‘Why do you long to see me?’
She asks like
she isn’t the most beautiful thing in the universe
‘You don’t mourn the day passing’
She tells me like
Thats the only reason I would come to see her
‘You dread the morning’
She states with pity like
She knows that I am missing my own life

I tell her,
‘I see your gentle light
And it helps to set my soul right.’
I tell her,
‘You look beyond what you see,
And try to help those who don’t think they deserve to be happy.’
I tell her,
‘There’s a softness I see here,
that no one else can see unless their heart is clear.’
I tell her,
‘I prefer your peace that cannot hide,
To all of those in the day that push forward their pride.’
I tell her,
‘The day does nothing but weather my body
And blinds me with everything so gaudy.’
I tell her,
‘Of course I dread the morning, because the sunlight brings shadow,
And you go to where I cannot follow.’

I see sadness in her whole being,
With a ‘why?’ She seems to be pleading
I give her a smile and tell her:
‘You’ve never left me,
Even as the shadows of my misgivings surround me,
You always stay soft and strong
Even as the universe’s cycle strings you along.
I have never seen anything more beautiful;
So I am proud to stay with you, always dutiful.

You paint flowering tattoos
over your regretted scars
As you appeal to repent
And you reject your last muse

I know you can hear it
Screaming not to go away
But there is another pull
That makes you a hypocrite

You drag your useless body
Toward a faux sun that doesn’t burn
Leading you into a trap
That no one would see clearly

Perhaps your blood won’t flow
But there is a brokenness there
Which acts as a barrier
To seal your soul far below

The marks on your body flare
Into a focused beacon
Drawing the wrong attention
And show your lively despair

Delicacies on your skin
Brought to you by the unknown
When you thought your strength was lost
so; take hold of power within

Yet still you cast them away
the safety of the shadows
Can’t begin to help you now
The muse is not bound to obey

So lift yourself together
As one can’t hope to exist
Separate from mind or body
And use your scars as your tether

Under a genuine star
You will find solace within
As your soul begins to blend
you will find out who you are

the only time
i have ever felt calm
is in the presence of pain.

it laps at my brain
and takes over my body
as i cannot feel anymore

there are times that i adore
the excuse to tuck myself away
as i am washed into a darkness

the world never sits on the same axis
when my soul tries to stitch itself back together
after it splits under too much pressure

i used to imagine that u could breathe under water
as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker
in the atmosphere that waited above me

all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree
but i knew my work would always lead
to my visits to my mind’s coroner

i allow my whole self to wander
finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind
only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop

i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops
and a quiet captures my mind
because it scares me, too

my calmness it different to you
i’ve seen this my whole life
as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see

but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body
for everyone else it was so separate
but i felt them as if they were alive inside me

migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free
my skull shattered as my body overheated
mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown

it was at these times that i would lay prone
pondered at the ceiling with thoughts
that were so irrational they became logical

there was were my self would dull
my soul turns inside out and i relish
in the nothingness that is sure to come

my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum
and i start the story all over again
and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.

hello, all
I'd like to make a call
to action.

some things have gone wrong
as I've drifted along
to here

and now I'm more alone
and my mine is trying to atone
for my father's sins.

I am beyond frustrated
even more cheated
on my mother's behalf.

she said to me
"more than one disappointment and promise me,
you will flee"

theres no other ploy
that will better destroy
your life."

I know this is the truth
even as I grasp the last of my youth
I've seen it.

I wish I could do more
but my mother has her own armor.
she will be okay.

so, always put yourself first
and don't be cursed
to just survive.

live.

I wish there was more to me
Than my body
Which does nothing more
Than consume the values
all physical, emotional, and soulful alike
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my failures
That are so overly abundant
Than my virtues
which have been swept under the rug by only myself
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my childish ambition
That have overwhelmed me more
Than I could ever foresee
So that I will never see clearly again
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my nonexistent future
That my mind keeps insisting I daydream about
Even more than the comfort of fiction
Which has given me asylum for so long
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than claims of intent
which manifest in the forms of wishes and changes
Even though I spend my time with unhealthy coping
I still think about the desirable change
I still need to make

its starting to really hurt this time
its not as cloudy as last time
but im not sure what to do
to stop myself
or if i even really want to

im in a cage of guilt and bones
and i really dont want anyone
to see past my pale pink illusion

ive not felt like a real person in such a long time
and i have already convinced myself
that it would come back
but the bones of the cage rattles
and dig into my skin

the tendrals of guilt and shame and lonliness
wont release my neck
but its not like i would be able to breath anyway

my soulless self will be gone soon
i hope to be released
from the hurt and the cage

i wish i didnt have feelings