"Sometimes I want to kiss you and sometimes I want to **** you"
Your texts run through my mind
Over and
Over and
Over and over and
Over and
stop, please just make the voices stop
"I really like you like a lot like sometimes too much"
how the hell can you say
something like that and then decide
to ignore me barely
Two hours later
I don't understand
I'm sorry
I love you
Come back
I need you
I'm lying
You said you hated me
You were lying
*******
I can't think straight anymore
And all of this is your fault
But it's partly
my fault, too
Because I knew I was falling
For a disaster waiting to happen
From the moment I met you
But I decided to let myself fall
Anyways
Even though they all told me
What a **** you were
How you would end up hurting me
And I didn't listen
Because there were times
Past midnight when you became so
Vulnerable, almost like you lay
Your guard down and let me in
I told myself you would never
Fall for a girl like me
We were just friends
But just friends don't do the things
that we did
They don't hold on tight to each other every time they hug, as if
That hug will be their last
They don't sing to each other
They don't harmlessly tease each other
Hell, they don't even *look
at each other
The way that we did
I looked at you
Like you were my everything
And you looked at me
Like I was something precious,
That needed to be protected
If only I could've realized it then
I should've realized that you loved me
From how badly you wanted to help me
From how you cried when I etched punishments into my skin
From how you would casually touch me, whenever you could
You would lazily wrap an arm around me, keeping me close.
you put me through so much hell
I shouldn't be thinking about you
in this way
I shouldn't be thinking about
your body
Or our late night facetimes
Or what your lips would taste like
Pressed against mine
I should hate you right now. So much.
But I can't
I can't.

A lthough it didn't last long,
S urely I'll never forget you.
H ow could I? Those
L ong FaceTimes at 4am,
E very smile, laugh, goofy face. No
Y ou're too memorable. Good bye.

There once was a girl who liked to be alone. She liked the colors black and grey. She like reading, writing books and has a sense a fashion. She tried to pay attention in school, but she trying her best. She didn’t like to talk very much, she liked to stay quiet. When she talked she spoke quietly with a soft voice. She had friends but never she never really talked to them. The only time she did was when she was confused about class work or where to go.

On the weekends she went out with her outside school friends, who were totally different from her friends at school. Her outside school friends knew her way better than her inside school friends even though her school friends knew her longer. She was always independent.

At school when she was partnered with a classmate she would have already started the project and be done with it two days later.She had a sophisticated language She liked studying also but not as much as studying writing.

She is a very bright young lady which everyone thinks is not emo and punk. She is a Christian but she is also punk. She listen to dub-step, house music, punk rock, pop rock, sometime gospel (depends on what song) but mostly dub-step and house music. The color of her room was grey. She liked it that way.

Other people thought it was depressing (her school friends) some thought it was it was calming and cool ( her outside friends). I’m betting your think “How dose her school friends know what her bedroom looks like.” Well she FaceTimes with them and not often, and if she dose its only about class work.

She had her own Youtube channel and it was a calm and mature. She only talked about her writing, how she felt, other things and what she thought about life. She only had a couple of people who like talking to her from her channel. They emailed her, messaged her, and sometimes tried to get her number so they can hang out and talk about some stuff.

At home she was quiet two and calm too. When her family came over she never liked to talk to the as much anymore. She would sit at the corner of the table or of the room. Unlike some people she liked to be lifted out of anything that was not important. She only talked when something important was hap pinging that no one saw, when someone asked her a question or when someone got something wrong. What she would mostly would do is get her food and go upstairs like every thanksgiving when her mom didn’t tell her to stay downstairs.

Speaking of family she did not have a good connection with her father, step-brothers and step-sister. They never really i guess liked to talk to her. But what i can feel you is that her and her oldest step-brother talked a little everyday.

