I think I am
Going to **** myself.
Maybe not today,
Or next week,
Or even next year.
But I can feel it,
I will end my life on my own terms.

A marvel millions of years in the making.
Where the womb of Earth chaotically meets the surface.
Under a clear blue sky, an expanse of bliss -
But beneath gray rolling clouds, an endless enigma.
The easiest world to get lost in
is one where everything can be found.

One can only build a sand castle where the sand is wet.
But where the sand is wet, the tide comes.
Will it gently lick at your foundations until you give in?
Or will a sudden wave send you crashing down in the blink of an eye?
Either way the outcome is the same.
Yet we still build sand castles.

I stand where the foam wraps around my ankles.
Where my toes squish into the sand.
The salty air is therapeutic.
The breeze is gentle, yet powerful.
I sink my toes into the ultimate boundary line, tempted by the foamy tendrils.
Turn back, and I abandon my peace to erode at the shore.
Drift forward, and I return to Earth forevermore.

The tendrils of my hair illuminate beneath the amber glow.
Bathing.
In the distance, a blue-green light flickers.
A lone figure crosses its path– a silhouette obstructing the eerie glow.
My heart pounds. The silhouette grows. Closer Closer
I open my umbrella, casting a shadow to shield me from visibility.
But I am too late.
He steps into the streetlight. I gasp and drop my umbrella.
The light flickers. My heart pounds. He raises his arm.

Time stops.

The only indication of movement is the amber light flickering against his outstretched
arm.
The flickering light is in rhythm with the pounding of my heart.
Teasing me for succumbing to this forbidden emotion.
Have you ever heard of a ghost feeling warmth before?
Giving up on understanding, I laugh.
Understanding is overrated.
I touch his hand. The flickering stops.
Ghosts are blue-green. My heart is amber.

It happened in the dead of night while I was slicing bread for a guilty snack.
My attention was caught by the scuttering of a raccoon outside my window.
That was, I believe, the first time I noticed my strange tendencies as an unusual
human.
I gave the raccoon a piece of bread, my subconscious well aware of the consequences.
Well aware that a raccoon that is fed will always come back for more.
The enticing beauty of my cutting knife was the symptom.
The bread, my hungry curiosity.
The raccoon, an urge.

The moon increments its phase and reflects that much more light off of my cutting
knife.
The very same light that glistens in the eyes of my raccoon friend.
I slice the bread, fresh and soft. The raccoon becomes excited.
or perhaps I'm merely projecting my emotions onto the newly-satisfied animal.

The raccoon has taken to following me.
You could say that we've gotten quite used to each other.
The raccoon becomes hungry more and more frequently, so my bread is always handy.
Every time I brandish my cutting knife the raccoon shows me its excitement.
A rush of blood. Classic Pavlovian conditioning. I slice the bread.
And I feed myself again.

The tendrils of my hair illuminate beneath the amber glow.
Bathing.
It must be this one.
The last remaining streetlight to have withstood the test of time.
The last yet to be replaced by the sickening blue-green of the future.
I bathe. Calm; breathing air of the present but living in the past.
The light flickers.
I flicker back.

Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of
Get.
Out.
Of.
My.
Head.


Get out of my head before I do what I know is best for you.
Get out of my head before I listen to everything she said to me.
Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you.
Get out of my head before I finish writing this poem.



But a poem is never actually finished.
It just stops moving.

I pop off my scalp like the lid of a cookie jar.
It's the secret place where I keep all my dreams.
Little ***** of sunshine, all rubbing together like a bundle of kittens
I reach inside with my thumb and forefinger and pluck one out.
It's warm and tingly.
But there's no time to waste! I put it in a bottle to keep it safe.
And I put the bottle on the shelf with all of the other bottles.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row.

My collection makes me lots of friends.
Each bottle a starlight to make amends.
Sometimes my friend feels a certain way.
Down comes a bottle to save the day.

Night after night, more dreams.
Friend after friend, more bottles.
Deeper and deeper my fingers go.
Like exploring a dark cave, discovering the secrets hiding in the nooks and crannies.
Digging and digging.
Scraping and scraping.

I blow dust off my bottle caps.
It doesn't feel like time elapsed.
My empty shelf could use some more.
My friends look through my locked front door.

Finally, all done. I open up, and in come my friends.
In they come, in such a hurry. Do they want my bottles that much?
I frantically pull them from the shelf, one after the other.
Holding them out to each and every friend.
Each and every bottle.
But every time I let one go, it shatters against the tile between my feet.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor.

They were supposed to be for my friends, my friends who aren't smiling.
They're all shouting, pleading. Something.
But all I hear is echo, echo, echo, echo, echo
Inside my head.

