Someone who means a great deal to me once said that you can’t find love. You can’t go searching for it, it finds you. It finds you out of nowhere and once it’s there you can’t ignore it. I thought that was a cute way of putting things and continued on with life, waiting for love to find me. But then I got impatient and tried to find it on my own, but it never happened. I was terrified of relationships for some unknown reason or past trauma, and I never found it. Until it found me.
It steamrolled me completely out of nowhere and I didn’t see it coming. It was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me because it was beautiful to feel so deeply for someone and not feel any fear to let myself fall. For my best friend, someone I could spend hours talking to.
Only you didn’t feel it too. Apparently you can ignore it, or maybe fate is sick and twisted and Cupid only hit me.
So I love you. I love you and I can’t stop and it absolutely ***** because you don’t feel the same way for me. I know even if you did we’d never work out and yet if you sat me down and tried to convince me of all the reasons we would always be wrong for each other and never right, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
Trust me, I wish I could. I wish I hated you instead, or just didn’t care at all.
But I can’t stop. You could break my heart ten times over and I wouldn’t be able to stop. I don’t understand why but it’s just a fact.
I’ll always wonder why I’m not good enough or if maybe you’ll ever change your mind.
Maybe one day I’ll stop, finally get over it, but for now I’m stuck here never being able to get over you. I can’t move on, I can’t stop hurting, I can’t stop loving you. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel this way about someone again, or if I manage to get over you if I even want to, because I don’t ever want to be crushed like this again.
Because I love you. And you don’t love me.

Stop the day, I want to get off
If you could see my face, you wouldn't scoff
Emotional discourse and violent pain
What I would do to start feeling sane
This is inhumane
I took your pills and slept and ate
I couldn't stop the coursing hate
The searing strings pull from my heart
Slowly tearing me apart
But freedom is so far away
And I cannot keep these tears at bay
With all these words I cannot say
while the mania gets to play
Nothing I do makes it sway
It's clung so tight to my chest
It's been so long since I could rest
I see no way out of this
as I fall down further into the abyss.
Man, I thought the depression was bad
I forgot all about the hold Bipolar had

it's over it's over
even though it's just begun
i'm older and bolder
but maybe i'm numb
over and over
we forget what's to come
cold shoulders hear i told you
to turn around and run

I cannot believe I'm here. I have been driven to new limits of my being. I was mad at you, and as I lay in bed without sleeping for the fourth night in a row due to your careless handling of my heart, I needed something to fill the absence you left in your wake.
Get up and go smoke a cigarette.
No, I need something stronger.
How about a shot of whiskey?
I don't want to taste its unpleasant tones that remind me of my past.

I just took a pain pill for the headache that always accompanies my tears...
Take another. Two won't hurt.
I don't want to wait to feel better, I need immediate relief. I won't have enough rest to get through tomorrow, another disappointment in store.
Take another. Take it
differently.
So I snorted a Vicodin. And I'm not proud. I'm new to this level of desperation, and oh my, how I pity all those who have ever done this before me.

Until.
Until now.
Until, now, I feel.
I feel better.
A new sensation arises in my face and in the back of my throat. I can practically feel the neurons dancing around in my brain, in my skull.
Inside of me. In my heart and body and mind.
In my skin. Dancing.

I remember we used to dance. Your hand cradled mine with the delicacy you always use with me. Every word you speak you're framing a moment in which you think I will finally
lose it
if you're not careful enough.
Do not handle me like a child. I cry, not like a child, but as a woman weeping for a man that is dead to her before he's even left the room.
And you shut down as soon as you see a single ******* tear.

Am I not worth any effort after all this time?
When I make you mad, we talk about it and I apologize. I'm so sorry.
So sorry.

I will retreat into myself. I will reach my deserted island where you can't reach me.
No one will get to me here.
I'm surfing waves on seas you will never sail.
I'm building castles in sand that you can't ever put your hands on.
I am catching rays from an alien sun.
I am experiencing something completely new! And you are only feeling my cold silence.
That's new, isn't it?