Now it sounds like this girl doesn’t have a attitude, or a anger problem, or talks back, but trust me she dose. When she gets mad, she gets mad. And its not good when she gets mad. Its like a demand come out of her. With fire in her eyes, veins popping out of her body, face turns red, and it almost looks like steam is going to come out of this girls ears. Now no one has seen her get mad and the reason why is because when people get her mad in public her getting mad dose not show. She keeps it in like a secret. When she gets home they ways she expresses it is by posting it one her YouTube channel and she even tells her subscriber what the person looks like, height, age and name. The reason why i said age and name is because the people that go to her school ****** her off. They might not know her but she knows them. She knows everything that goes on in the school and in her old school still. This girl might sound weak and quiet but in the inside she is strong and powerful, oh and yea her outside friends will punish anyone that messes with her even though this girl clearly doesn’t need any protection just to give you a heads up.

Now i have told you a whole lot about this girl and her name is Scarlet, she is currently 16 years old and in high school. If you want to know anymore about this girl give me a heads up,  like and or comment down below, right dow there and you might even get to see what she looks like in the future another heads up there so goodbye my little lovable  loves and have a wonderful day. Peace.

my heart is shattered
and my lungs have
started closing up
and my heart clenched
and tightened when
"i think we should just be friends."
escaped his lips with a
whisper
and i acted like i wasn't
falling apart inside
and
i acted like i wasn't
going to end up
crying all night
and ignoring
his phone calls
texts
facetimes
and i understand that he needs
physical contact
and i may not be able to give him that
but i tried
i tried my best to be the best
i could be
just for him
and everything has been falling apart
and my heart is officially
shattered.




m.g.

Frost is longing.
I longed for the thaw as soon as I saw
Icy blue eyes and a navy Patagonia
Reflected up from a small square of light.

Longing to see you but settling for bantered texts and drunken facetimes
That only make me long to know you more.

Longing to clasp your neck and pull you to me,
Over a copper table in candlelight.

Longing to collapse twelve days into one
So we can take the next step down a path
Of myriad possibilities.

Frost is two roads not yet contemplated.
We have barely set out.
There will be many chances to diverge,
Each one a "what could have been."
But now there is only one reality -
A fantasy of who I want you to be
Whatever we will be, we will never be this.

Frost is nipping at my nose
With teeth like wintergreen chiclets.
I have eaten roasted chestnuts.
Seduced by the smell,
I am always disappointed by the taste

Yet, ever optimistic, I try again.
And again I come closer
To making fantasy real.
All we can have is close enough.

Frost is on the window.
Scratch with your finger to see through.
Delight in how it rolls under your nails before it melts.

COVID-19
It has changed all the lives it hasn’t yet claimed
Too many deathbeds held souls in empty spaces  
Innocent, isolated individuals
With their visitors crying in the hospital parking lot instead of their hospital room
As if goodbye wasn't hard enough

It has changed the way we grow  
Children won't know how to share
Instead they will have “disinfect” ingrained in their young brains
Carrying hand sanitizer like a shield, a barrier against the germs
Taught to fear others as though they’ll **** us themselves

It has changed the way we consume
Online shopping to the point we don't remember what's in packages
Spending money we don't have
Sanitized carts and Purell at every entrance of the stores that have opened
Grocery shopping sparks anxiety like never before

It has changed the way we love
Zoom calls and FaceTimes are as connected as we can get
The inability to remember what it feels like to be in another's arms
We stand six feet apart, not knowing how to act
Trying to read the millions of emotions held within each others eyes

It has changed how we dress
Forgetting where you've placed your mask is just as bad as your keys
Face covers scream isolation
Smothering smiles, turning us all into faceless creatures
But somehow the mere thought of the pandemic feels more suffocating

It has changed the way we exist
Instilling a new fear into the next generation
A new urgency in the medical field
And overall, a new norm that makes unity unbelievably uncomfortable.

S.S.

You hear the thud.
Put on your dressing gown, rub your eyes.
And wearily approach the door, wondering what it could be.
Another bill, another promotion in a cunning disguise?

But there it is, dressed elegantly in plain white,
With the stamp placed perfectly on the right.
You see the swirls in the handwriting,
The way they flick the k’s and how they curl their c’s.

You try to guess who sent this wonderful surprise
You pick it up with care and, for an instant, freeze
Then you abandon all restraint, and rip it apart
Desperate to read what’s at its heart.

It takes thought and love to write.
In a world full of texts, facetimes and calls.
A letter hits the spot just right.

