I waited in silence.
Cold air whistled,
raised goosebumps on our arms.
Your eyes finally closed—
dark lashes flickered
as you exhaled.
I leaned down to your ear.
The sleeping bag rustled.
“I love you,”
even though you don’t love me.
You mumbled something back.
I didn’t hear.
I never asked what you said.
I just stared up at the tent.
You’d love me,
maybe,
if I wasn’t a girl.
And I’d tell you,
if you weren’t
the one person
I couldn’t afford to lose.

The bus stop is empty
again.
A gust of wind blows my hair across my eyes

"Quite cold out isn't it?"
I jump.

"Sorry, did I startle you?"

His eyes are blue.
No, one is brown.
He has heterochromia.

"No- um, I didn't see you,
Yeah, I suppose it is a bit cold"

He glances at my scrubs,
"Where are you headed this early?"

I give him a look.
“The hospital…”

He smirks.
"Isn't that your bus then."

A bus pulls out the stop
and speeds away
Wait-
"Oh shoot that is my bus!"

The stranger laughs,
his eyes crinkle at the sides.

"Well here’s my bus,
so I guess this is goodbye"

I sigh.
“Bye then.”
Pretty eyes.

Hate swirls deep within my gut.
Hands covered in blood.
Muffled shouts—
I can't decipher
over the raging whirlpool
that is my mind.
I wipe the blood away,
but it comes back.
I don’t know how to hide it.
Everyone is looking now—
a thousand sets of beady eyes,
loudly judging in silence.
Murderer.
Traitor.
I hear their screeching now.
My ears bleed.
Guilty, GUILTY!
NO - I swallow the glass shards
with an unearthly growl
It hurts so much so
I run, far away.
Deep into the woods.
My lungs burn red too.
black smoke emerges from my ribcage
A trail I must follow
A one-track mind
follows the one-track path.
I run and I run—
faster, more desperate.
Footsteps thunder behind me
Are they His or mine?
I can see it now:
salvation.
I walk
to the glittering door
in the sky
straight off the edge
of a cliff.

I see the white rabbit.
He tells me of a place
where life doesn’t exist.
It’s not death—
but a spiral.
An endless spiral.
I don’t want life.
Nor do I want death.
So I follow him—
down,
and down.
I leave everything behind.
But my everything is also nothing.
It is worthless.
Which is why it doesn’t matter
whether I leave it or not.
There are a thousand steps.
The further down I go,
the block in my head gets bigger,
the fog around me grows thicker.
There’s a man in a funny hat.
He hands me a small bottle.
It says: antidepressants.
How wonderful.
I take them all.
I choke as they slide down my throat.
The staircase looks more swirly.
Suddenly—
I trip.
I’m falling.
Down and down.
My head hits the ground.
The brick is more like a cloud now.
I’m floating.
The rabbit looks at me.
He laughs:
“We don’t have to do anything anymore.”
Good.
I don’t want to do anything.
I think I’ll stay here for a bit—
The world swims in front of me.
For a second,
I know everything.
I scream and laugh.
What is joy?

The emotion of great delight.

He laughs—
silence.

We think we have so much of it.
So, day by day,
we wait.
We wander aimlessly.
We unconsciously waste.

We live quiet,
muted little lives,
always looking forward—
but never far enough
to see what could be.

But we have two lives.
The second—
it begins
the moment we realise
we only get one.

So, carpe diem.

Because the graveyards
are full of tormented souls
who thought
they had more time.