Instead of hearing my pleas to mend our busted road of communication, you see me happily
waving from the other side of a massive divide.
I'm so sorry.
I'm smiling.
I can't hear you.
I'm not that sorry anymore.

And for a moment, I wonder which you prefer.
I wonder if you'll be happy with my new habit for the first several weeks only because you don't know what's mellowed me out so well.
I am steamrolled, my true emotions flattened on the ground around me.
Beyond my reach.

I'm not reaching out.
To you.
To me.

I'm surfing seas. I'm building castles, of which I am the queen, a luxury you never allowed for me.

This is new. And I'm not sorry.

what silly things are boundaries,
imaginary lines that tell people what they can and can't do.

i can not tell you what my boundaries look like,
for i never had them.

i was a child of use,
every aspect of me was someone else's.

so when my therapist decreed boundaries as my way to light,
as my ticket to mental health salvation,
i did my best.

it was pathetic really.
please don't touch me,
i said in the nicest most placating way i could,
i just don't really like it.

i tried and i failed.
for a child who was so used to achievement,
this failure hit me hard.

it was pathetic.
absolutely pathetic.
what was pathetic?
how easily those who were supposed to listen to me,
support me,
love me,
steamrolled that whimsy little fence i called a boundary.
they annihilated it,
dropped a metaphoric nuke on it with their sneers and greed.

no war is ever won in the first battle though.
so i will keep trying.