A short story, addressed to you
And only you
A little piece of history lies in your hand
Keep these letters

Store them safely away
For they will fill your heart with joy
When you re-read them on a melancholy day
Next time you are at a loss  for something to do
I beg of you, put down that phone
Take out a pen and write a letter or two.

It always goes the same way. You going a million miles a minute running around your room doing stuff. I'll catch every other word you say with the sound cutting in and out. I am either looking at the ceiling or it is paused because of the connection. But none of that bothers me. I don't mind not being able to hear everything you say so know what you are doing or what you are saying because I know you are there. I know if the connection cuts out you will call right back and apologize. All of your stories and comments not necessarily talking to me or seeing if I am listening but I am. So I find myself keeping busy with coloring, puzzles, writing, or just adoring you. We never really talk just the occasional what are you doing. but I like it. It's our thing. We don't have to talk to each to know we are there for each other. I would much rather be with you like this. You always end up making me laugh or smile and I don't get a lot of that so thank you for all of our casual FaceTimes.

Learning

I have to learn how to love a busy man
Not a man that is busy loving others
But a man that is busy loving himself
Loves himself enough to
Leave me to focus on his assignments
Returning when they're complete
Loves himself enough to choose
His education over a few texts and facetimes
Promising it'll pay off in the end

Whether or not I'm around to benefit
I have to learn to love a man that is busy
being productive for the future
Sacrificing his social life
But always fitting me in
To remind me that when
Dynamics
Isn't occupying his mind
I creep back in

It has its perks though
You don't have to worry
about him straying unless its
with a math problem
him caressing anything other than
something he's built with his own hands

So when he disappears for hours
I sigh
Then remember and daydream
of him
headphones in
face in a book
reading about dynamics
sighing

As I sit in bed
headphones in,
reading
about Rosaura

See she was separated from her love too

Day 4
And I missed you painfully.
Laying in bed missing all the times I came home to your face(times).
It became my favorite time of the day.

Then I have to remember that guy on those facetimes isn't who stands before me now.

In love with someone I haven't seen in a while.

My neighbors above my head are having ***
Moaning and shrieking, lets give the men pleasure
I'm not so sure why I felt so lonely the past two times
You licked me up like I was red carnal meat.

I sat on the floor staring up at the projector
My tight little black jumper choking me
I glanced over at the door as you swept into the room
Like black or purple midnight smoke
"Lets be ninjas about it"
I said, a coy grin on my face
If only you didn't belong to another.


I guess?
I suppose?
I reckon?
I drank a lot of red wine, pulled aside
Men wanted to discuss the chapters
My heart felt so full, so elated
Its funny how you can float from one moment to the next
But then a thing or two deflates it as if
It was only a temporary mirage.

Perhaps I need to work on my professional language.

**** it
Whatfucking ever.

Haven't heard from you since this morning
I don't feel like recording ******* voice overs right now
Cleaning my kitchen in order to encourage happiness
All I got back from one of my room mates was a
"Thanks"

You can't win everyone's hearts.

I felt so apathetic, so cool, collected
Its so easy to place your hands through the fog
To sort it out with calm, collected words
Thinking no one can really see the panic in my heart
I can't believe you turned around
You turned around
You turned around
You turned around
You turned around
And were everything you said you weren't.

When I feel bitter or sad
I think about the fact that you are inked forever
Or how my last beautiful words must have left blood on your tongue
I step away from the anger, the doubt
I am told what to do early in the morning till mid afternoon
My eyes were swollen from red wine all day
Taking the every 30 minute temperature of soup


And for a few days out of the week
I pretend to be a civilian
To be one of them
I don't have to wear my artist hat
I don't have to shine or radiate
I drank and smoke a lot last night
No trigger warning, I just sassed it up

And its funny how one or two little thing
Can make you question everything.

The Wolf said to me last night
As I laid atop his dark mangy fur
With a growl and a whisper
Special. You said I was special.
Because not just anyone gets to **** the director.

