You love me
But you go to her

You need me
But not that much

Can’t take anymore
But I can’t leave

What the hell am I here again for?

What are you doing on Christmas Day?

Oh, having a quiet one at home. My family lives too far away and it’s nice to be alone.

Oh not me, I love a fuss! The more the merrier, I say. It’s really a must to be surrounded by love on a happy Christmas Day.

Suppose you could see, if you’d grown up like me, you’d better understand. My family gatherings were more like a slathering of trauma and animosity.

Maybe one day it won’t be this way, I look forward to some change. I’m hopeful to break the generational hate that’s been deadlocked age after age.

But until then, I can only depend on the peaceful tradition I’ve made. Eating mince pies by the flickering light of my mobile phone screen.

Tomorrow I’ll start my diet again.
I say disgustedly to a friend.
No point today, I already wobbled.
The chocolates were asking to be gobbled.
What’s one more day of aching knees?
Hey hon, could you pass the cheese?
Why do they make these clothes so small?
No room to move in this dressing stall!
I’m too tired now to exercise - plus
It worsens the chaffing of my thighs.
Yes, please! To extra whipping cream.
We can add panels and take out the seams.
I deserve a splurge and to treat myself!!
One more nibble for my mental health?
Is it just me, or does my belly look round?
Stripes should face up not lying down .
These jeans must have shrunk in the dryer?
Tilt the camera angel down. Hold it higher!
Airplane seats keep getting smaller.
Why wasn’t I born just a little bit  taller?
Hey babe, would you grab  me a beer?
I’ll start my diet again in the New Year.
There won’t be any excuses then.

I'm old
not cranky-
don't unfairly
judge me.

I'm old
too you'll be
arthritis and lumbago
naturally.

I'm old
walk clumsily
but still
maintain my mental capacity.

I'm old
Mount Everest I can't ascent
can still walk in the hill
easily descend.

I'm old
medications have too many
my medical bills are mounting
but my doctors are happy.

I'm old
still can dance and sing
though I realise
gone are my days of spring.

I'm old
part of me is still green
despite my warts and balding
to continue well-living count me in!

You wanted me to stay
I ran.  I pushed away.
(That’s how you’ll remember.)
To shift the blame
And ease the pain
That’s all you’re gonna say?  

I chose me
but you chose you.
The us of us no longer grew.
Threw years away
waiting for you.
(That’s how I’ll remember.)

You were afraid.
I held on too tight.
And knew too late.
How short my sight!
I am not your person.  

3 am! A restless groan,
Lays brick by brick
Surrounds heart of stone
I think I choose to be alone.
I’ll never love again…
Not ever.

Not part of your heart,
I’m not your muse.
Just things you said.
Just words you used.

And years from now
Dreams not well played out
No one will remember.

Sit bones ache on the dampened ground
A nest in the thicket where I’m sat down
Untended grass blocks my silhouette
Spring whispers freshly across my dress.
Sun raising blush to speckled skin
Imagining the heat of your breath again
Magpies scouring for succulent feast  
Reasons and trials threaten our peace   
The valleys and hills
The joys and the thrills
I’ll go back tomorrow to be with you
If only in a daydream

If I had meant that much to you
You’d have made a way to see it through
A plan to try and keep me yours
But that subject… still a little sore
So, I’ll venture out and close that door
Because I was living long before
And now I’m free to live some more
                      Just without you