Life is just a fantasy
In the light of day
But in the dark of night
That's when my demons come out to play
They whisper and fester
Beneath my skin
They tell me I'm worthless
That I'll never win
They fight all the light
And drag out the darkness
All my pain is renewed
My sorrow and my sickness
They hide behind my eyes
While my life passes me by
But when I'm quiet at night
They're always nearby
To tell me I'm nothing
And to keep me contained
To shake me and break me
While I'm still chained
By my past insecurities
And deepest fears
My demons are my life at night
And have destroyed all I hold dear.

Only takes a small axe
to chop down a tree.
Which one are you
is the other me?
Could be harder to untangle
roots deep weave
from what we have
to who we could be.
Shall we close the book now
go our separate ways
and wonder how the story
could've played?
Or do we carry on growing
creating page after page
trying to forget the trees  
from which they were made?

Welts on my hands
knuckles cut raw
back is aching
can't work no more.
Been thinking of this
losing a fight with that.
Wish I had a million
or a cowboy hat.
Cast my nets
caught nothing to eat.
I'd place my bets,
but the odds are too steep.

But when I see you
all pain disappears
can't imagine anyone else
beside me in my older years.
You're a priceless love
my buckaroo.
I never feel hugry
when I can feast on you.
I've nothing to risk
since I won your hand.
But when you're not near
I'm a lost useless man,
so I am.

Thought is a boat
on the oceans of mind.
Waves, the emotions,
flow and ebb of the tide.
Curiosity steers the rudder,
Imagination the sails
billow by winds sigh.
Stars are interlect
for the sextant
there to guide
The elements are senses
influenced by outside.

My boat sails forever
upon this deep blue
drawn by the current
in servitude to you.

When you see the moon
Come and take me by my hand
Walk me on the moonlit beach
Then sit us on the sand

But your arms around me
And ask me what I see
I’ll say, the moon and its reflection
In the waves, upon the sea

You will tell me, I’m your moon
And so, forever will you be
My reflection in your heart
For what you mean to me

I will say, that’s why I love you
You make me glow all night
You will say, that’s why, you love me
I am, the reflection from your light
BOEMS BY JA 510

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I don't see how you can walk through these halls with a smile on your face,
Because even after all of the struggles that you've faced,
They STILL think you're a disgrace,

Because you look in the mirror and you never like what you see,
But you take in a deep breath and count,
1
2
3

The scars on your arms,
They've mainly faded,
But I know how they came to be painted,
Because you used to go by a different name,
And they still call you that,
So when I say 'Derek' they say 'Derek who?'

Because you look in the mirror and you never like what you see,
But you take in a deep breath and count,
1
2
3

You look down on yourself and declare 'I am a boy'
Because your body gives you no other choice,
And poor Derek who used to go by another name,
You try to tell them but it's all in vane,
Because Derek the boy was born in the body of a girl,

And so you walk through these halls with a smile on your face,
Because even after all of the struggles that you've faced,
They STILL think you're a disgrace,

And  you look in the mirror and never like what you see,
But you take in a deep breath and count,
1
2
3

Depression is gradual,
It doesn't start off looking in the mirror and thinking 'I hate myself'
It's more like every day you get worse and worse until eventually you realize how many times a day you fake a laugh,
It's the times you wanted to curl up into a ball but instead you fake a smile and act normal.

Depression is not self harm,
It isn't defined by the number of scars you have or how deep they are,
It isn't the nights spent crying or how your home life is,
It's feeling tired all the time and having this hole in your chest that no amount of fake smiles can fill.
It's nights spent staring at a wall or constantly sleeping because nothing is worth doing.

Depression is not romantic,
It can't be cured with a few hugs and I love you's,
It isn't scars to be kissed or bruises to be caressed,
It's nights spent alone even when there are people beside you,
It's emptiness and realizing that all of those things you used to do, that you used to revel in, aren't worth it anymore.

Depression is real,
It isn't wanting attention or someone to tell you everything will be fine,
It isn't wearing short sleeves so people notice your scars or telling everyone how sad you are,
It is looking at the casket of one of your friends because we didn't notice it, because no one saw the signs,
It's a noose around your neck 24/7 because that's all you can think about,
It's emptiness and loneliness,
It's sleepless nights but sleep filled days,
It is the worst feeling in the world,
Depression is real and depression kills