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OnwardFlame Sep 10
It was in the way the suds of
Foaming bits of
Little babe, little me
Little pretty please
Bend me over and make me
Plead for you
With love, with passion
I take you all in
I have elected to strive
To take you all in.

I spent the past two nights just sinking into my couch
Smoking fumes, red wine makes it
Makes me so easy
So breezy like if I wanted to dangle
From the burnt orange cliffs
I sometimes think back on
I remember my early 20s
Life the whiff of perfume
Lasting and lean.

I want to share my insides with you
And I want you to share your insides with me too
I recognize your talents
And I just want you to recognize mine too.

I’ve always longed to be worshipped
Like the black sheep of the fam
I uncover, reveal
I delight with sweet words, eyes
Always hoping always longing to be
Special
Magical.

I spoke to fairies inside the nooks of the drawings I drew
And hid beneath the bowl my father kept his keys in
My mama hung up portraits of me around the house
I donned white gloves for debutante *****
And drank my first glass of poison at the ripe age of 15.

I was a competitive pretty sassy thing.
Growing into someone who released it on stage
Catharsis became my name
I took my drawings of fairies
And poetic sing songs
And put them into myself
Into the performance after performance
Of that stage actor life.

I’m not entirely sure sometimes how I ended up where I am now
Sometimes I feel such deep understanding of who it is that I am
That I feel such love
But sensitivity has snuck up into the corners of my
Naughty grins
And debating banter.

I feel for you so deeply
Now that I’m here standing firmly looking at you
The shadows I have once known appear again like
Stained glass
Like me staining glass one by one
I have so much to give
I know you can see that
I know you can see me
I don’t know I’ve ever fully been seen before
Please keep seeing me

In my camo pants
Hoop earrings
Red tube top
And the way you nervously wiped away sweat
And seemed short of breath
When you first met me
Saw me
And heard my lips speak.
OnwardFlame Sep 4
A cushion of blackness falls
Down and forward
Caressing with a quality need, free
Your lips pink with the
Creases and juice
Of little big
Crystal muddy me.

I imagine it musta hurt
When you got that ink penned down into
Your wounds
I kiss them away
Even though I turn through a series
Of colorful flashes
Like I might
Like we're both
Here.

It is warm
In our blow torches
In the hearts we open like
Insects longing for a bittersweet
Cat calling, whistle gleaming
Desire for love and to be
Sincerely cared for.

You tolerate my antics
With a present open eyed face
And I wipe away the sensation
Of an unknown wetness I live and deny.

I haven't been able to write words in a while
I blame it on moving forward through pain.
And a quiet fear
Of where this relic will go or
I stop myself from finishing that sentence.

You draw up on palettes around me
With a vivid pastel blue and pink
Arming me with the perfect kind of knife
You give me words I can cradle
The words I've needed for such a
Long time
Since the time I heard the jingle jangle
Of closing doors, of closing wounds.

I don't feel like I need to write to you
In the way I have men before
You see, I'd pull out
My ammo of prism words
My gun of "see me, see me"
Don't shoot
Don't shoot
Read my words
And I hope this growing woman I've been
Becoming can find refuge
In the word as a shelter
Not just a sacrificial lamb.

I think that you are beautiful
With your chosen collections
Your acute sense of style
And the way you have become who
I believe you want to be
Even through darkness you acknowledge
With the subtle wave of your eyes
And sweet soft hands.
I hope
To be more than just a cinematic character for you
But to be truly someone.
And I can't quite finish that thought right now either
Because I don't know where any roads will lead
My fairy tales tend to trail off.

You are a jet black feeling
I lay down for in the gentlest way
Though I protest for roughness
You meet the green greed of my eyes
With a steadfast
Present and open
Hearted feeling.

And thats just what I need
Thats just what I want.
OnwardFlame Sep 4
I burn the midnight oil
I burn the midnight oil
Because its when the world is quiet
And I can turn in hours
Correspond.

I try to drink more water
Kicking up dust, dirt
Gumption
I remember when that was a word
An ex lover
Who later would describe himself in my life
As a beleaguered father
But I never fully understood what that meant
No, just now I kinda do.

My hair grows long again
Lana del Rey came out with a new album
Her work always seems to
Fall right into
The cracks and crevices of
The woodwork.

