They live in my mind all the time and they don't know.
They dwell in my heart all the time and they don't know.
They are the cause for it all and they don't know.
They are the most precious of my things and they don't know.
They cause the sun to shine gray and they dont know.
They cause the dark to go away and they don't know.
They steal the breath from me and they don't know.
They cause the life in me and they don't know.

Being without them is a living death
An undeath.

And I'm scared I'm getting used
to the exsistence of this
I can feel me dying
And yet there is nothing amiss.

I feel normal and so I must truly be lost.
I feel alive when I know I am not.
I feel content when there is only loss.
I must be dead and my soul was the cost.

Sweet beautiful machine behind the woods,
chuckle with tears and carries a barren womb,
"Do you regret the Unlife?". I shouted.
And a soft voice whispered "No".

I have not seen the crows singing to the corn,
I believe in nothing, and nothing at all,
"Do you fear the sky?". I thought.
And a soft voice whispered "No".

Your harmony pleases the pace of the trees,
I have forseen all of this inside of a dream,
"Are you even trying to see me?". I asked.
And a soft voice whispered "No".

Spreading those legs of yours around my neck,
I kiss the cave of wonders as if were a threat,
"Is everything fine, my love?". I licked.
And a soft voice whispered "No".

summer candy fast

                   on the back of a motorcycle in a sun dress

ignites a pale shaft
between divinity

                                  draws deeply

opaque unlife

                           into pinkness

                                    (smiles
                                     like sugar
                                     sprinkled on a razor)

                                                                            Exh
                                                                                    a


                                                                                         l


                                                                                                   e




                                                                                                                   s

the opened not mostness of deadeyedgirls is
like life half unlife, and no between thighs stem
can make their cherry


                                            


               ­                                          po!p

I'm tired.
I'm tired of sitting here.
I'm tired of living here.
Each day I get insulted.
Each day I fall deeper.

Deeper down into the grasps of depression.
Deeper into sorrow and unhappiness.
Deeper into unreality and the unknown.
Deeper into something I don't understand.
Deeper into something I don't deserve.

I see light every so often.
A spark
A flame
But it doesn't last long
Before it fades away

I try my best
to not fall too far in
but when I don't understand
it's almost too hard
to not

I'm bored with my life
of unlife
I do nothing worthwhile
I want to live
I want to help

Help others like me
Help others who can't simply
Help themselves
Help myself through helping them
Help anyone who needs help

But this is just another plea
to get help of my own
Help for me
Help for you
Help. Please.

Innocence becomes more innocent once it is ruined
Once the fragile and immaculate has broken into a million pieces, is it truly recognized
As a limbo that was as beautiful as it was terrifying
Something so perfect it seemed as though all things were destined to break before it
A moment when the ground of the earth becomes the villain
Why would you do this to me? You ask
As the density of gaea stares back at you, poignant and all knowing

And when you have finally found solace in the bottom
When it seems all but impossible that you should fall further
The curse of time seems to swallow you whole
Bringing your shattered form to a hollow peace
Still; complacent in your new found pain
Surrounded by a void that lacks compassion
There are no victims here

Immediately the denial of truth
Denial of the fact that feeling overtakes reason
Replacing the knowledge that nature had put in you
About how very small and temporary everything is
Your broken biology still wrecked across identifiable anguish
And yet, you yearn for everything that hurts
Within the abyss, filled with both ending and infinite beginning
Only one constant remains; nothing


I want everything, here and now
I want everything so that I may never be fed this hurt again
Gluttonously we consume any and all remaining sensation
So that our new form, our new self, maybe be satiated
As it arrives, unwelcome, into this world
Eat, and fill
So that you may find normalcy in this new forsaken world

There is no me, there is no you
There is only the endless murderous maelstrom
Of life becoming unlife, and crawling its way back to the surface
Undermining and crusading all that has never felt pain
And as the innocent falls anew into the ever lasting caverns of hellscape
We are born anew

Destined to live and die a thousand deaths before our end truly comes
Predetermined to live by the inevitable
Tactfully designed to deceive, by any means, for as long as possible
Only then, having faced the grimness of truth
Are we completely human

You were born into this,
grown into this,
engulfed and swallowed by this.
Oppression of your being,
soul-crushing down unto you,
with the burdens and pain,
of a thousand years past,
with a thousand years' hopes
and trials and failures and retrials.
You are bred into this from conception,
moving forever forwards into their backwards.
Your lovers and your guardians the same,
marching ever slowly opposite in time.
Pushing you to the fates they never sealed,
sealing your own in the doing so.
Born into this
A constant struggle of want versus need,
of love versus hate,
life vers death.
Born into this
Becoming this that you fear
Becoming this which erases what you are,
what you once were,
what you were meant to be.
You were born for this.
You were created for this.
You are the beginning and end,
of the never ending cycle,
of those since past,
and those without future.
You were bred into this,
and you will breed more of this unlife,
and they too will be born into this.

something
about the water
just the right temperature
the earth dreams and
proteins coalesce
life, out of unlife
i dip my big toe in
a trilobite comes up to bite it
from the sun touched silt
poor thing, i think, stroking its back
poor thing to be unmoored in time
poor thing, suffocated because the earth
changed her mind, tried again,
words erased on a page,
skittering legs going still,
belly up,
silt bed,
sand grave,
dark sleep without dreams

I didn't realize I had a problem when I stopped sleeping to dull my mind
Then I took too many pills for the pain everyday
Then I stopped eating.

I wanted my brain to just,,, stop
I wanted the fear and the hurt to stop
But now, everything's stopped.

Everything's stopped and my emotions are just fine
Ghosted
Lost
Gone.

A lot of days I don't even know if I'm actually awake
Numb, numb, numb.

I realized I had a problem when I couldn't remember my family's names.  Or faces.  Or voices.

I want to wake up
I want so badly to just wake up
But the one time I got enough sleep
Didn't take too many meds
Ate something
And made an appointment,
You made me cancel it.

I just want to get out of this haze of gray.

But I know how strong the furniture in my room is
I know how much weight every handle can bear
I've taken to hiding the extension chords out of sight
And I don't own any belts.

I don't want to die
Not when I see a picture of my mom and realize it's been too long since we talked
But I can't keep living this unlife.

I wish i,,,
,,,i just want to,,,
,,,,,,,i just want to sleep,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but God i wish,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i wish I could wake up.

Pardise is the city that lyses the the two
the spare wanders, gloom of midafternoon, dance oilslick quay
peers the murkveil brine, wet: the denizen
then, within fish wife clutched dear soul
only Pardise, above twilight sky seeps

night, the dark city lumbers unlife
alight, panes glare down streets one might
be urged to seek black sludge, life blood
vain hit, delight, 'phoric midnight

and day cracks a flare
and sunlight climbs the steeple
and the city lurches

body, defile thy self
trundle and slough off

sinful form