She smelled like you today...







                                                 ­     ...It felt like I cheated

i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.

I found them cause of music or YouTube

Some of them I knew who they were

But didn't care about them when I was younger

They're the ones who I say "Top Of The Morning To Ya Laddies" or "Where's The Black Smith" with

Or instead sing Oh Miss Believer or Thnks Fr Th Mmrs with

Most of them I consider my best friends

Some of them are Patrick, Pete, Joe, and Andy

Others are Jimmy, Chris, Chandler, and Karl

They're there for me when any actual people aren't

They're the ones who don't care about the fact that I'm LGBTQ+

They just see me as another human being that's a fan of their music or channel

I try to remind myself about the Fall Out Boy lyric "You Are What You Love Not Who Loves You"

And tell myself that I'll be like Frank Iero and JackSepticEye

Some of them are the reason why I'm going to be a youtuber

I ask myself all the time how in the world did they somehow wind up being someone I consider friends

I remember that when I was young
A bunch of Insects taught me All I Need,
The Walrus showed me my Imagination,
And a couple Stones gave me Satisfaction.

Three Idiots Held My Heart Like a Grenade,
And Thnks go to a cartoon for giving a band its name.
My good friend Jimi led me through the Haze,
And the words of a Pie dropped me into a maze.

Old Blue Eyes was with Apollo when it Flew to the Moon,
And the Cops sang of a set of colored Eyes too.
Now, lets not forget those old composers,
And the Sweet Children who filled our Guns with Roses.

The King of Rock said Only Fools Rush In,
The Queen said Champions Fight ‘Til The End
The Prince played his guitar like a god,
And the Jester’s voice was a little odd.

Those surfer Boys sang about Vibrations,
While the Lizard King expressed his Fiery intentions.
Mr. White was always there to set the mood,
And Mr. Brown explained how to Feel Good.

Ms. Franklin taught me how to spell,
Mrs. Robinson got me out of hell,
Ms. Perry’s figure was like a Dream,
And Mrs. Ross still reins Supreme.

One blind man sang of his home in Georgia,
And another was Superstitious.
A guy named Ozzy served as my conductor
As I looked out at the Smoke on the Water.

Michael danced like no one else,
And Kurt rebelled against life itself.
Cocker left the stage with nothing left to give,
And it was music that taught me how to live.

A night spent with a fandom family

At a place where you can be yourself

With bands that understand you

Where you can say Thnks Fr Th Mmrs afterwards

For them making you never feel like you're alone

Cause they made it feel like home at the show

That's What Hella Mega Tour Means To Me

This pen this paper
My words my letters
I threw away most
I let go a lot
Still I come to this place where  I am God
No I will never be
No I'm not
In the best thing that ever happen to these words I write
I'm the worst thing that ever happen to my life
Such a energy
Such a mystery
Love is misery
But hate Is dead
My words are walking
My sentences are like lead
6 years in this world I made and I wish kinda wish my words would hold me like you do

eject eject
there's no backspace
where is delete

whats done has been done
now hes crying at her feet

lifeless they lay
only he is to blame

if only she listened
but instead her eyes  glisten
to the sound of only his name
but witjout knowing he was insane

an easy fix
itll just take some time

you chose his company over mine


and now look what youve done
yet its only begun

see i saw this  mum
i could see this coming
you stopped and stayed but i kept on running


we've been to a place not as bad as this before
yet its like we've just gone into a second round of war

we know what its like when they lay a hand
so why would you go back are you crazy or just sad

would you not rather be alone
then to die at his throne


today isnt the day but
tomrrow could be the one

have you not thought this through?
how this effecs me and you

and lets not forget bout my sister
she thnks shes being raised by a minister

but al i see is a wolf in sheepskin
his patenice with her is wewaing  rather thin

see its only a matter of time
mum you cant hit rewind

but can hit her and caus he already hits you

your a lost cause
we're all holding the applause

just let her go you know shell be safer
becuase   she is destined for a life  so much greater