And I often feel nostalgic for the past
I can't repeat
Like I'm some kind of pretty manic
Southern machine.

I'm wondering how where
Will I conjure up
The next thing?

It all takes so much time.

And I remember riding in the car
In my lime green
Pink sunglasses
Coral lips
So perfectly curated
I wanted to resemble
Outshine even
All the film girl fantasies
Like maybe, just maybe
If I looked like your perfect leading lady
It woulda been me you chose.

It wasn't in the end though
I don't think you could
Ever quite figure it out.

But god knows I ******' tried.

I danced among the sea foam
Wrote poems into the night sky
Just hoping in time you would realize
Through my poems
Through my feet waltzing among egg shells
Through my willingness to coach and share

That it coulda been me
It was me
It was me all this time.

A one sided fantasy is only so good.

I wonder how you are
And imagine you moving on and forward
I wonder if your life is simpler now
Now that I've been banished away
Now that you have banished yourself away.

It was only gonna last so long
It was only gonna last so long
You used to watch my stories
I'd always notice when you did
I just always wanted you to pay attention
I just wanted you to look at me
To care, to feel a real interest
But you were turned away the whole way through
And I still feel the sting of your half hearted caresses
Your half hearted love
Your half hearted.

You said we were like a movie
And its only in that regard
That I look back at it with cinematic eyes
And know that was all
That was it
It was never going to be more
Than me with me.
OnwardFlame Sep 4
I still think of you often
Like an old forgotten
Lullaby
That chimes its head
To and away from me
Once upon
A little bit
Every once
All the time.

I remember your curls
And the way I wanted you to love me
The way I fought for your attention
Your faith
Your talent
Your rain.

I wonder sometimes if I was in love with you harder
Because there was a barrier between us
Because I'm addicted to pain.

A new love
Though I can barely even
Call it, or dub it love
(For my own fear)
I went down a quiet tunnel road
Thinking the truth
Of how I was treated in the bedroom
And how they both left, with a clanging
Jingling
Heartfelt though ******
Mess.

I made movies about it
I often still do
My movies have become larger than me
My work has become larger than me
So much so
That the rest hasn't caught up
Not yet.

I haven't yet.
OnwardFlame Sep 4
It is all
The epitome of an uphill climb
Sometimes I'm sincerely not sure how to
Stay afloat
Adrift
In the crystal castle
That I have built with so much,
So little.

My eyes and body waiver
In the amount of work
Yet the least amount of
Dollar
Counts.

Everyday I am trying, stepping
Towards a golden glittering ground
But my patience it thins
I hope my therapist and I can
Resend my resilience
But I'm spread so thin.

I wonder when will my time come
When will the struggle be less
Obtuse
In the climb of
The invisible ladder
To get to
To reach your
Ambitions.
OnwardFlame Aug 23
Tonight on this night
I feel slightly more
Weightless
Like I can allow myself
To just surrender, feel
Good even.

It is the end of the week
I've gotten to where I'm just
Looking so quick for
The blossoming weekends.

The leaves have started to fall
The air has become crisper
I am soaking up the sun
I am soaking it up.

In this moment
In this time
I allow myself to
I tell myself
I meditate on
Feeling good
Being happy
And surrendering
To wonder
To enjoyment
To peace.
OnwardFlame Aug 14
All that there is left to do now
Is to forget and release the pain
To face the truth
And remember I did the best
I could.

I'm not sure what happened with you
I may never.

And that is a fact
As time goes on I will be okay with
And the silence between us grows
I just really wanted to matter
I know I did.

Its all gone
There is nothing here to hold us together
Its all gone.

I'm glad to have finally
Released myself
From the pain you inflicted upon me
Her
I'm just glad its done.

I don't include you anymore
I do my best to work through
The spot you had in my life
For only a moments time
And I admit to myself freely
I was mightily unhappy
Then
Then.

Maybe someday
We'll get along again
My mind has cycled and still does
Through all the moments
Working through the beginning
To the end
Trying to remove itself
From the grief
Of unexpected deceit
And just how hard I tried
To make it work.

But its gone
It is done now
I don't have to suffer anymore
Trying to keep you
Maintain you
Woo you with my love
Compete for all of your
Attention
I can just forget about it now.
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