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OnwardFlame Nov 9
You tell me goodnight tonight
With utmost love
And as I write
I feel a sad longing in my body
For you
Missing you
How difficult it is to be without you here
Though we know you'll be here alongside me
And I alongside you
So soon.

We acknowledge this time
Has a universal significance
So that we can both work on and be at peace
With ourselves, our work, the world
As we prosper
And can't wait to kiss
Caress
And see each other next.

You taste like hot coffee in the morning
And the beautiful eggs
You present to me
After you've had your daily ritual
Of preparing to be at your best
And its so sweetly you
I want holding me
I want touching me.

We met like ships in the night
I fondly tell people
Both in temporary Chicago living situations
In the concrete industrial city
Where we got some **** done
And discovered more
Discovered one another.

It feels so real and natural
Content, making plans with you
Making dreams with you
Building, growing, focusing on being present
I'm so in love with the all enveloping
And ever evolving, patient, and passionate
Love we share together.

I see you so soon.
OnwardFlame Nov 9
At night
When the world goes quiet
And it's just me, the quiet, the slumbering of my kitty cat
Blue screens I try to
Descend slowly away from
Stuck in old patterns
Change place, change scene
The noises are still the same
And it's still just me with me
Whether my sweet love is there
Or my room mate retires to bed
I feel the lonely soulful sigh of night
And think, "well..we meet again."

I remember when I was a young girl
My father on some nights
Would be walking by mine and my little brother's bedroom
At night, past our bedtime
He would hear me
My vintage Barbie car radio on loud
And just me moaning, groaning, singing
Along to the sounds
Just trying to quiet down the silence.
I would find comfort in hearing the foot steps
Or the practicing of monologues from my big brother
Right above my room
Our dogs in the crate
You would have to so carefully tip toe past
Or one of them would go into a barking raging fit.

I come from a big white wooden house
With dark green shutters
Rocking chairs to match
And a pool that was so large, so vast
I'd swim from side to side
From side to side
My dainty feet effortlessly hitting the stones
In the secret garden
Where I whispered and led fairies
Drove my energy into imaginary beings
Frolicked with friends
Longed to be older
To be in love
To belong
Create
Somewhere.

My room was large
And I think back on it now
Wondering what my father has done with it
In that big old white house
The house, the pool
Their love would slowly dissolve into
When my brothers and I would leave
To go about our own lives, our own journeys.

I remember the sound of my father walking into the house
He always came through the laundry room
Right by my little brother and I
Right by the crates
Right where I closed my door
And had many of my very first experiences
As a young
Teen girl.

My family was my family
We wanted to be strong
Under placid smiles
Under lace veiled facades
Under the delicious food we ate
And the times and hard lessons
I learned
Growing and going
Growing and going.

It all feels like a distant dream now
That big white house with the green shutters
The treehouse they had built only to remove it
Because the neighbors complained
All of the animals
That played and entertained me
In the woods by my house
In the meadows I danced through
In the chicken I ate
As a growing
Going
Southern
Girl
Youth.
OnwardFlame Oct 19
For the first time in my life
I feel like I have no career.

It all came to a halt
Suddenly and without warning
Just like
Stopped mid sea, mid stream
I was burning so quick so thick
Mask up, headed home till who knows when
Cameras stopped rolling
I tried to pour myself into scripts
No longer sure how to keep going
Submerged myself into a plethora of baths
I got to a place recently where I thought
Maybe, just maybe
Its so good for me to take a hiatus
Maybe, just maybe this break in time
Is a little piece of paradise.
Heaven.
Quiet.

I've gotten so much self esteem,
Identity captial
Off cha-ching-cha-ching
Web and video screens
Make me hum and sing
I want all the recognition
I want all the attention
I want all the status
Power
More power
More notice
Climbing up an invisible ladder
That's how I always saw it
That's how I always saw me
Forever longing and striving
To win

I'm not sure there is anything to win now
I don't really cash in the way I once did
I, like many of us
Have been stripped of the thing I got so much fuel
So much power out of
Into just being well
Myself.

Love, real, grounded love
Entered into my life
Before I made the biggest transition
Flying away yet again
This time from Chicago to LA
And that, that within itself is such a feat
Such a dream
But I just don't know where my future pay checks will be coming from
I don't know how I'll be able to afford to live the kind of life
I so badly want to live
I don't know how I'll reach the next level
I probably should enter more contests
I should write more
Do more
Work out more
Put myself out there more
Climb
Climb
Climb
No aspiration is too big
That's what I always felt
That's what I always believed.

But its quiet now
In the moments I invite in
Its no longer about reaching the next thing
Or checking off wins
Staying up late into the night working
(Though I sometimes still do)

The purpose of coming to LA
Was always to simplify
To specify
To let the loud loud sounds
The raging noise
Of anything insignificant subside
I don't have to compare myself to anyone
And its been so difficult
To watch other people have such large wins
When I feel like I'm just trying to
Catch my breath

And embark on this level up.
OnwardFlame Jul 27
Your palms and fingers
Like strong metal mirrors trace my face
Pulling my hair away
You slip into the cloak I'm wearing
Like the wine out of a goblet I drink
Into the starless city night sky
And I needed to battle it out with you
I imagine in our time together
Who I am needs to be shown
Who the stronger of us is.

