‪I don't think I'll ever forget the special moments we shared how can you just
F o r g e t

it was my birthday
i was the host
he was my guest
he blamed me for ignoring him
told me i focused on my friends too much
told me i didn't deserve a nice gift from him
even though i put all the effort in
tireless giving and mending
every argument
trying to please
but he always turned the words back on me
and i was hurt
and tired
it was my birthday
i told him i was tired
i gave up
my 18th birthday

he bought me a ring
a tiara ring
made of hearts
encrusted with rhinestones
it was my birthday
it was beautiful
until
i broke up with him
then i looked at my ring
and i realized he bought it for me
because i was his princess

it feels like i have nothing left inside me
it feels like i have lost all the closest people i have
the only people i had
and right now
i am alone
and i am scared

my room is full of violence
i hear the angry hateful words ringing in my ears
they enter my room and i cannot stop them
these words come from my own mother
when i am 15, i tell myself, i will speak up
when i am 16, i tell myself, i will stand up to her
when i am 18, i tell myself, i will fight back
but i cannot
i am trapped
her words have given me anxiety
her words have given me insecurity
her words have given me self consciousness
her words have given me anger
when i was 8 i vowed to never be like my mother
my worst fear is to be like her
i do not want anyone to feel so trapped as i am in my own home

meant to like you
meant to love you
meant to treat you kindly
meant to respect you
meant to honor you
meant to support you
meant to be there for you
meant to kiss you when you're sad
meant to text you :) when you're alone
meant to call you when they miss you
meant to give you hope
meant to push you to your dreams
meant to love you

unconditionally
even when they don't understand

i do not understand
the male gender
one minute they offer you a ride home
the next minute
they repeatedly are throwing paper at your face
they boss you around
yet when you try to tell them what to do
they are insulted
instinctively refuse
yet i am still surprised when they do listen to me
without a word
do you like me?
do you even care about my existence?
or do you just want to play with me like a toy?

i feel safe here
the words pour out of my body instead of tears
i read other people's words
i feel safe
because i know i am heard
we all want to be heard

the tears cannot be hidden any longer
narrow streams drip down my cheeks
i hate this feeling
i hate feelings
i long for happiness
why do i let my heart and mind get the best of me
i don't deserve this
my face is buried in the sheets
smothered by a pillow
desperate to hide the sobbing
i don't know who to turn to
where to run
where to hide
i know i can't be the only one
but why does it feel like i am?

it is a miracle
how you take my stormy clouds
and shine a           r a i n b o w

i miss . . .
the way your heart beats against mine
the way you gently run your fingers down my arm
the way you carefully play with my hair

how i can never be close enough to you
even when there's no space between us

Lies stem from Fear,
not Pride but Insecurity.
Yet why are they so powerful,
so destructive and demeaning?
because they are fake illusions of what we think
is the truth.
Trickery,
Deception,
Evil pursuits,
play with our minds,
swallow us
until we suffocate in our own false image.
How do we break free?
We must see beyond
Open the eyes
to Truth and Loyalty
which hides behind
the Insecurity and Pride.
Break Through
Push Open
the door to honesty
which lies with beauty

dreaming of you
desperate for you
dying for you
so tired of these repeated words
it's like i am speaking to a blank white wall
silence
with a fake smile you try to reassure me
but i see through your quiet chambers of what you call a heart
why don't you speak your emotions
answer me
i am desperate for you
dying for you
please
speak