My father is black and my mother is white
And though we live in a new generation I still find myself having to give explainations on how all of this works
The ignorance of race really hurts
No this is not good hair
No you can't touch it keep your ******* hands to yourself
No I'm not Mexican or Puerto Rican
Stop guessing above all else
I'm black like you
And I'm white like her
I'm flesh and blood not claws and fur
But see you don't want to accept me
Of course unless I'm president Obama or Halle Berry
Did you know they were mixed?
Or were you so deep in the lime light you don't care
Because on the streets I'm not considered black no matter how coarse my hair
I use relaxers too
I've had my hair braided
I've been called ******
I've been followed in stores
I've been sent to the end of the line for no reason
Denied friendship for seasons
And wouldn't you know
(Being black was the reason)
But its just not enough to gain any trust

I don't look anything like white people so I dont even try
Only hope for full acceptance from the other side
And yet still I'm left feeling quite empty inside
Where the hell do I fit in?
Who's on my side?
Since claiming black or white is considered a crime

This was when I decided to become an advocate of self
I found who I was
Didn't need any help
I don't let my race define who I am
But I embrace both my colors
They work well with each other
And that's something society just will not understand

before the world i stand as woman, African queen
exotic beauty, strong, tough and resourceful
there in lies the damest of all that bind me to a cruel fate
"Africa, the birth place of mankind"
her daughters, slaughtered,mutilated and, raised to feel inferior
relaxers, skin lighting cream, weaves, wigs, diets
raised by western thinkers, propaganda splashed on the soap box
forced to work for the rich and powerful plastic people
forced watered down music

i dream of a world lead by African queen's
confident in there velvet cream skin
loving afro hair
swagging there bustyness with pride
no more selling our bodies for west
taking pride in being different

are we really woke as much as we all claim to be?
or are we woke to ease our minds, which ain't reality?

of course we've signaled heavy change, i won't deny that's true
but let me have your ear for now, give you another view

are you really woke because you post a rant on twitter,
but bop to Chris Brown's music even tho we know he hit her?

are you really woke cause you were born into the slums,
but if you make it out,
you forget where you are from?

are you really woke because you claim to love black hair?
but only like the softer textures, is that really fair?

are you really woke 'cause you admire that 4c?
but put down girls who have relaxers, wigs, or wear a weave?

are you really woke because you claim to love all people,
but if ya boy is gay you will denounce him at the steeple?

are you really woke because you say you know what's right,
but ostracize your fellow blacks,
simply cause "they talk white?"

are you really woke because you claim to love all colors,
but date a darker women? yikes! you'd rather find another

are you really woke because you claim you've got insight,
but if i am depressed, you say that mess is for the whites?

i bring up all these issues not because i hate my own

i bring up all these issues just because they're never shown

and if we are to grow and prosper,
thrive and shed our past,
we need to have these conversations,

                                                 ­                                make sure that they last

There's a lot more to the world
Than what meets the eye
Physical intimacy laced with
Eradicating emotion
There's no time in the universe
In which peace can be acquired
The day the earth stands still
Is the day we know what comes next
In a memory flashing by your mind
Just sputtering through the motions
But suddenly you're caught in derealization
And you can hear her voice again
Clear as wedding bells
A young girl reading sermons
To a man passed out drunk, and the woman who made him that way
I was just 4 when I first tasted beer
And I vomited all over myself
I was just 8 when I first tasted liquor
And I don't remember much else
Chicken wings with candles
And the songs my mother used to sing to me
The way she'd crawl in bed with me
In times of drunken solitude
Ungrateful **** of a daughter
Who should've been aborted,
Well I tried, mama, I tried
Now that you're gone and you are nothing more than ashen memories
I look at you in your black box prison
With your name pasted to the front
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways I don't feel alive.
The way you screamed for help at the top of the stairs
And he's shoving he's pushing and you can't run
And I'm still here
And I'm still here fighting him away
He says he can't sleep in beds without you anymore
And coming home from 2nd grade
Police badges light up the front porch
And they're shoving you they're pushing and you can't run
And you're in handcuffs
And his arm is bleeding
the young man told me I was not alone
And falling apart on your floor
At a ripe 5 years old
And I'm crying I'm sobbing and you don't care
And I scream
And you don't love me anymore
The piano goes quiet
And after grandpa died
she took all his medicine
Muscle relaxers and pain killers and the daily *****
And anger
And she screamed at the walls she called god
For taking her children away
It was her all along
I do not hold grudges
But it took you dying for me to hold that promise
It took you dying for forgiveness
The family shuns me like how they did you
Black sheep we are
Your ashes lay on the table beside my bed
With fake vanilla candles that light up all kinds of colors
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways that I do not feel alive.

