iv.

warmth
makes me
shiver

There is something beautiful about two sad people who agree to hurt each other.
Something comforting.
It is a comfort only very damaged people understand- the tacit agreement to cause pain, and to receive it.
Pleasure is for people who have what they want.
But for those of us who are starving, ours is best peppered with suffering.
Being with someone who understands that carries its own worth-
I don't want you to make me feel good.
I couldn't stand it if you did.
I don't want you to touch me gently, or ask if I'm alright, or stop to look into my eyes.
I am starving, and so are you: I want your teeth.
I want you to make me hurt. And I want to hurt you.
I want you to hurt me because I'm not him, and I want to hurt you because you're not her.
We want to see each other suffer because we are starving and we need to feel that someone else is.
Don't hold back. I want you to lower me because I'm too good for her.
Don't love me, don't caress me. Dig your nails in. Drip candlewax on my stomach.
One step down from torture is all I can stand in the way of human connection, when it isn't her.
Punish me for looking at her like a baleful puppy tonight, even as you waited in my room with your soft skin and your sharp teeth.
There is nothing you can do that will be too violent, too brutal, too sadistic.
I don't want to be loved right now.
I am too raw.
I want to be touched. I want to be ruined. Leave marks. Smear lipstick.
Lower me because I am
Too
****
Good for her.
Let this heart know on no uncertain terms that its needs don't matter.
Help me **** it. Help me pin my demons to the bed and make them writhe, and I will do the same for you.
Let's exorcise our loves tonight and banish them to hell.
Let's tell our skin that it is irrelevant.
Let's say "*******" to the things that bind us. I will cut your heart out for him.
I will kiss your scars, not to heal them but to remind you that when you put them there you fought for something, something we both fight for now.
Hurt me. Fight her. Do it for her.
Do it for her because I'm not good enough to hurt.
Do it for her because I'm TOO good to hurt.
Crush me.
You could boil me alive and it wouldn't make up for her, so at least leave me bruised.  
I will give you what you need, and you will give me what I need: not love, but contact.
Please,
Let my heart know on no uncertain terms that its needs
Don't
Matter.

There is something beautiful about two sad people who agree to hurt each other.

She, blank-stared, eyes
The color of the forest
And filled with joy

Or none, her hands
Tight around his heart
She warns, don't say it

Sometimes he caves,
He gives into her carnal desires
And let's another night pass
Without saying how he feels

Sometimes he breaks,
Tells her that she makes
His heart beat like a drum
And he feels her everywhere
A burning passion

She, blank-stared, only listens
But she wishes she could
Let the words escape her mouth
"You mean everything to me"

tonight i drowned out the silence with the sound of your voice
i watched your hands touch the darkness & turn it into light
i felt your eyes burn holes down the curve of my spine
i tasted years of sadness in the warmth of your mouth
i felt love move inside me when your skin touched mine
please love,
don't ever stop
making me,
*feel

Love is not for everyone
Love manifests itself in the darkest places,
in the dingy, cracked-tile linoleum
of strangely lit rooms with
flickering bulbs and glazed
eyes staring into the glass
but seeing nothing
on the other side.

Love is not for everyone
Love escapes from the grasps of those who
are the most desperate.
Trailing from their fingers like the
thick, spider-web smoke
of smoldering cigarettes
and the lazy twirl
of a steamy breath
on a winter day.

Love is not for everyone
Love flames and burns the world,
setting alight anything anyone
once told you about life.
Love consumes
and then spits hearts out like
a machine, fine tuned for
efficiency and not meaning.

Love is not for everyone
Love smiles with gleaming white teeth
that hide a black rot deep
under the shiny pearls of illusion.
Love brushes a hand over
people who least expect it, and
love leaks from eyes in
shimmery crystal rain drops.

Love is not for everyone
Love is made OV LiEs