We stood in the parking lot with our heads up in the sky.
She showed me where the Big Dipper was. I was thrilled.
I showed her where the Little Dipper was. She was skeptical.
We found Orion's Belt together and argued over whether or not we were seeing the right things.
I could have spent all night with her under those stars.
Each constellation watching us.
People gazing.

But the pain of being stuck there on earth started to overwhelm.
I wanted desperately to take her up into space to become our own little string of stars.
Put us together in a nice spot and wait for other lovers down on earth to gaze upon us.


s.mndi

She is the angry burn of alcohol.
The choking feeling when you've taken too many shots
in too little time.
She is the fire in your chest when brave little you took a hit bigger than the clouds in the Seattle sky.
She is the unmistakeable
unshakeable
fear
brought on by the bad acid trip.
The pinch,
poke,
& sting
of the needles in your arm.
She is the abused substances
and she is the abuse
that drove you to them.
She is twice as addictive
three times as dangerous
and there are no Twelve Steps
or support groups
or miraculous stories of survival.

You'll never be clean again.


*s.mndi

My heart is too big
it's weighing me down
The muscles in my face
only know how to form a frown
I thought life was going good, I thought I had it great
Now I'm sitting here alone with this drink
questioning my fate
I've got so much love to give
but no willing recipients
The loneliness is sinking in
and I wonder
what is it about me that makes them afraid to commit?
Maybe I'm a drunk and my lungs are full of ash
and I know I don't have much cash
but I swear to you I'll give you the world
if you just give me a chance.


s.mndi

The first cigarette in the morning is always the most
relaxing.
Sitting on the balcony.
The birds telling secrets from different trees.
Chirping different melodies.
I've got so many things going wrong for me but each drag makes another one feel a little less steep.
I wish that you were here with me
to watch the breeze sway the palm trees.
I'm losing my mind like they're losing their leaves.


s.mndi

It's my favorite time of night. We slip outside for a smoke and with each drag her face is illuminated in a fiery glow. The whole world is dark and all the light is right here. It's coming from her. Every star decided to leave the night sky to become something better. They became the sparks in her eyes. The crescent moon followed too and adjusted itself to fit in her glowing grin. Now every time she smiles at me I see the night sky.


s.mndi

You woke me up in the darkest hours of the morning, before the sun had even blinked those sleepy eyes twice, with a question that I'd been waiting for.

I'd thought about this question. I thought about how you would ask it. Where. When. Why. What I would say. What you would say back. But I never thought about it happening while I was still asleep.

I rolled over to see you. You saw me and said, "I have to ask you something."
I knew the question before it slipped through your alcohol flavored lips, and it still knocked the wind right out of me.

I wasn't prepared. Despite all the times I'd planned and reworded.
So I started to say, "Sometimes I think I do. But then.."

And you, so drunk and stubborn, you were not having it. You rolled over with a pout and proceeded to fake sleep.
And I rolled over behind you, put my lips to your ear, and I whispered it.

For the first time, I admitted it.
"I love you."


s.mndi

We met because I had to take my best friend to the clinic to get birth control because she told me she'd **** herself if she got pregnant. I believed her. It was a matter of life and death.

It only seemed right to take her to lunch after such an occasion. We needed to talk and we weren't done talking. Neither the bus rides nor the long walks were long enough.

My mom introduced us. When I looked up from the table to see that raving smile of yours for the first time, it happened. I changed. I had decided then that I had to have you and I got rid of all that I already had.

And now, 11 months post meeting you, I am still working on getting you again. And making that bright smile appear like the sun after the eclipse.

I got you, now I need you to stay.


s.mndi