Have you been
sleeping in my bed
Have you been
sleeping in my bed
because I found
the traces
of your skin
the traces of your skin
Have you been sleeping in my head
because I found
the traces of your thoughts
trailing through my skull
with a warrant for my sanity
crushing my soul
with a warrant for my sanity
on a one man police force
trying to stop me
from breaking through your skin
and injecting myself
an IV of pain and amphetamine
muscle relaxers and a single tiny
white pill
to break through your thoughts
and find my place
to settle down
and sleep.

Martin Narrod [Chicago] to Adam Holzrichter [San Francisco, via NYC]*
June 26 2005
Guild Printers Press
122 Bedford
Brooklyn NY, 11211*

I peeled back the polyurethane bandage that wrapped together my two toes where I had dug them into the armoire once again last night. It's a raggedy old mess of green goop like your brother had when he returned from Sicily. Those posters and solipsisms of war, how could we forget, right?

The scene here is really frantic. There's a whole room knotted up with tea heads, loaded up on benzos, looking for green doves or any of the MDMA that came through Fulton Market last week. Mr. Popular is revealing any details, though I expect he'll want more than his own hands throwing around his dining room furniture. I count three days since I heard them through the wall, but I did go out yesterday for a brief walk to buy an 18-pack of ******, just in case I decide to come off the drink for a bit, I do have a blood disease you know that right?

Noon

It was about a month ago, I was at April's house, and I had woken up on the couch, standing up I felt a bit dizzy and realizing I hadn't had a drink of anything for about 12 hours I pulled a Red Stripe from the fridge. I shucked the cap off and put down nearly half of it, it was that cool Jamaica that rocked me man. As I was headed back to the couch I could tell something wasn't right, and that's when it all goes blank- they told me I had suffered a grand mal seizure, sister, brother, and April standing over me with Ouakimbo there too. He gave me those sterile gray straight eyes and a thousand yard stare. Then he popped right up and grabbed my wrist and held it. They put me on a cornucopia of blood thinners and muscle relaxers, it's grand, just ******* grand. I make a fist and my toes wiggle, blink my eyes and my tongue comes out. There is nothing truer than this humanness I now am enjoying. 2 days more they say it'll be before I can go back to the pen and our flat. Geoff just had a baby I read in a post I saw today that Ashley brought in, but i tell you. If you don't bring me a dollar slice from Jack's on Metropolitan you ain't gonna have any of this.

9:00p.m.

First it's cool down the back of the spine, like my bones have unhinged themselves and are resorting their positions to suit a more comfortable order of things. But I repeat, I REPEAT with all SERIOUSNESS. DO NOT TAKE ANY HALLUCINAGINS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - Perhaps I have not explained myself too clearly - Guy is at the ice- the onlyu hope now is some morphine. In dealing with these underwear midettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt­tttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii­iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii­iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii­iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiotttt       vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv­vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv­vcccccccccccccc.

Momma gave birth to a dark skinned baby girl,
She said go out there baby and conquer the world…
With that in mind, little Suzie went off to school,
She paid attention and learned the golden rule…

At 9 years old, teacher asked Suzie what she'd like to be,
Oh that's easy miss, I will work in the bank on Market Street
Child please! With that tar skin and ***** hair?
Ha! You just might give the customers a scare!

Heart broken Suzie went home and told her mom,
She had many questions about where she came from…
Is something wrong with the colour of my skin?
Why is it so hard for me to fit in?

