A thunderous storm cloud on the horizon it loomed:
The day when I would have to say goodbye to him and his family,
A family so much a part of me it felt as if they were my own

The storm cloud neared, and lightning began to pierce my heart
I was unfamiliar with this sensation, with him as the storm
He had always been a ray of sunshine in my life

What would I do without seeing his brilliant smile everyday
Without his kind heart, his unconditional love, his assurance that I was always enough
Without his whip-smart humor, his contagious laugh, his mop of curls

I felt as if I was losing him and his smile, maybe for good
As if the sun might never warm me with its rays again
But I had forgotten that the sun still shines when it can't be seen, even when it's on the other side of the nation

And so he left to shine his light on another part of the world, but I always remembered how bright he burned
He illuminated my life from afar, and when he returned, he seemed to shine even brighter than before

There's a clock above my head and a calendar inside my heart
Ticking away the seconds, checking off the days
37 minutes til school's out today, 2 more weeks with my friends
Before they leave
Before I go off to college
Before I'm miles away from everyone I care about (and even farther from the one that I love)
Before everything I've ever known changes, ceases to exist

The ticking is incessant, it echoes in my skull
Reminding me how little time I have left
How I'm sitting here counting seconds
And wasting all of them
It makes me want to stop the clock, rip the calendar out of my heart, shatter time itself
But I'm not brave enough or stupid enough or clever enough for that
So instead I sit here like a self-made bomb, watching the fuse burn faster and faster
And waiting for my life to implode

I wonder if you write poetry about me too
Since every poem I write seems to be about you

I wonder if my smile makes your day
If hearing my laugh makes you want to stay

I wonder if you light up when I walk in the room
If seeing my face makes your heart go boom

I wonder if your pulse speeds up when we hug
If you've fallen into this hole we've dug

I wonder if you want to take my hand
And forget everything else that you had planned

I wonder if you think about kissing me
If I'm who you want your first kiss to be

I wonder if you feel these same things I do
I wonder if you just might love me too

If I told you all the things I wish I could
Would you look at me differently
If I told you all the things I wish I could
Would you look at me the way I look at you

Sometimes I dress up and paint my face
So that I can at least feel pretty on the outside

It's so hard to watch him with other people
He's not shy about showing anyone else affection
And I'm one of his best friends, so what's different with me?
I know I'm being selfish, that he has much more pressing matters to worry about
Than a hug
Or some handholding
But I'm tired and sad and I just want someone to snuggle up against and forget the world

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?
Like, it physically hurts.
Every time you're right beside them
And they don't step closer
Tuck you into their shoulder
Make you feel safe in their arms
It's like a punch in the gut
And your chest seizes up
And you think you'll never breathe properly again
Until they love you too

My mind is
Reeling
Reeling
Reeling

As I'm
Kneeling
Kneeling
Kneeling

On the floor, my chest
Heaving
Heaving
Heaving

An ocean of tears
Streaming
Streaming
Streaming

Down my face, I was
Steeling
Steeling
Steeling

Myself for the inevitable, but I could not have prepared for this
Feeling
Feeling
Feeling

The pain of you
Leaving
Leaving
Leaving

Me

I'd like to think that I know you
I'd like to think that our time together meant something
Countless nights spent gazing at the stars
Talking until there was nothing left to talk about
And then talking some more
Just to hear the sound of each other's voices

But when daylight came
And reality forced itself upon us
I had to stop pretending
Stop seeing things that weren't truly there
I had imagined that there was something more between us
A flame rekindled, perhaps
But even after all this time
I still can't tell what's behind those eyes

It isn't fair
You've gone and done it again
Made me love you
With reckless abandon
No thought of consequences or heartache
Just like last time

Did you know you were pulling me back in
Just when I thought I'd gotten out, gotten away
Were you aware
That with every text, every laugh, every touch
I was falling deeper in love with you
Until every poem I wrote was about you

Last time you weren't ready for this, for us, for a relationship
I waited as long as I could, but I couldn't wait forever
This time I made the same mistake,
Thinking you might finally be ready

And you might have been
Except that soon you'll be
Thousands
Of miles
Away

And I'll be here
Waiting
And hoping
And praying
That one day you might love me enough to come home

I care
I care so much it hurts
I care about the little things
The way his eyes light up when he talks about something he loves
The way he tells jokes and stories
Laughing so much he can't get the words out
The way he smiles when we hold hands and dance together
Even if it's just for show
I care so much about things most people don't even notice
But I care about the big things too
Things most everyone sees, but fails to address
The way his eyes are now, dull and void of life
The way he jokes about hating himself and wanting death
In a way that makes me think he really means it
The way his face is permanently frozen in the same weary expression, now that I can't make him laugh
Or even smile
I care about all these things, and they scare me
Because what if I'm right
About the way he feels
Because I don't know how to fix it, how to make him smile again
How to make his eyes light up the world like they used to
Because what if there's suddenly nothing more to notice, nothing more to care about
Because it's all gone
Because he's all gone
And nothing I did made a difference