I don't deserve the sun
I don't deserve the sea
I don't deserve feet to run
Or eyes so I can see

I don't deserve a home
I don't deserve a friend
I don't deserve to roam
Or with others to blend

But I know you don't agree
You think I deserve more
But truly you deserve better than me
You're not something you buy at the convience store

But I don't deserve you
I don't deserve how much you care
I don't deserve anything you do
And hurt me? You wouldn't dare

When I deserve the rain
And every dark cloud in the sky
You take away my pain
And make the clouds say goodbye

I know I can't provide you
With everything you need
But there is one thing I can do
Is give you this poem to read

To tell you how much I love you
And I care so much for you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To make sure I keep you

Because if we are honest
I don't deserve you
But I'll try my best
To make this good for you

I counted the ambulances as they glided swiftly by
screeching painful pitches at the cars who were now anxiously parting the pavement sea for the savior's convience or just because they have people that they love & the possibility of a home hitting tragedy shocks their entire bodies.

I sat all pensive and overwhelmed once I got to number ten, recalling all of the times the bad news was delivered nervously to me by a man in a truck lugging red sirens just like the ones flashing before me. That desperate ring, too identifiable to us all creates an eerie silence like a funeral song. Not because of the way it cuts the airwaves but because of the memories it instantly plays back to us.

We all know why an ambulance comes & none of us want to be the one curled up in bed a week from today, crying at the light as it pours through the shutters, sick from a void that aches with every move.

Everyone is reaching for their cellphone.
"Please I need to hear your voice. Tell me
you're okay" & then you see the panicked
lady in the lane beside you who
was directed to voicemail.
I'm so sorry

I give my all in all I do
Tired of being judged I take care of myself
Give my even if others don't think its enough
Over the big ******* in the face
I'm respect even though others do me wrong
Be my friend when I need you not at your convience
Over all ppl opposing I bust my *** for respect earning my place showing I belong
Sick of others failed relationships being a fear
I won't commit unless its worth my time
Over hearing problems that continue to worse when solutions have been provided
I've accepted certain ppl won't accept me or see me the same
I prefer to be more overless working hard for progress
The results will come out of the process
I've made changes and sacriced over all the selfish ppl
Making me a target because they are a routine
I'm not giving up or letting up back to the basics

Alone
Always alone
Please
Somebody
Find me
A home
I want to belong
to someone
other than myself
to be the lover
of another
and be loved in return

I am tired
of abandonment issues
the exit wounds
being torn through
left bereft
with holes
and scars
shallow breaths
and worn out beats
a broken heart

For once
I just want to be held
and not put down
not let go
but treasured
kept
swept
off my feet
cherished

All my friends
seem to have come and gone
I feel so alone
Lonely
Always second
a hand-me down
Never first
an afterthought
sought after
only out of convience

It hurts
worse each time
I break open
to let someone in
only to be shut out
by them in the end
Again and again
the third wheel
spinning tirelessly
circling the drain
swallowing pain

When will they notice
that I am shambles
bleeding from the inside out
internal wounds
Hemorrhaging
from all the cuts
the back stabbing
Is it really that hard
to love me
to see me
accept me
for who I am?

I know Im quiet (introverted)
and awkward at times
high on anxiety
lowered to depression
but funny too
sweet and kind
intelligent mind
heart more courageous than a lion
loving fiercely mankind
Yet everyone leaves me
in the back of the car
like a crying baby
forgotten in her booster seat
in Summer heat
dying from neglect

Alone
Always alone
Please
Somebody
find me
A home
I want to belong
to someone
other than myself
to be the lover
of another
and be loved in return

One day
I wont have to try
so hard to be relevant
cared for/about
by the very people
I've come to adore
beg for attention and time
In time
I will find my tribe
kick off my shoes and relax in my socks
by the fire place of warmth
my soul embraced and loved

No longer the one calling out
to hear only a dial tone
or answering machine
receive no response
No longer will I walk
as the wind
nor be the waning moon
an empty shadow
silent company
of leaves and trees
hollow
A bystander
A dead end
or one way street
the ghost unseen
someone who no longer exists
in their world

One day
Ill finally find myself
at home
right where I belong

And you wonder why blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed
There's things in life you can't accept
You would fight till you die
Than stand a day in its mess

And you wonder why blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed

Freedom has a high price
And it's not given
It's taken by the oppressed

And you dont have to look far
At the world's most horrific tragedies
Look at your own anxieties

When you act like your living
But every vain in your body
Is shivering.

Cause you're supressed by capitalism
Working day and night
And your opinion is not for the giving.