I've been so deep on this road on my own
My holographic drum echoing so loud
As I hit it back and forth
With neon pink claws
And an icy green desire
To release, to give, to empower, to elevate.

I'm a bossy *****
When I know what I want I go for it
With a sharp confidence
I've had to work so hard baby
To convince people they should trust me to lead.
I'm still in the midst of that journey
Question marks scaling the wind around me
I slashed and even still--
Slash through them with a mighty arrow, or sword
Whatever currently suits my fancy
Or feels innate.

I know for a long time
I haven't truly respected many of my past lovers
I've gotten so good at being on my own.

You came along
With such great care, to hold, to ground
You pour over my body like you could feast for days on end
I surrender myself to you
Even if I need to fight you at first
I've just spent so long fighting.

So now what?
Its nearly 3AM
My words, letters, I glisten within the feeling of releasing them
I know you said the weight for you wasn't there
But I hope you too,
Feel great care
And later reflect back on the words I gift to you
With that love within yourself you offer to me
Not because I need to prove myself to you
But because you are so capable of giving.

A lion
I'd been waiting to meet one.
OnwardFlame Jul 27
What will it look like?

To choose palm trees
Ocean water
Hot sandy beaches
Vapor wave inside me
And right beside the sea.

What will it look like?
To let my hair continue to grow
Strong and long
To finish inking my arm
To sit in my power.

What will it look like?
To fly out to the next place
To start anew
To kick up holographic dust.

What will it look like?
To keep seeing and seeing
What I want and deserve.

What will it look like?
To just go for it all.

What will it look like?
To truly release myself from the grip
I've created within myself.

What will it look like?
To let myself no matter how hard things get
To have such a strong ground and soft core
And to flourish
Despite all obstacles.

What will it look like?
To let people who didn't choose to stay go
Remembering you did the best you could
And that who you are will not always
Play well with others
And that your own ego tries to convince you otherwise
But you wouldn't want to be for everyone
No, never darling.

What will it look like?
To sleep at a decent hour
To consume coffee in the daylight outdoors
To be surrounded by a holographic buzz
To stop apologizing for greatness, ambition
And allow just really
Truly allow
Myself to stand into and within the earth of the desert
With ease
With abandon

With gratitude.
OnwardFlame Jul 27
Galaxies and whirling color above my head
The ceiling growing more empty
Womb like, a friend called it yesterday.

I've lost my voice just about
It is 2am, the wee hours
And I am awake with some kind of energy
Some kind of fear, worry
What a time of
Things so quickly changing
With zero notice.

Buzzing it all whisks and buzzes so fast
It whirls past me while I wade in the swamp
And I wonder where to turn to next.

I've always known I would once again
Go my own way
Noticing with quiet thunder
Noticing with quiet thunder
Those that clap and cheer ahead
And those that go quiet
Or maybe were quiet all along.

I'm not sure how to give anymore love than I give
Sometimes I feel so exhausted from the outpour
I've been thinking about
As a little girl
All the sketches, all the pretend
All of the moments to try and
Shine
Shine
Just watch me shine.

I've surrounded myself with people that seem to see me
I surround myself with knowing, feeling
Don't get too comfortable
You actually
Can't.

Sleep, sleep an activity that has never come easy to me
And has only gotten worse
With the pandemic
With wanting to do better
With moving forward
With feeling behind
With.

Its alright
Its alright
Its alright
I try to talk to myself with love
I remind myself I deserve love.
OnwardFlame Jun 12
I wonder if you remember the night
When not that long ago
You nervously choked down beers
I sat in a red tube top
My hair beginning to grow.

It was that very same day
I acknowledged Alex was never coming back
No he was never coming back
For me.

I want newness
I don't want to entertain the past
Anymore
As I imagine it'll be you that comes across me first
It'll be you that spots me first from afar
With my bright blonde hair
And ability to make you feel.

I wonder what you think
When you think on me now
And how hard you shut the door
How loud you let me know
You didn't want to kiss me
Or be there for me
You were always better
Remotely.

Behind screens
I still think of you
As the man behind a screen
And I've gotten so strong in this time
I've been through so much during this time
Especially because
I did it all without you.

I wonder if we will ever see one another again
And I think of all of the men
I never saw again
Or if I did
How my whole body lit on fire
And I just have had to move on along
Let you mean nothing to me in the end.

Its been such a hard time for us all
I used to lament the feelings I felt
When I tried to convince
When I tried to maintain
When I hurt myself by staying with you
Or you.

Growth
Its no easy task
But I surrender to it with a knowing sigh
A little a lot
In time.
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