No good deed unpunished
If nothing else that much is clear

This destiny avoidable
Would have been easy to just say no
Generosity in our nature
Had no clue collection would grow

Don't comprehend how people live
In such a state of disarray
Chaos utterly consuming all around
Convinced carnage completely okay

I would have never guessed a human being
Could be so disastrous by design
Have been too lenient but now
It is about time we draw the line

We offered a chance to change outcome
Still carry on making a mess
Zero guilt or remorse displayed
This is what you call "trying your best"

The stress getting heavier
Longer we allow mayhem to go on
Most ******-up part is I suspect you believe
Truly aren't doing anything wrong

Maybe seek professional help
Only suggesting because I care
Anyone with some degree of mental stability
Of disorder would be aware

So you either are totally insane
Or taking advantage of our big hearts
Regardless something has to give
Before each vehicle there is in parts

The blatant disrespect overwhelming
Allow an inch and you take a mile
Only solution I can figure out
Has been coming awhile

Our patience wearing for months
Finally it has broken through
After the ******* we've tolerated
What do you expect us to do?

Just let you persist in accumulating junk?
As if deed to there is your own?
Until entire acre is swallowed up
And gone is beautiful location once-known

You have already inflicted a huge excess
Of destruction that can't be reversed
Acting entitled to anything there
Helping yourself without inquiring first

When you first parked bus we were misled
Under impression it was a temporary situation
Fact that your habitat keeps expanding
Expresses this is more than only a vacation

Are you even seeking somewhere else
To store belongings and dwell?
From where I'm standing it appears
You revel in making lives hell

Trash scattered in corners
Gets worse as you round each next turn
Are you that lazy and careless?
You can't put in one place and burn?

You disassemble things for no reason
If unbroken you tear it in pieces
Never reconstructing the objects you ruin
All the while cache increases

If not halted the amount will proceed growing
Until visible from space
I'd like to admit you are capable
Sadly that is not the case

Not to mention attention drawn
From law enforcement appearing there
Responding from neighbor's calls
Epitomizing our worst nightmare

The two properties connected by owner
Labels us negatively for sure
Positive cops are just awaiting the opportunity
To obtain warrant to search our house once more

Yet doesn't bother you at all
If so you'd minimize risk
Not use grow light to illuminate
And litter public street and ditch

And in the aftermath of these awful actions
Don't apologize for mistakes
Enough is enough
Party is over
Only so much we can take

It's your moment to float along to different shores
A destination new
Feeling physically ill every visit
Welcome is outworn-please shoo!

Half of me honestly fully fed up
Other side weakened by sympathy
I fear if I continue to endure treatment
You will simply walk all over me

And when finally you do move on
Left with an unholy mess
Which will cause a meltdown
Imploding from distress

So I kindly ask you hit the road
Commence process at once
Should have evicted weeks ago
That's not what any of us really want

I hope you don't interpret as declaration of war
You've become used to this "paradise"
Wouldn't have minded you staying here
If you kept it looking nice

But your indiscreet disregard for our disapproval
Has us craving distance badly
For our sanity's sake
You're too selfish sadly

This doesn't mean we don't like you
Loathe the position we're in
Wish we also could embrace the anarchy
Our essence is lacking the echoes within

If there was compromise to be discovered
Wouldn't plead for you to leave
Our standards are so drastically different
Insists harmony impossible to achieve

We often have people abuse our compassion
Silence disrupted only when too much to bear
After being disappointed over and over
Of shadows we should be aware

But within our core care more than we should
Inner voice whispering "they'll have nowhere to go"
If your intention was to carry on residing there
You would have improvement instead of negligence to show

We've idled for months while you should have cleaned up
Take one step forward than two right back
It's evident you won't come to your senses
Perhaps we've cut you a bit too much slack

Now forced to gather belongings
Pick garbage up off the ground
Don't want air to be cold between us
Still don't mind you coming around

I tried hard to be gentle
To my heart I must remain true
Only way to salvage my future home
Is stop you before damage is too bad to undo
about a couple friends of my dad's that he let stay on our other property which is supposed to be mine when he deems me responsible enough to have it in my name and they just completely trashed the place. They are quite possibly the worst hoarders I have ever met and I am not even exaggerating. They could be on an episode of Hoarders no joke. I wrote this as a kind of eviction notice but I never gave it to them because they started moving their **** thank God but I have a feeling I'm going to be left with a bunch of ******* to clean up after they are completely moved out...
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2024
I'm sorry card is a wee bit late
Beautiful items take time to create
I'd like you knowing how special you are
Best father in the world by far
You've cared for me since my very first breath
No doubt will until the day you meet death
I do not always make it easy for you to be kind
Reasons to love me you never fail to find
Dropping me off desired destinations
I lacked my own transportation
You accept me the way that I am
Helping when getting myself into a jam
Still offering piggyback rides (if need be)
Though I weigh more than I did at three
You have my back whether wrong or right
Still allow space to win my own fight
I make messes again and again
Advice taken from you now and then
You and Mom raised to be proud and strong
Integrity instilled so I can tell right from wrong
I have zero clue what the future may hold
Realized time more valuable than gold
Although the one loved the most now is gone
No other choice but drag our feet and carry on
I continue waiting for colors to shine bright once more
The world will never appear as vibrant as before
I miss her laugh and how she smelled
Since the day she passed away earth has felt more like hell
I hear words she said always echoing in my head
"You will regret treating me bad when I'm dead"
The silence permeating house reminds me they were true
Residence doesn't seem like home without BOTH of you
She would not want us to be forever sad
We must find a way to focus on the good moments had
But for now darkness inhabits two souls
Ingesting substances
Never filling holes
You have aged one more year
How could we celebrate without mom here?
I don't blame you making it just another day
I feel exactly the same way
Hopefully next year will be brave enough
Sing happy birthday although it will be tough
Her memory lives on for infinity in our hearts
For her have to do our best to heal our broken parts
So happy belated
Hope card causes you to smile
That the quality made the wait worthwhile
I'm your favorite daughter
You only have one
Tethers that connect us will never come undone
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2024
****** reds
Broken blues
Heaven I want
Hell I choose
A menagerie of scars maps surface of skin
Eternity mocking every sin
Dawn overtakes darkness each day
Shining light inside is conquered by dismay
My heart is armored to protect from getting hurt
Harbor of regret hidden under my shirt
The birdsong becoming constant serenade
Along with the stars
Notes soon will fade
Watching windows
Don't dare crack my door
Bones too delicate to endure elements anymore
An ocean of fears drowning head
Scared to face future
I crawl into a hole instead
These evenings cannot seem to escape the shadow on my heels
Could never explain how immense every single problem feels
They are so heavy I can hardly hold them all
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