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els Jan 16
check your grades once a month and don’t wash your hair. the care routine you got yourself into won’t make your skin shine the same, so stop it all together. you don’t need to spend all that money at ulta anyway.
2. don’t answer your phone. keep a minimum of 100 unread texts. it’s easier to let go of people when you anger them. this way will keep them from getting hurt.
3. drink cough syrup when you aren’t sick and swallow benadryl when you aren’t itchy. the high you will feel will change the way you think of being hazy. you’ll learn more about yourself from those few hours than any other time in your life.
4. stop saying i love you. let people detach naturally.
5. forget your homework. lay in your bed for hours and cry.
6. sit next to the toilet and sob.
7. take your heart from your sleeve and throw it on the ground. crumple it up. make sure it will never be the same shape again.
8. sob when no one’s there for you, but never forget you are the one who pushed them away in the first place. you broke your own heart. you brought this upon yourself. the loneliness you feel is your fault. all of this is your fault.
9. break your fragile bones like glass. rip your heart into pieces.
10. fall apart.
els Jan 16
the smell of 2 am facetimes
crying and panic attacks on repeat through the night
i still see my reflection blinking back at me

i fell in love with a ghost;
i saw the sheer blankness of her face
i never realized we were one the same

black cherry merlot and
caramel brûlée frappuchinos
go home, it’s midnight and you’re sleeping on my couch
memories from after death (more or less)
els Jan 15
we sit in the fourth row of the movie theater
he plays with my hair and calls me pretty
i don’t know what we are but i know we are more
because friends don’t look at each other like that
i am not a secret he can keep behind his back
i am real and i’m alive and i am trying to care for him
even if i still do not know how to take care of myself
we sit behind the heater in the rain
he tells me he doesn’t regret it
he tells me he’d do it again any day
(i think we both know i'd do it again too.)
els Jan 15
it doesn’t snow here but i feel the cold stinging my cheeks just the same
(it’s good because the leaves don’t fall from the trees. i don’t like watching everything around me die)
my mom doesn’t sleep in my bed and she doesn’t notice the bad days
(at least i’m allowed to cry in peace now.)
the bags under my eyes are more permanent now
(i guess i can only sleep when I’m bleeding.)
els Nov 2018
i’d rather think about all the ways your smile curls than the fact that we don’t talk anymore.

it’s not healthy, i know. i know i fell into the roses and ignored the thorns but it felt good. it felt good to love you.

let’s look past this. i want to say so many things to you that i will never have the courage to.

the voices in my head like to scream your name when they think i’m not listening. it’s okay, at least i know that one of those screams is yours.

you ran when i told you i cried. you told me i needed something to feel better. something like 50 mg, or 200 mg, or actually, you might need 500 mg. you didn’t want to see me sad so you flooded my mailbox with happy pills.

i feel dizzy and i feel your nails digging underneath my skin. ouch, i say. stop complaining, you reply. this way you won’t want to hurt yourself again. you’re right. i’ll never hurt myself like you did. i tried to gather the strength but it made me feel sick.

let me crawl across your skin just like you did mine. i only ate 350 calories today, i promise. my body is a wasteland for you.
to my blade
els Nov 2018
how long will it take to rewrite my story
the definition i have complied with tends to lean onto their side of things
                                      (you’re right, i know it)
fingers fragile and hands bleeding
                                     (i’m sorry i worried you)
i wish i could read between your lines
i want to see behind your eyes
                                  (who said i didn’t need you?)
i need you.
els Nov 2018
trigger warning
and get off the ground
  stop it! you’re making a scene
don’t cry in the church (it’s not what God would want)
who’s screaming inside my head?
i love you,         i’m sorry,         i can’t do this anymore.
it's not like you'll wake up in the morning
where did sleep go?
is this what they mean when they say you’re going crazy?
         where is he?
everything is black and white
breathe, breathe,
life is meaningless anyway
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