i don't remember the first time i kissed you but i know for certain it was between when i last called him on the phone and when you took the bobby pins out of my hair and somehow in between that time frame i went from feeling my physical body shrink under the crushing weight of reality to feeling my heart start to rediscover its heartbeat before it completely stopped beating

i don't know when you first started to fall in love with her or when you last looked her in the eyes and decided that leaving would be near impossible to do but all i can say is that if you look at her the way i look at you then maybe i can understand you wanting to go back and i can understand that losing a friend might be worse than losing a lover, but just know that the sunrises we've greeted together will forever be etched in my mind
amidst telling me to be careful there are echoes of you're beautiful's and rooms full of laughter filled from tickles and silly eskimo kisses and even if we were doomed from the beginning and she has your heart entangled in a web strong enough to convince you to leave me know that the soundtrack of all those pink floyd albums we listened to together are always going to remind me of the endless nights we spent together when i was convinced no matter if everything around us burned down we would stay more alive than ever in the fire
i need to be honest with you - i've whispered to countless broken hearts that my eyes cannot reiterate anything others did and no matter how hard my body is squeezed i'll never be able to transform into her when they wake up in the morning, and sometimes i wish i could just because i know you would be happier than ever; maybe happier than i could ever make you; but that doesn't mean that i'll stop trying to make memories of the ashes from something long forgotten
i'll try to build a shelter in your heart to protect it from the storms, i'll try to make you strong enough to face the hail, i'll try to engrave my smile in your clothes so that you can remember we're all imperfect but sometimes even pros aren't faking it, i'll try to show you that hips were made for dancing together in the least likely places, and i'll try to get over my fear of being picked up, i'll try to learn to trust, i'll try to remember that not everyone lies and that maybe, maybe it'll be okay

maybe it wasn't a mistake when our lips clashed together like the way the tide crashes into the sand 46 days ago, maybe it wasn't a coincidence that your couch felt more like my home than my bedroom did, maybe it's not a mistake to give this a try

but, maybe

maybe it is

if you think you're made of steel just remember:
the fire love brings is hot enough to melt even the strongest metal

I keep special memories of you
Hidden deep inside of my chest
So far into my heart
That when I let them out
In the darkness of the night
In the quiet of an empty room
I feel like
I’m having
A heart attack

and darling i will wait for you forever because my brain is too loud and my mouth is too quiet and somehow you make my mouth speak melodies a poet's never dreamt of and my brain hum the tune of silence it only hears in the heartbeat of the dark

Cram, cram, cram, cram
That's starting to become all I am...

Study, cry, sleep, eat
It's a helpless cycle stuck on repeat

Type, write, focus, focus
But I can't look anymore at this bogus

I'll get what I get
because I'll probably forget,
and that's just the reality
of this detrimental lethality.

Don’t tell me sugar coated lies because
I want them to be just as bitter as the truth
when I swallow them

kisses that fit together so perfectly you had me thinking heaven must've sent you, fingers intertwining so effortlessly i realised that the storms inside my body were the only natural disasters standing between us, embraces lasting so long i forgot you weren't my home because ******* if you felt like a shelter

but the naivety of passion and the false truths of *** have left me a long time ago and i've come to notice that the storms within me only rage more to coincide with the things getting in between us, even the best anchorman would tell you they were unavoidable when he, merely a body, pushed her away enough to produce a tsunami that kept beating, and beating, and beating her down

maybe i don't want to face the truth because i keep convincing myself that i'm not drowning but whether it's the water filling up from within me to match that hitting me or the fact that my clothes were never prepared to weather this storm doesn't matter because somewhere deep down i know the only protection i need isn't here right now

i should have known you were just a body, a living, breathing organism; i guess it's my fault i tried to make you superhuman

i'm sorry

the snow is finally thawing and the ground has become visible again/I think I can finally start to forget about what happened back then

and perhaps it's in the moment we realise that we smile with every perfectly crafted moment our lips collide and cause our skin to become tainted in goosebumps because we cannot believe how incredibly lucky we are that we realise yes, i am falling in love

i didn't know what it meant to crave somebody until my body began to feel like i'd fallen victim to the nicotine you've smoked every time we were together
suddenly you're gone
and i feel withdrawal effects
from your words
from your kiss
from you

There's a sound within my chest but I just can't figure out what it is
and I think it's the memory of you that's making me exasperated
but the lack of motivation tells me it's something more.
Don't try to tell me you can fix me when my scars are wounds that
only bleed more and never heal, and don't say that
you know the sound of your mind racing through the dark because
I know my tears could sting through your chest and rip your heart.
You say that sometimes we have to get through it
but something tells me your words don't recoil
into you as much as you'd like to believe, and I'm sure the last time
you thought that was when you were six and life
was okay.
The night is as hollow as the day I turned from a flying bird into
one so injured it forgot how to fly, and the sound
my breath makes is frightening because the room is so empty
not even the remnants of my memories can cling onto the wall.
He looks at me and says cheer up but how can I
when the noise in my rib cage won't stop?

his words hit me so hard he left me unconscious
but he still didn't care enough to stay

it's always the eyes that get people, isn't it?
and it's the way that he smiles and turns his head to let out a laugh
so loud, and so filled with happiness that you can't help but let him in
and no it's wrong
and no the voices are saying it's not okay
and no don't let someone else in
don't break another heart and don't let it break the already broken pieces of you
but you can't help it
and so you cling onto his voice when you have the seas to split you
and you grab as much of that blurred eye of his through the video that you can
and you take every ounce of negative thought and you shove it down the bathtub drain along with your tears
because you feel optimistic for the first time in a long time
and although the fear you have is unconquerable you try to conquer it anyway
because you can do it
and you know that he's making the risk too


you've both been through hell and you've learned how to breath fire
but when you meet someone who turns your fire into water, pulls the knife that's stabbing your thoughts out, you don't just wish they never showed up.