You're right.
They don't.
And it makes me think of how we, we women
We always gotta have our paws and jaws up
Ready to be armed to fight
Or to sit down and die
I receive messages nodding at me for my bravery
And yet I still find myself

You turned around
You turned around
You were just like the rest
You were and are everything you said
You weren't
But we all smile in unison
Everyone comforts with friendship in the future
I know you do what you can to get by
But please, please ******* for 6 months.

I growl back at the wolf
The full moon hanging in the night sky
I take a night off for me
From everything.

"Fast Layne"
A Coworker gave me the nickname today
Thats a new one.
I watch Lemons rot but bare new seeds
Teedle plays in the southern sunshine
Floony Facetimes from afar
Layney remains in second grade
LM performs monologues to walls
And Layne Marie

Well.

She's the dangerously vivid one here.

Day 4
And I missed you painfully.
Laying in bed missing all the times I came home to your face(times).
It became my favorite time of the day.

Then I have to remember that guy on those facetimes isn't who stands before me now.
In love with someone I haven't seen in a while.

So whereas I used to fear giving a person space out of fear of being forgotten, being lived without, being replaced,
Today I realized if I am any of those things, I would be them regardless if I separated myself or not.
I will not love out of fear.
Distance and time and if it's meant to be it'll be.

I remember the first time I met you.
It wasn’t actually too long ago,
Four hundred and ninety-two days.
It may seem like I’ve known you forever, but I haven’t,
It hasn’t even been a year and a half yet.

January, a year and five months ago, the last Friday of winter break.
I was early to our lunch meetup, you lived nearby
The bus had dark pink seats and green handles
You said you would meet me on the corner.
I didn’t even really know what you looked like
Brown hair? Um, semi-tall?
All I had to go off of was your instagram.
You walked up outside,
Black tank top, a ponytail, looking at your phone
Thank god, let’s get out of here.
I don’t remember the first hello, but I remember meeting your parents.
A little awkward, your dad was on the treadmill, your mom doing yoga,
But they were both nice, they’d both been to my hometown.
Well,
Not my home anymore.
You lived on the eighteenth floor,
I found it weird that it said 18th “storey”
Adjust, adjust, adjust.
Get used to it,
This is where you live now.

Then, I remember
Next thing I know,
We’re on the third floor, at the benches.
I’m laughing, and shoving you a bit.
I’d only known you for five days then,
But it was something special, unexpected.
You were something special.
I’d never guessed this would happen
When you first emailed me, I was just confused.
I didn’t know what I would get out of moving here,
Jumping into something unknown,
Taking a risk,
It turns out,
I may not love the city
I may not love the school
But the people-
Oh, god,
The people.
I would give almost anything to move back home
Anything
Except-
The people.

I wanted so badly to go home,
This was too new, too hard,
I just wanted it to be over.
It didn’t even feel real,
It felt like some hazy dream that I could forget about in the morning
I mean,
For god’s sake, I found a ***** in my pasta at lunch
Students here were taking five, six advanced classes
So many people here looked unfamiliar, black hair, olive skin
I felt like a fish out of water,
Gasping for breath-
How could I get back in my fish bowl?

What kind of place was this?

I wanted to go home, to my reasonable sized house,
To the prospect of driver’s ed,
To skiing and the cold air,
To lunches spent laughing with my friends,
To my family,
To my pets,
To my home.

If we left though,
I think I might lose more than I thought
There was you-
Literal sunshine in human form,
Something like a goldendoodle
Just about the only thing making me think I could do this.
You were always there to lean on, supportive and kind, so very bright.
You made me laugh when I wasn’t even sure I could smile.

So I stayed.
And I cried.
A lot.
The first week
The second week
Three months in
Four months in
Four months and two weeks
The day before the AP exams.
But I stayed.
And it was worth it.

Was it, though?
Was it worth it?

A year and five months later,
Four hundred and ninety-two days,
I’m sitting in my room,
Laptop in front of me
Watercolors to my right
My cat somewhere in my parents’ room
My brother downstairs
We’ve been in quarantine for 48 days now
I’m an introvert, but this isolation is starting to wear on even me.

Was it worth it?

