How innocent. First thoughts like a child’s simplicity of mind.

Momentarily there is freedom.

Mere seconds this time. Freedom nonetheless.

There is something in the corner.

Looming.

Controlling.

Somehow forgotten in the ignorance of slumber. Suffocating memories slip through the cracks of a fragile mind.

Conscious to a stomach now twisting with knots. Flittering and fluttering of delicate wings.

Tendrils of blackness penetrate. Clinging to every fiber of being.

Carefully step into your refined façade.

Smile when necessary. Laugh when appropriate.

How are you?

Are you okay?

So easy it is to believe your own white lies.


© Jordan Costigan

I'm the one who must stare
At the image in the mirror--
See the stranger standing there.
I'm the one who must stick
Through the thick and thin of it--
Can't leap overboard when you're the ship.
Somehow I must get along;
I may be mad. I may be wrong.
Regardless, I must soldier on.

And you have choices. As do I.
We can judge the way I try,
Manipulate and justify.
Over there you can stand,
Chastise and reprimand.
On a high horse, wield command.
But when you trot away from this,
I'll still have to live with it.
No space in this relationship.

So I will twist and bend your facts.
Moral high ground: counteract.
Reshuffle so no longer stacked.
It's not from malice or a grudge
That I change the story for the judge--
You must believe: it is out of love.
A love for myself that I must maintain--
For you can always walk away,
But, good or bad, I must remain.

My slippery friend came knocking today.
Sensing my fear yet my unwillingness to yield gives him pause.
My mind is stronger, I am stronger.
Healing is always tougher than surrender, winning is certain.
Two steps back but three forward.
Confused jumble of thoughts like sharks circling,
Waiting for the opportunity to attack.
I drip my blood into the water, daring them to face me.
But the shark is the coward, not me.
I win again today but I may lose tomorrow,
Fighting fists are wrapped, my mind shield fits me now.
I am ready for the good fight at last.
Peace will be my reward.

I am distant.
Like the stars.
I burn slowly,
I burn dully,
You will see me only
If you take the time to stare.
For I am the kind of light you might
Not even know is there.

Cup your hands around me--
But very softly--
Leave some space,
Not too tightly.
Just enough to halt the penetrating light.
Peek between the gaps,
See if you might glimpse
The faintest glow of... something?
Just against your fingertips.

Obtained at a time of whimsical fancy.
Stuck to the ceiling/wall whilst chasing youth.
Left to be there--
Near forgotten--
Just another fixture in the room.
But when the light has grown weak,
Lying there, cannot sleep,
Mind too full to count sheep:
I'm here for you to affix your eyes.

A reminder of who you once were
And who you'll never be again
And who you are.
A symbol for... for cosmos
And questions and answers
And stars.
All within a glow.
Which, in any other circumstance,
Wouldn't even show.

This is the light I have to offer:
All that I can be.
And I can give you something simple,
Subtle magic,
But only if you stop to see.
Only when the lights are off,
The sun is gone,
The dark opaque.
Only then: you'll see my glow.
Even then: it's faint.

Not for wild celebration--
But rather quite contemplation.
A moment for yourself.
A moment to look in.
A quite moment in the dark:
That is what I am.

I cannot guide the way.
I will never light the room.
Won't break the darkness,
Lead the masses,
Assist a flowered bloom.
Please don't ask me to.
Please don't expect me to.
But, if you let me,
I can glow in the dark for you.

Under bruised skies
in late July
she hoarded electric life
in blue Ball jars

Dandelion dust
twitched across her face
as time
inevitably would

I look around;
I know this place
Lost in a gaze
Upon your face.
Your lips,
Your soul:
Secrets untold.
In your eyes
Shine brilliant lies.
On your cheeks
Is where you keep
The tears you've wept:
Promises unkept.
I know this pain.
I know this war.
I have lived it all before.
And looking now upon your heart
I see it ripping you apart.

But I cannot help--
Can't offer solace.
Can't reassure you'll escape flawless.
For all my battles,
All lines crossed,
This is the war that I lost.

I am a borrower
collecting things that shine
all stashed in cracks and hidey-holes
where the rafters meet the roof
in the basement floorboards
lift one and you'll see
the treasures I've collected
two gorgeous glassy eyes
seven gilded antique buttons
a bouquet of sweetly fragrant lilies
a gleaming jar of pixie dust
three noble barristers
an Irishman netting butterfly dreams
a sorceress of the endless prairie
windmills like soldiers all in a line
the saddest porcelain doll
a small brown bear
trains screaming by on underground rails
a sprinkling of desert blooms
six jack-in-the-boxes so I'm always surprised
the hairless stuffed dog that bit me as a child
a Rickenbacker bass softly riffing the blues
a farmer's Ovation to accompany my woes
seashells that sing the ocean breeze
a merman from the Northern seas
tucked away in every space
packed within each sweet hollow
these simple pleasures I have borrowed

Do not touch my fragile skin
Your finger tips burn my soul
I do not need the love you hold in your heart
It is dark and wanting
You stray from the path
The wolf of fairy tales is your guide
Slowly step away from me
Take your sun from my eyes and your moon from my nights
I love only the earth below my feet
All else means that this is no longer fantasy
Burning desire
Blood dripping
Miracles are made when we forget to distrust
You wandered passed me
You turned your head
I so wish you had turn down a different road
I'm happy alone
Shall I shout that from the highest hill
IM HAPPY
Now roll back down and retrieve your crown of thorns
Righteousness dressed in evil disguise
Do not touch my fragile skin
Please look down and pass me by
Your sight upon me burns my soul
I can't live that way again