I don't know how else to bring this up. But there's been something I've been worried about. Yuri has been acting kind of strange lately. You've only been here a few days, so you may not know what I mean. But she's not normally like this. She's always been quiet and polite and attentive...things like that.

Okay... This is really embarrassing, but I'm forcing myself to **** it up. The truth is, I'm REALLY worried about her. But if I try talking to her, she'll just get mad at me again. I don't know what to do. I think you're the only person that she'll listen to. I don't know why. But please try to do something. Maybe you can convince her to talk to a therapist.

I've always wanted to try being better friends with Yuri, and it really hurts me to see this happening. I know I'm going to hate myself later for admitting that, but right now I don't care. I just feel so helpless. So please see if you can do something to help. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I'll make you cupcakes if I have to. Just please try to do something. As for Monika... I don't know why, but she's been really dismissive about this. It's like she just wants us to ignore it. So I'm mad at her right now, and that's why I'm coming to you about this. DON'T LET HER KNOW I WROTE THIS!!!! Just pretend like I gave you a really good poem, okay? I'm counting on you. Thanks for reading

I wish everyone would stop bugging me.
I wish everyone would stop blaming me.
I wish everyone would stop hurting me.
I wish everyone would stop breaking me.
I wish everyone would stop yelling at me.
I wish everyone would stop pushing me.
I wish everyone would stop hating me.

I WISH EVERYONE WOULD JUST STOP IT!!!!

I can feel the tenderness of her skin through the knife, as if it were an extension of my sense of touch. My body nearly convulses. There's something incredibly faint, deep down, that screams to resist this uncontrollable pleasure. But I can already tell that I'm being pushed over the edge. I can't...I can't stop myself.

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Your mind is so full of troubles and fears
That diminished your wonder over the years
But today I have a special place
A beach for us to go.

A shore reaching beyond your sight
A sea that sparkles with brilliant light
The walls in your mind will melt away
Before the sunny glow.

I'll be the beach that washes your worries away
I'll be the beach that you daydream about each day
I'll be the beach that makes your heart leap
In a way you thought had left you long ago.

Let's bury your heavy thoughts in a pile of sand
Bathe in sunbeams and hold my hand
Wash your insecurities in the salty sea
And let me see you shine.

Let's leave your memories in a footprint trail
Set you free in my windy sail
And remember the reasons you're wonderful
When you press your lips to mine.

I'll be the beach that washes your worries away
I'll be the beach that you daydream about each day
I'll be the beach that makes your heart leap
In a way you thought had left you long ago.

But if you let me by your side
Your own beach, your own escape
You'll learn to love yourself again.

It's sad
Knowing that
I love others
More than
I love myself.
I hate to see others
In pain.
But when it comes to me,
"I'M FINE!"

My heart is locked
With so much pain.
Clear tear drops
Fall from my face.
Every tear drop
Leaves a puddle
With a memory
That's hiding from space.
Stocked away
Behind my soul.
Shattered to pieces
With no where to go.
Locked away
To never get out.
To see the good side
Of my broken heart.

She was beautiful, but not like those girls
In the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she
Thought.  She was beautiful for that sparkle in her eyes
When she talked about something she loved.
She was beautiful for her ability to make other
People smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn't
Beautiful for something as temporary as her looks.
She was beautiful, deep down to her soul.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I just want to pull
Your skin open and crawl inside of you.

Tomorrow will be brighter with me around
But when today is dim, I can only look down.
My looking is a little more forward
Because you look at me.

When I want to say something, I say it with a shout!
But my truest feelings can never come out.
My words are a little less empty
Because you listen to me.

When something is above me, I reach for the stars.
But when I feel small, I don't get very far.
My standing is a little bit taller
Because you sit with me.

I believe in myself with all of my heart.
But what do I do when it's torn all apart?
My faith is a little bit stronger
Because you trusted me.

My pen always puts my feelings to the test.
I'm not a good writer, but my best is my best.

My poems are a little bit dearer
Because you think of me.

Because you, because you, because you.

You know what I heard about Amy?
Amy likes spiders.
Icky, wriggly, hairy, ugly spiders!
That's why I'm not friends with her.
Amy has a cute singing voice.
I heard her singing my favorite love song.
Every time she sang the chorus, my heart would pound to the rhythm of the words.
But she likes spiders.
That's why I'm not friends with her.
One time, I hurt my leg really bad.
Amy helped me up and took me to the nurse.
I tried not to let her touch me.
She likes spiders, so her hands are probably gross.
That's why I'm not friends with her.
Amy has a lot of friends.
I always see her talking to people.
She probably talks about spiders.
What if her friends start to like spiders too?
That's why I'm not friends with her.
It doesn't matter if she has other hobbies.
It doesn't matter if she keeps it private.
It doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt anyone.
It's gross.
She's gross.
The world is better off without spider lovers.
And I'm gonna tell everyone.