At 18 years old Suzie went out to see the world,
Wow! You're pretty! For a little black girl…
Enough is enough! I am proud of the colour of my skin,
It's obvious that you want to go where I have been…

Don't say my black isn't beautiful, when you spend hours in a tanning booth,
Don't say my black isn't beautiful, when you know I speak the truth…
The curl of my lips, and the curve of my hips, many of you desire,
So with many surgeries, and doctor visits, my image you try to acquire...  

Afraid to see and admit how beautiful my chocolate skin is,
they try to brainwash me into believing that I am not His…
You're too dark, or she's too light,
Just look at her! Her complexion isn't right…

Now my brothers and sisters are trying to look like you,
Using chemicals and creams to lighten their colour that's true…
What more do you want of us?
About our thick curly hair you make a fuss…

Making relaxers and extensions for us to use,
Who can I call because this is abuse!
You seem to be very insecure,
That is why my chocolate skin you cannot ignore…

Tired seeing us on the cover of Vogue?
I bet you'd prefer if I were a rogue…
Stop beating down on the colour of my skin,
And try to know the person that is within…

Black, white, pink or blue,
My colour should not matter to you…
My black is beautiful and of it I am proud,
So I will stand tall with my head up and declare it loud…

My black is beautiful and I love every part,
And whether you agree or not, I am a work of art…
My black is beautiful, I just want you to know,
That I will wear it proudly wherever I go!

I can only swallow so many pills
until I begin to choke

my life can no longer be dictated around
eight hundred milligrams of motrin
one tablet of carbamazepine
a few muscle relaxers
who’s really counting anymore?

the pain can only get so much worse
before I drop and never get up

this fire in my cheeks, teeth, temples
MRI scan comes up blank
just my blank brain in my tormented body
unexplained agony
unexplained kicking and screaming into the night

friends complain about period cramps
i would trade my pain for ten years of those

can’t eat, tired all the time
this is not depression I suffer from
but side effects from various medications
that enter my body in periods of six
and haunt my bedside table
as if watching me as I sleep

I want to feel better
I want to feel better
I want to feel better.

War is declared on the 8 o'clock news
By the dead-eyed ghost shoved in front of the teleprompter
The artists marched on the throne of God to vindicate their suffering
and called it alchemy when it turned to gold before their eyes
On wings of wax they kissed the sun risen high on the sky
and then ****** the night away
And they went and told it on the mountain,
They preached it into the sea
And held mass in abortion clinics and asylums,
And delivered brimstone sermons on the street corner where they sold opiates and muscle relaxers,
9 dollars 10 cents a pop
A Crusade on Wall Street!
And a Jihad on Main Street!
And the nihlists selling barbecued ribs on the side
Revolution! A maniac wielding a megaphone like a Molotov cocktail!
All of creation destroyed and recreated with almost historical accuracy
They called it justice atop the gallows and called it tragedy when it was in private
The writings on the asylum wall held comfort and good tidings, this time at least
And at least Hell lit a fire to keep away the cold
So the artists marched on
Awash in their Midas glow
******* into oblivion and forgetting to shower
Bringing God to his knees,
Crying for peace to the domed ceiling
With 50 dead spirits waiting in the wings

You’re feeling down, tired and slow
You just need a quick pick me up
You contemplate ******* or adderall

You’re feeling depressed and insecure
You just need a substance to numb yourself
You contemplate ****** or alcohol

You’re in so much pain and you hurt
You just need a quick fix to take it away
You contemplate pain-killers or muscle-relaxers

You’re drowning in anxiety and stressed out
You just need something to calm yourself down
You contemplate cbd or marijuana

You're so heartbroken you feel all the above ⬆️
You just need a drug to help numb yourself
You contemplate which one will do the job

One thing for certain is, you’re done with the most powerful drug of them all
lOvE

It always leaves you with the worst hangovers and is a gateway to the
REST

For it wasn’t until your heart was torn into two that you tried any of the
ABOVE

Now you can’t get enough of anything to make you forget about the
hEaRtBrEaK

Love is one drug you refuse to get addicted to, monetarily it is free but costs the
MOST

You are in no danger of ever being tempted to try it again after the last
RELAPSE