Six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
Six months ago I wanted to make sure you were happy before myself.
Six months ago I wanted to make sure it was me causing your happiness.
But it's not six months ago. It is now.

Placed on the spot, People walking by
Eyes shift to my direction,
Snickering and smiling
My anxiety rising
Trying to grip reality,
My superficial temple artery starts pounding, as my heart rate rises.

I can't take this any more I must find the door.

Blackbirds chuckling in the arbor vita;
Vultures circling high
Against the blue and Sunday sky;
House sparrows scolding in the neighbors' trees;
A robin chorister brings Dickinson to mind,
And I don't mind.

Sunday morning's breakfast's done,
And we have time
To smile a little...
Bashful mornings
Just a little now
Even after thirty years.

Tomorrow storms will come;
Next week a tree will fall;
Shadows must make their surly steps
Even as sun slides down...
It's just the way this old world runs.

But this morning,
This Sunday morning,
Bright and fine,
I rest from all my worrying,
Rest in the love I have with you,
Amazed again to have,
Amazed to hold,
A girl like you.

I breathed you in
like the smoke from my
last cigarette;
it was bitter-sweet
to taste you on my lips.
And although I never had anything
all-that-useful to say,
I'd like for it to be known
that I still
           love you.

even if your cancer
is metastasizing
in my
heart.

Death,
into whom
did I turn
in the turning
of time?

Where lays the child
the woman
and all the lovers
once longed for her?

Am I this
elderly woman?

Laying
in this coffin,
sweaty in the cold
(colder than fear:
who glued my lips?),
glimpsing
my still hands
through a slit
of my blue eyes.

What's the use
of the world,
now my voice is gone?

I can no longer
bring this world to life,
to lively truths and lies.

I will deliver it all to fire
as I throw my body into the flames.

And I forget.
And I am forgotten.

[6/6/14]