Monkeys can climb
Crickets can leap
Horses can race
Owls can seek
Cheetahs can run
Eagles can fly
People can try
But that's about it

Pen in hand, I find my strength.
The courage endowed upon me by my one and only love.
Together, let us dismantle this crumbling world
And write a novel of our own fantasies.

With a flick of her pen, the lost finds her way.
In a world of infinite choices, behold this special day.

After all,
Not all good times must come to an end

The colors, they won't
Bright, bea t ful c l rs
Flash ng, exp nd ng, piercing
Red, green, blue
An ndless
CACOPHONY
Of meaningless
noise

The noise, it won't STOP.
Viol nt, grating w vef rms
Sq e king, screech ng, piercing
SINE, COSINE, TANGENT
Like play ng a ch lkboard on a t rntable
Like playing a KNIFE on a BREATHING RIBCAGE
n ndl ss
p m
Of m n ngl ss

Delete Her

But he wasn't looking at me.
Confused, I frantically glance at my surroundings.
But my burned eyes can no longer see color.
Are there others in this room? Are they talking?
Or are they simply poems on flat sheets of paper,
The sound of frantic scrawling playing tricks on my ears?
The room begins to crinkle.
Closing in on me.
The air I breathe dissipate before it reaches my lungs.
I panic. There must be a way out.
It's right there. He's right there.

Swallowing my fears, I brandish my pen.

An old tale tells of a lady who wanders Earth.
The Lady who Knows Everything.
A beautiful lady who has found every answer,
All meaning,
All purpose,
And all that was ever sought.

And here I am,

a feather

Lost adrift the sky, victim of the currents of the wind.

Day after day, I search.
I search with little hope, knowing legends don't exist.
But when all else has failed me,
When all others have turned away,
The legend is all that remains – the last dim star glimmering in the twilit sky.

Until one day, the wind ceases to blow.
I fall.
And I fall and fall, and fall even more.
Gentle as a feather.
A dry quill, expressionless.

But a hand catches me, between the thumb and forefinger.
The hand of a beautiful lady.
I look at her eyes and find no end to her gaze.

The Lady who Knows Everything knows what I am thinking.
Before I can speak, she responds in a hollow voice.
"I have found every answer, all of which amount to nothing.
There is no meaning.
There is no purpose.
And we seek only the impossible.
I am not your legend.
Your legend does not exist."

And with a breath, she blows me back afloat, and I pick up a gust of wind.

The colors, they won't stop.
Bright, beautiful colors
Flashing, expanding, piercing
Red, green, blue
An endless
cacophony
Of meaningless
noise

The noise, it won't stop.
Violent, grating waveforms
Squeaking, screeching, piercing
Sine, cosine, tangent
Like playing a chalkboard on a turntable
Like playing a vinyl on a pizza crust
An endless
poem
Of meaningless

Load Me

It couldn't have been me.
See, the direction the spackle protrudes.
A noisy neighbor? An angry boyfriend? I'll never know. I wasn't home.
I peer inside for a clue.
No! I can't see. I reel, blind, like a film left out in the sun.
But it's too late. My retinas.
Already scorched with a permanent copy of the meaningless image.
It's just a little hole. It wasn't too bright.
It was too deep.
Stretching forever into everything.
A hole of infinite choices.
I realize now, that I wasn't looking in.
I was looking out.
And he, on the other side, was looking in.

My loved ones went away,
Only strangers came to stay.

This is not a dream,
But a nightmare,
That became reality.
Those I held so dearly,
Were taken away from me.

Those little things, I took for granted.
Those precious moments, way back then,
Are all I have to cling to.
They never seemed important then.

The dreams, we dreamed together,
Are like footprints in the sand.
The winds of change, has swept them away.
Leaving not a trace to be found.

I'm living now in silence,
With only echos from the past.
Voices in the distance,
From a heaven thats so far.

Yes, my dreams turned into my nightmares.
The hands of time are still.
Although memories will never fade.
And I know they never will.

Cheery and bright,
She's just so neat.
You won't even notice
the darker qualities that lurk within.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My heart is full
Of love for you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your blood is red,
So mine is too.