Nor are you allowed to be sad
Nor are you allowed to be mad
This is how life is, they tell you
This is how life is, they convience you
Don't be a woss
They tell you
Be strong by following me
While I follow what they want me to be
And they follow what they were taught to be
By people who followed their own misery
Thinking this is how life should be

You don't wonder anymore
When you have tasted it
The depression the pain and the downgradment
It drives you insane

You don't wonder
Why the blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed

Cause freedom has a high price
And it's not given
Its demanded by the oppressed

So, are you up for the battle
Or your ganna shut up, and cry every night?
Down your pills ?
Roll a blunt ?
Down that drink ?
Then go numb ?
And go with the cattle ?

I will never be able to get the feeling of your hands running up and down my body.
It's funny, after a year of this you're starting to text me to **** but when we're in bed nothing is quiet enough.
I don't think you're ashamed, but I know you like me best when you're out of your mind.

I don't care, and I probably never will. I enjoy being with you, but I don't have to be ****** up to want you. I'm not asking for love.

I just want you to have some sort of attraction to me. Show me something besides apathy or drunk and high you wanting to ****.

I like you for more than our ***. You make me laugh and you can be sweet if you want.

I can't get the sight of you looking at me when I wake up. Your eyes are always so bright. I just want to lean in and kiss you, to kiss your scruffy face.

I'm still here as the convience **** I know I am, and I know it won't last that much longer. Doesn't mean I can stop thinking about you anyway.

Letting go of you was difficult
A little time passed
And I felt I was freed from
The chained that tied my heart to yours

Wrong wrong wrong
Time has not been able to do the trick
Neither have. I been able to free my heart
From this ******* of love

Where do I go?
How do I solve this hurting problem
How do I convience my heart that
Its really over?


Help!!!

what am i to you
a play toy
you can come home to everyday
here for your convience
or
a being you see
soul deep
beyond the beauty and brokenness
here to be a partner for life
what am i to you

To the person who only likes me when its convenient. I want to hate you. I want to push you out of my life and scream about how used I feel sometimes. I am a servent ready to please you at a tip of the hat. You ring a bell and I come scampering to you like an animal. When I call. I just keep calling until my voice goes horse. Then you come home drunk and finally want me. I wish I could walk away but there’s something constantly tugging at me every time I try. The constant fear of being alone. Of losing an opportunity to finally feel loved and wanted. So I stay. At your convience of course. When we’re together you give me bliss and soothe my aching heart but when we aren’t we are strangers because who would want to be associated with me? I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to be either.

light fragrant cologne, wide cappuccino cups,
rainy afternoons, and somber evenings, warm soft grips, velvet couches, and awkward silences, four legs fitting closely, overwatered money trees, church bells, crossed arms, rude tones, relentless giggles, prolonged eye-contact, tacos, the funny buzzer entrance, tears, riding skateboards home, watching art, park walks, dinner in, conspiracy videos, avoidance, breakfast sandwiches, fancy pants, cringe sayings, dad jokes, detachment, attachment, week night calls, impromptu singing, the neighbours parties, your friends drama, my friends drama, our drama, impulsive confessions, snapchat streaks, warehouse keyronas, tiny donuts, documentaries, game of thrones, embarrassed, attractive, exciting, the body pillow, convience stores, your sweater, friendly debate, heated debate, resentment, come on in, open windows, open arms, hurt, resentment, the 501, and your oatmeal sweatpants

Honesty should precede
Not an afterthought
In line with fact and reality
Accurate And Actual

Truth has no intent
Does not require a thought process
A simple direct narration of facts
Happened as it were

Lying is one step away from the truth
It is intentional expression requiring thought process
To create deception

Hides behind words and situations
Created and simulated
To appear like the truth
Probity wears a mask called trickery

Truth does not bear a price
Comes free unlimited
False has a tag
There is no buyback

The price one pays
Integrity lost for life
Every utterance doubted
No point living life

Dishonesty is valued
Beats the balance
Weighted against any
Gullible trade it for harmony

Recalling requires memory
With veracity not neccasary
Made up for convience
Puzzle to Solve in the present

Labryinth a loop
Entrance free and easy way out
Entrance now disappeared
Exit served as the entrance

Lies leads to secrets
Outside and within the self
More secrets to guard
Living  a life with self deception

Honesty flows endlessly
Fiction has a ******
Unpleasant ending defined
Downhill trip an anticlimax


Choice was offered
Greatest gift to be celebrated
Right or Wrong
Postman delivers where you belong

Truth travels with Courage
To face the troubles that truth brings
Lie had Cowardice for a friend
Encourages you to run till the end

Speak the truth
One dimensional life
Speak the untrue
Multidimensional to endure
Those who believe their lies
No words can describe

Lie a Nuclear weapon
Kills relationships for every sesson
Later trying to reason
Reason requires truth unfortunate equation

Death of lies
Only bereavement to be celebrated
Unmasking the self deception masks
A new date of birth to be marked

Fear and outcome
Causing the verbal zig zag
Fear grows manifold
Outcome's doors close