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OnwardFlame Aug 25
I wish I could pretend
Like my heart wasn't hurting the way it is
When I'm alone
An anchor
We've, I've heard you described
As what was once an anchor on me

It is so hard to imagine
You living down the street
Gazing out the 7th floor windows
Enjoying the balcony
The bathtub I would have bathed in
The candle I bought
The orchid
I wonder how she grows
Or if you threw my pack of **** away
And if your heart hurts
Aches even
When you are alone

It didn't work out between us
I ended up living here in Echo Park
Much longer than I
I once thought we
And sometimes I feel real embarrassed about that
Sometimes I feel angry, every feeling
As I blocked you out one final time
Feeling so tired of like
I was the person uninvited
I was the person who's invitation got taken away
But then again
It was you who first tried to put back on your pants
And leave the downtown hotel room.

I'm not the same person anymore
I'm not super sure who I am becoming now
Sometimes I feel like I love and like who I'm becoming
So very much
With a zeroed in focus on healing
Self work, self care, self focus
Every time I take a hit of **** for the first time
I feel relieved there is no one around to judge me for it
And I'm realizing more and more
What I want
What I deserve
Who I am
Who I am becoming
What my goals are.

You moved all the way back to LA
Just to let me go.

Does your heart ache
Does your heart hurt
When you too are alone?
OnwardFlame Jul 23
When the weekends arrive
Particularly on pacific coast time
I remember how you'd say you'd scoop me up
Take me to your place in Venice for a time.

It became our place
You moved there for a moment
To sweeten my heart
And we all just fell apart
In the end.

My weekends here now
The silence feels so loud
My living situation is not what I wanted
Not what I planned
Not what I hoped for.

And I cried to my therapist
Said nearly everything ugly
I'd thought about myself
And you
Since you stopped choosing me.

I don't know why
You keep that picture of me
On your Instagram page
Or the pictures of us
Where we did our best
To live and love.

I wonder where you are now
Watch your life proceed without me
From a far distance
As your following and follower count grows
But I can't even see it
Because you have your profile set on private.

I compare and contrast myself
To all your supposed friends
And wonder if you miss me
As badly as I do you.

We spoke of you coming and finding me again
I never thought there would be such loud
Profound silence
Between the two of us
And I wonder if we will ever meet again.

I'm not happier without you
Is the truth
And I wish so much
You could remeet me now
Take me out of this tiny apartment
In Echo Park
Let's build the life we dreamed
No more just fantasies.

Let's build the life we dreamed please.

So I shake off the dust
The dust I inflict upon myself
Close the old chapter
Where this time last year I was not who I am now
And continue to grow and get better
At not absorbing
The opinions, emotions, and energy of others
And give myself permission
To grow.

Perhaps in time
Perhaps in time
The weekends are always the most painful
Long black cotton dress
The way you kissed my neck
Our love was real
Our love is real.
OnwardFlame Jul 8
How do you
How do you say
I want to write our own script with you
I want to be your life partner
And to explore and frolic into the rest.

I want you to propose
I want to marry you
And for you to marry me
I want us to own property
Settle down
With a life full of splashes of color
I want to accept you just as you are
And I want to embrace the fluidity
Within which I see and can hear
For the first time without fear
Or demons I couldn't see past before
You for the very first time
I can hear and I can see
I can feel and I have the tools to work through my own

How do you say
Can't you see how I have greatly transformed
How do you say
Can you give me
Another whole chance
And I will too
How do you say
I want to live with exuberance
To love with openness and excitement
To share a full life of love, compassion
All knowing self awareness
With you.

OnwardFlame Jul 8
Like ships in the night
We keep passing each other
Right on by
Tears welling in my eyes
The fear of you moving on
Replacing, perhaps even better

I take more medicine
Now on an airplane unable to
Try and strive to be
That higher level
I'll be on this ride for a few hours time
Paid for internet
Try and detect the feelings best
I know I'll be going home
Facing how you aren't with me.

I remind myself of the kisses
Of the ***** words said to me
By men
The options that I have
The smoke show I've become
Everything you have ever wanted
And I just want
I want you to see
And hear it for yourself.

In time
In time
In time.

Sometimes I think back on all the terrible times
And remember how I contributed to it
I don't even feel like the same person.

It all feels like a faint history
With so much emotion
And a lot of love
We just weren't sure how to

I fly away
Like I seem to always be
I read a little bit of a book
To remind my mind, body, soul
To open.
OnwardFlame Jun 28
The best thing about having a boyfriend is using his Netflix even after you break up. #notallmen
OnwardFlame Jun 28
So now what
I feel like this has been my opening line
For every poem I write
Nearly every night.

With a clamoring crash
All the walls to the house we built
Came crashing down
I think I might have taken a pair of scissors
To the windowsills
Just trying to feel something again
Sick of the purgatory
And the ultimate newness
You didn't put your palm out for
That happens after you break away
From a lover you were building with.

So here I am now
With my windowsills split
My cat meows at our door endlessly
Looking for sunshine and grass to eat
And I got angry earlier
With painful truths
So he took out the already loose nails of the roof
& now here I stand in the debris.

I hope he'll see the rumble & tumble
Of me with the broken pieces of our love
As I see a series of flashbacks
Where I was young all was so complex,
And he'll feel a deep mournful keeeeeeening
Tremendous loss.

People speak of the virus spreading
New strains
Drank too much Blantons at the party
Got sick all the next day, forgot my body
Ordered more **** after vowing to cut back
That's when I remind myself I will get on it
But cut yourself some slack
You've been doing your ******' best
Only matters you know that.

Made some shrimp tonight after weeping into my mattress
I have every right to hurt.

Big sigh

OnwardFlame Apr 21
So now what

I'm here in Chicago
I filled my day with self care
And it feels like he's distancing himself further
And further away from me
Like he's been coming and moving away from me
All this time.

My therapist says this time, its different
I can feel
That this time
It is different
I'm different.

And it hurts so much to be compared to
The wounds of my past
And my appetite was so finicky tonight
I could never make a decision
So I just didn't
Its getting late now I've got a big day ahead of me tomorrow
My gabapentin ran out
I'm not going to be able to get it until tomorrow night
He had up a picture of us
And its gone again now
He blocked another account
He needs space he says
He needs time he says
He needs to recover he says
And my hope slowly disappears into the night.

It feels so unfair to be compared to where I've been
I look in the mirror
So much different now
I'm already so different now
And I wish so much
I was cuddling you
And you were holding me right back
On the couch you got for us.

I sleep 7 floors above the ground
I stare at my phone
Like it might tell me something different
I need to go to bed sooner
I miss you so much
I hope you miss me too.
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