life is beautiful.
i've seen the sun and i've witnessed the universe hugging me.
i've cried over the beauty of flowers and the sky,
and you.
i've deleted every sad song and the scars on my heart feel like they're slowing fading.
but there's still storms sometimes and i don't know why they hit me so hard like ocean waves crashing on the shore.
i lay in bed,
tears running on the sides of my face,
i say your name into my room that seems to be closing in on me.
there are days where there is no strength in my bones to even sit up.
there are days where i can't breathe from all the pain that rises in my soul.
my chest echoes with every sob that's about everything and everyone.
life is beautiful but there's days where i can't even run from the storms and i don't know why.

i just really really really want to talk to you
but
the words i want to say are not the ones you want to hear

i often humor myself
with the idea of us

the idea that
someone as stubborn as you
could love
someone as carefree as me

i know that it is silly
you aren’t the type
to shut off your brain
and follow your heart

but here i sit,
wondering
wondering
wondering

is the idea of us actually silly at all?

how tragic that i’ll never get to know

I want to hold your hand and never let go
I want to kiss and cuddle and talk
I want to make dinner with you even though I don’t know how to cook
I want to hold you in your worst and in your best
I want to dance through the night in your arms even though I’m scared to dance
I want you to kiss the back of my hands and catch the tears on my cheeks
I want all those late night talks and all the ‘I Love You’s
I want to argue with you about who hangs up first on the phone
I want to count the stars with you and form our own constellations

I want to know all of this
about us

There is no space for you in this regime
I had thought once and for all that I might truly be queen
but now I am forced to share my throne with a beast

now only the silence meets my screams
it sits me down for a meal that I must eat
my throne at the end of the table no longer my seat

the hand of night seldom brings
the rest and beauty of the now lost dream
my mind is only sieged in sleep

nothing I say will bring me peace
saving, no longer, can be decreed
not as long as you can speak

and as I weep
for your feet are those of a thief
yet you are not the one to flee
you have made your story one to believe

no, no, you are not welcome in this regime
there is only one crown and only one queen