There’s you-
There from the start, before I even knew it.
There’s another girl, I met her at the start of all of this, but we weren’t close until later
She has two sisters and two small dogs, and understands what it feels like to not be able to breathe sometimes
So
There’s her.
Two more-
Both art students,
Different grades, from different continents, different personalities.
I met them both through art though.
One in Indonesia,
Where I met one of the funniest people, dry humor, full of jokes, not named Jessica
Swedish, always there for me to spill my secrets to, trustworthy to the end.
The other I met in class,
A die hard harry potter fan, a little crazy, but similar to me, there to commiserate with, to feed my caffeine addiction, to make me feel less alone.

I have these people now, I have a house, I have you.

But, is it a home?

My walls are still semi-bare
I still wanted to go home for Christmas
The end of quarantine is so close I might scream
School is going to be online for the rest of the year
I’m buried in assignments,
Trying to float, but I’m sinking under all the paper.
At my oldest brother’s job, multiple people got sick
I haven’t left the house in two weeks.

Is it a home?

I have a video of my parents dancing to the stereo
One friend visited me in august, genuinely excited to see me and my new country
We plan trips for the future
I’m looking for a job here
I’ve started to look at colleges
I can’t wait to see the friends I’ve made here after quarantine, to give you a hug

Is it a home?

We had virtual prom on a Saturday night
Makeup done, hair curled, dressed to the nines
Scribble.io instead of dancing
Thank you for that, by the way-
I almost didn’t come, but I’m glad you convinced me.
We FaceTime almost every day now,
Before and after our history exam too
You ordered me Starbucks afterwards as a thank-you for helping
The coffee might have been iced, but it still warmed my heart.

Is it
a home?

I want to leave- but do I?
I miss them
My friends and family at home.
I worry for them,
I can’t do anything to help them.
I see my mom ache,
I see my friends struggle.
I wish every day that I could be back under the sky there,
Blanketed in gray, comforting in its familiarity,
Where it rains every season, and snow caps the mountains,
Where it’s cold out, but always warm inside,
Friends and family and warmth and memory-
But there’s no You.

Would it be any better there instead of here?

I would only be missing different people.
Something inside of me might break again if we moved
More adjusting, more crying, more frustration
Is it better here?
The sun always shines and it’s never cold
You and I have a standing tradition of brunch every saturday we can manage
I’ve had my cat for a month now, and she’s barely older than a kitten, still playful
I’ve traveled from here more than I ever have before, Australia, Bali, more to come

I don’t know what to do
Am I supposed to stay here?
And keep missing the people I left behind?
Or do I go, and just miss people all over again

Tell me what to do,
You understand what it’s like, you’ve gone through this before.
What should I do?
Do I let go of my home? Embrace the now?
Place it safely away in a picture frame on my wall,
Put it inside a box on the shelf,
Slip the necklace from around my neck, hang it on its stand.

Or should I face backwards?
Beg my parents to move back,
Back to security, to the known, to the ease of a long-standing routine,
My friends will welcome me back
I’ll be glad to see my grandmother again
I won’t ever have to deal with this humidity again.

So tell me,
You probably know me best of anyone here,
You know what I like, you know who I am
What am I supposed to do?
Please, tell me what to do.

Is there a third option?
Is there a way, any possible way
That I can have both?

I can spend my years here,
My Summers there,
Where the sun is bright, but mild
I will get to see the seals and the beaches,
I will see my friends again
I won’t have to hold onto pieces of them,
The bits I receive in text messages and pictures and phone calls
I can split my world, have the two halves, but interwoven.
I’ll still get to have what I get here
You
I’d get to keep you,
Our brunches, our FaceTimes, every little thing in between

The warmth.

It’s the best of both worlds,
A dream come true.
I can do that,

I’ll keep the warmth,
I’ll stick with you.

the smell of 2 am facetimes
crying and panic attacks on repeat through the night
i still see my reflection blinking back at me

i fell in love with a ghost;
i saw the sheer blankness of her face
i never realized we were one the same

black cherry merlot and
caramel brûlée frappuchinos
go home, it’s midnight and you’re sleeping on my couch

It's hard
it hurts so much but its
the best feeling.
The happiness,
the smiles,
the late night facetimes.
The feeling that your
lost without them,
they mean the absolute
world to you
And you never wanna
lose them.