I'm in a relationship with Life,
and together we intertwine fingers as she pulls me in closer and closer
away from the edge of the world.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
and together we push each other to our limits
and when one stops beating the heart of the other is enough to keep us going.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but I'm flirting with that dame in black named Sorrow
and she keeps tugging at my arm and flashing me a smile that begs for attention.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but I'm starting to feel my shackles as she no longer works with me but against me,
and the jealousy she has perpetuates whatever happiness we might have together.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but I'm now cheating with the comfort of Sorrow,
and I often sit alone in my room with her black veil near me
as the flowers slowly die outside.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but she rarely comes around anymore,
and so she causes me to look at Sorrow in her eyes,
and wonder, "Where is my Life, anyway?"

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I'm no longer in a relationship with life, for she has left me to **die.

maybe you fell in love with my smile first even though I hate it, because when you told me I was beautiful it was the first time I smiled in a long time

and maybe you fell in love with my eyes next, because they're a new level of intensity - a new level of madness

and maybe you fell in love with my words last, because those late night whispers were just what you needed when your world was crashing down before you

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maybe you started to hate my laugh first, because you realized most of the time it's fake and I'm not the happy person you need

maybe you began to let go of my hair next, because th knots tied too thickly around your fingers and that's not romantic, that's not ****

maybe you slowly started to despise my words later, because you began to let go of romantic gestures and left me alone to utter my poems in the dark

love changes


you're changing

I'm conveniently late to everything
so why can't I be conveniently late to life?

you are the closest thing i think i have ever had to perfection

you are the cliche perfectly imperfect to me; you are the pathetic love story teenage infatuation boy who makes me smile more than i should when i think of you, the boy who makes me want to stay with him for the rest of the hours in the day, the boy who makes me wish i could stop time, the boy who makes everything feel right

you are what makes my day complete

your laugh, your eyes, the way you always smell like clean clothes, the fact that i have stuffed my head in your chest enough to know your scent, the way you're always warm, the way you do things just to make me smile, the fact that you always continue the conversation even when we have nothing else to say, the way you say my name when you're concerned, the way you hug me, the way you just touch my hair, the way it falls back from your touch as paralyzed as i am

you are more than just a boy

you are my 4am thoughts, you are my 2am thoughts, you are my thoughts all the time, you are the lead in my pencil, you are what forces me to write, you are why i look forward to the mornings, you are the reason i dont study and cant sleep, you are the reason i want to sleep, you are why i constantly stay on my computer during class, you are what fuels motivation, you are the only boy i cannot lie to, you are the only boy i have never wanted to lie to, you are the only boy i have ever thought was this worth fighting for...

there is an invisible barricade*

sometimes i stand in a pocket of space with you where it just feels right, where everything seems to melt away, where i go home and listen to songs and just think about you, and hear the words "we might be dead by tomorrow" constantly from my computer speakers, telling myself that one day i will send you that song so you can understand that today is for today because there may not be a tomorrow and yesterday has already gone, but i know that deep down i can never get you to understand this

your presence lingers far after you leave

when you walk away i don't want you to; i've never wanted you to. it sounds ridiculous but your presence makes me happy and i don't understand it but i just understand that i like the feeling and i don't want that feeling to end, and when you leave it does end, but you seem to stay in my memory for a long time after that

i am frustrated

i am frustrated with how much i happen to like you, with how much you impact me and how happy you make me, because this puts me out of my element, and i am frustrated that there seems to be so much potential between us, there seems to be so much happiness, i know things about you no one does, remember? and i will always be willing to learn more because i do not want to stop learning more; i learn more about you everyday...

i am scared, too

the prospect of whatever this is that we have, whatever you want to call it, scares me too, because that means that we have to sacrifice a friendship in the name of something better, knowing that it may end. but i am willing to drop everything and sacrifice it all for this, and i know that deep down you are too, and i know that right now if you ever see this you will say i do? and i will respond, gently, with a you do, because sometimes things mean something more than what we think they do, or they mean more than we are willing to admit them to

when will the barricade fall

let me perform a coup d'etat on your heart, let me break down the remnants of previous love and pain and let me build my own wall there, myself, one that you and i will stabilize throughout time, together. let me let your guard down, let me let you finally fall on a cushion, let me be the person there at 4am, let me be the one there in your worst moments and your best, during summer nights watching the sunset, during winter nights when the dark encompasses everything and everyone

and around every corner in the dark
I keep hearing your name
strung together like a haunted voice from my past
again and again

i tell myself i'm independent and strong and made of metal
but the minute somebody comes into my life and holds me
the minute arms press against a heavy hearted chest
the second lips kiss a tired body
iron turns into honey
and they
the bee

hanging around like picture frames in my mind but for some reason i only decided to paint pictures of you, reaching memories in file cabinets i can never seem to close, the key swallowed by my hardheadedness to never forget the good and the bad, confusing tears for what was with tears for what could be and somewhere in between finding myself in the what is, standing alone in that corridor in my head that i love to walk in when it's three am and i'm alone in my bed

with each memory there becomes an association with you
which is why i try so hard not to ask things or say things
because one day i will need to turn around and walk down
somewhere where we walked, listen to a song you like,
smell something that smells like you, and i won't be able to.

i wish that i could fix you.

i wish that i could take every single awful memory
that's clouding up that beautiful mind of yours
and throw it down the garbage chute where my own trash
plummets through the narrowness of bricks
and down into the huge trash bin waiting to catch it and
take it away into the world far from me

i wish that i could grab the super glue out of your hand
and i could carefully remove that mask on your face
without any pain and without skin tearing off
with it because of how long it has been on there

and i wish that i could heal every part of you that you feel
has been hurt, from the parts where lactic acid has pumped through
after a tough workout to that familiar place on the right side of your
chest that has tightened after every memory of your
past has been brought up

and now i wish that my words meant something more than the empty
"i'm sorry"s that i'm throwing to your net to catch from a
stupid little screen that cannot convey empathy any better than my carpet
can when i cry into it because i don't think that you really seem to
understand every time you're sad it kills me

but i just sound like a romanticist whose desire is lost in the space of verses
never meant to be read by the only eyes they are intended for

and maybe that's all i'll ever be

don't breathe
don't think
don't listen
don't question
just *kiss me

can i hibernate for a day in the corner of my room
and not be disturbed by the thought of mistakes and
the feeling of my heart digging knives into my chest
out of a rebellion against itself?

Eyes closed, but never asleep.
Heart beating, but never alive.
Eyes open, but never see.
Mouth moving, but never speaking.
Ears listening, but never hearing.
Smiles form, but never happy.
Hands working, but never touching.

Interactions mean nothing as the world becomes silent
around the thoughts that consume me day in and day out.

Where do I go from here?
Where do I go from all the effort,
all the emotions, all the thoughts,
all the dreams, all the wishes,
all the poems, all the hints,
all the implications?

Where do I go from this moment in time,
from waking up every morning wishing
you were mine?

Where do I go from these heart beats,
these sweaty palms,
these nervous laughs,
this inability to be calm?

Where do I go? Do I tell you I'm lost?
I'm confused, I'm bewildered,
and I think I can see the cost.

Can you tell me where to go?
I don't want to find my own way.
I'm waiting for you to show,
just waiting for the day.