Headmaster’s son
Skipped class
Entered theater
Life to Alter
Matinee show Shaheed
Worshipped Dilip Kumar
Like many before
Dreamt about Movies
Like a few followed up
Won Filmfare talent Contest
Frontier Mail to Bombay
Promised film stalled after start
Struggled even for a bit part
Anonymous in stature
Mononymous in Name
Debut in 1960
Finally part of filmdom
Small role
Mentor Arjun Hingorani
For a princely sum of fifty and a cup of tea
Still a novice
Women centric movies
Romantic lead in the Sixties
Meena Mala and Nutan
Supporting role with passion
Step by step rise
Salary raise
Accepted every role
Occupied was his goal
Villain to Jubilee Star
Filmfare Nomination
Sunil Dutt first choice
Destiny's voice
Phool Aur Patthar
Set on fire
Box office Register
Superstardom attained
Humility retained
First Action Star
Christened He Man
Shirt removed on Screen
Greek God looks
Women Swooned
Top ten lists
Most beautiful men
Ranked seven
Romance and Melodrama
Bollywood formula
Action film as chosen path
Rode the Lone road Superstardom under grasp
Looks Delivery and Fights
Made fans of Men &Women alike
Blockbusters galore
India's Superhero
Hit after hit
Audience explode
Cinemas full
Entry to Dress Circle
Needed a Miracle
Action and Drama
Tragedy and Comedy
Range of talent and skill
For one ticket fans would ****
All performed with ease
Endearing fans with range
Complete Superstar India’s Gain
Rajesh Khanna with Aradhana
Took the Nation by Storm
Adulation never seen
Sensation by definition
Costume Mannerism
Copied by every Indian
Every Star took a fall
Rajesh the magician
Stars faded into oblivion
Mass hysteria
Across India
First Superstar
Next 5 years none on par
Giants’ wayside
Stood his ground
Equal number hits
Second to none
Dedicated Fans
Built over a decade
Common man
Still wanted the He Man
Action and Adventure
Helped endure
Glorious career
Storm passed
Many faded
He never dated
He was fated
Test of time
Passed with Jubilees
No obstacle for water
Flows through all
Fridays proved
He’d never fall.
August 15 1975
Saw the release of Sholay
The greatest Indian film ever made
Said the Great Master Satyajit Ray
Top billed in the cast
One film showcased talent all
Action, Comedy, Drama
Cannot tell the Character and Actor apart
True quality of a genuine movie star
Many giants in the cast
He did help some get the part
Ensemble film
Even though the biggest star
Did not want to stand apart
Final product always in his heart.
70 mm Surround Sound
Entire country Theater bound
Never seen action sequence
Racing high the crowds pulse
Music Score by Burman
Records sold by the Million
Every dialogue known by heart
Salim Javed knew their craft
Ramesh Sippy knew to bring them all
Extremely well acted by the cast
Never will be another Sholay
Present future or past
Not to be seen but experienced
Its not a film but a phenomenon
Greatest Story ever told
Greatest cast ever assembled
Was the Tag Line
Global Indian Population
Viewership the film got
Not surpassed till now
Never will be
Every city town or village
Across the entire Country
Full house boards were not a mystery
Number of years it had its run
Till today box-office records undone
Yeh Dosti with Manna Dey and Kishore Kumar
Greatest  film Song picturised
Sizzling chemistry and male bonding
Friendship the central theme
Bullet with side car
Everyman’s. dream
Zanjeer with Amitabh Bachchan
Birth of the Angry young man
Indian Cinema never the same
Reached Pinnacle
Rode like a Colossus
One Man Industry
Steamrolled into one
Every Aspirant pushed
Donning Supporting Role
Every Reputed Writer, Banner and Director behind
Thirteen years
None had a career
Superstars became former
Stars to Supporting actors
Newcomers extinct
Old timers jaded
Galvanized Nation
Every release
Celebrations for fans
Faded festivals
Another Superstar
Bigger and Better
More popular than god
Elevated to one
Neither shaken or stirred
Matched Bachchan
With box-office Gangbusters
Hits became a habit
Fans and public
Yearning for more
Whatever the competition
Stood his ground
Megastar or Superstar
No dent to this Farmer
Paired with Hema Malini
Record Successive strikes
Result was Box office gold
Many a Phoenix
Flashed and Vanished
Shorter reign at the top
Never could topple him
From the moviegoers heart
Superstars became Supernovas
Younger generations
Had come to stay
Still stood in the fray
Never one to give way
Always had the final say
Held cash registers still in sway
Replaced Relegated
Never to be
Another name for longevity
Turn of the century
Completed 4 decades in the industry
60s 70s 80s 90s
Times changed
Many faded
Some retired
Contemporaries eased into character roles
Later lot fared similar
Star Sons made their mark
His sons did their part
Dawned the new century
Multiplex and wide releases
He never ceased to be a draw.
Man with a very big heart
Gave breaks to many a director and star
Never bitter Never insecure
Thanks people for making him a Superstar
Gratitude and love
His trump card
Became the Symbol of friendship
His Chemistry with Amitabh
Deep from the heart
Reciprocal in nature
Their oneness
Greatest gift of God
For the entire Country
Will be celebrated
For generations to come
Amitabh and his name
Always mentioned together
For every moviegoer
Till kingdom come
Till the universe remains
Etched in the hearts
Is his name forever
Can never be erased
That's true loves power
Men want to be him
Women want to be with him
Oldest cliché used for a star
Suits none better than this man from Punjab
60 years completed
From Meena to Mallika acted.
Done films with his son
Now with Grandson
There’s no one on par
Who's lasted so far
What can you say
About an Actor and Star
Captured a billion hearts
Transcended generations
In this delicate world of films
Who cannot be confined to any era
This timeless living legend
Is called Dharmendra.

While giving away the Cecil B Demille Lifetime Achievement Award to Martin Scorsese Robert De Niro famously said that Mr. Demille will be equally honored if he were to receive the Martin Scorsese award
Likewise Mr. Phalke would be equally delighted to receive the Dharmendra Award

In a flash
I tore up the scapes unseen,
Where are you in all the
Fogged visions steamrolled into
The daily?
And I breathe,
Calm your dear pen
And bleed the world of its
Heart, there is only the Word of
Yourselves dear poets,
You are a fleece of luminosity,
Here in the darkness and
I am king of nothing,
Still I am a king!

Let the world wear
A dose of the words,
Light ut all up,
Lumens, poets.

As human intelligence steamrolled,
objects of pretense produced devious behaviour, much like their creators.