I'll be lost inside my head.
Bad thoughts till 4 A.M.
Then i'll try to sleep.
And I can't tell anyone
I'm so scared they'll get up and run
So I don't speak.
And oh, I miss when we were younger,
The days were so much funner.
Weren't they?
Oh, I book a new appointment...
It's another disappointment....
They're all the same same same...
When the doctor says i'm fine,
One at morning one at night,
These pills will help you remember how to smile.
But what does he know..?
Cuz I feel so alone.....
And my mom and dad both tell me "You're alright"
"Cause the doctor said you're fine."
My own mind can't lie to me.
They all say it's anxiety...
But I just think it's me.
Now iv'e lost so many years...
My pillow's a tissue for my tears....
But you never see...
And now, I can't even eat my dinner....
Mom says i'm getting thinner...
Am I?
Oh, I book a new appointment....
Yet another disappointment...
They're all the same same same.....
When the doctor says i'm fine,
One at morning, one at night,
These pills will help you remember how to smile....
But what does he know...?
Cuz I feel so alone....
And my mom and dad both tell me "You're alright...cuz the doctor said you're fine.."
But he don't care about me.....
He'll just go home to his family...
Why can no one see
I'm not the girl that I wish I could be....
Cuz the doctor said i'm fine,
One at morning, one at night,
These pills will help you remember how to smile....
But what does he know...?
Cuz I feel so alone...
And my mom and dad both tell me i'm alright....
Cuz the doctor said i'm fine.

How can there be so much pain in a place where
There is so much joy?
A loving relationship is the most awesome  thing in the world.
This is why it also holds the
Potential for so much sadness.

I held my breath and choked
When you walked into my life
You seemed so out of place
With your intoxicating grace
I only knew you courtesy
The corner of my eye
Now you're right in front of me
Read my poetry

Your sending subtle signals
That i'm failing to decode
Your smile makes my stomach ache
It's more than I can take
Oh, Monika you're making
All my defences erode
You've got a face like paradise
You make my blood run cold as ice

You're like a virus
Slowly infecting me
Pretty poison rushing
Through my heart
You're just a virus
I can't delete
I was falling for you
Now i'm falling apart

Everybody that I thought
I used to know
Changed overnight
And now they're getting into fights

Reality is broken
Scattered pieces on the floor
This isn't just a game
Any more

You're just a virus
Slowly infecting me
Pretty poison rushing
Through my heart
And you're just a virus
I can't delete
I was falling for you
Now i'm falling apart
And it was all over
From the moment I pressed START

Is this really what you think
It means to be in love?
I don't understand why you're
The one i'm dreaming of
You tampered with my feelings
You hacked into my brain
You've broken every rule
And only you remain

You're like a virus
Slowly infecting me
Pretty poison rushing
Through my heart
And you're just a virus
I can't delete
I was falling for you
Now i'm falling apart

And you're like a virus
Uncontrolled
A dangerous and deadly
Work of art
And you're just a virus
In my soul
I was falling for you
Now i'm falling apart
And it was all over
From the moment I pressed START.

Sayori: Hey, hey, my heart's beating when i'm hanging out with you!
Why does my heart break when I hear you feel the same way too? (heh heh)

Natsuki: Just like a sundae, it's sweet every time I teach you something new. Is this by chance, or fate whenever it's just me and you? (Don't get the wrong idea!!!)

Yuri: when we touch, it'll never be enough...

Sayori: Is it way too much? If you had to choose just one of us?

Natsuki: Tell me, tell me please! Is this what I think or is it just me?  Don't wake me up from this sweet little dream, where we'll be together forever, we're never gonna be apart!

Sayori: Will it be okay, if I express my love for you this way? No matter what you do or what you say, we'll be together forever, we're never gonna be apart!

Monika: We're never gonna be apart....

Yuri: Hey, hey, when i'm next to you I don't know what to do.... Why does it feel so great when our eyes meet out of the blue?  (I...I'm sorry! I said too much!!)

Sayori: I really love....

Monika: The way you write even when you don't have a clue. I want to hear you say, this love that I am feeling is true!

Natsuki: Tasty love, something I want more of,

Yuri: Will it make the cut, if you had to choose just one of us?

Monika: Shall I leave you be? Is it love if I can't set you free? But even if it's not reality, let's be together forever, we're never gonna be apart!

Yuri: How can I convey, my love for you before it flies away? I think about it all day, every day!

Monika: We'll be together forever, we're never gonna be apart!

Monika: One by one they only fall apart, can it be undone? Why can't I just be the one for once?!

Sayori: We'll be together forever, we're never gonna be apart!

Monika: Maybe we'll never be together, but forever you'll be in my heart.....

Sayori: I'm so glad you're joining the literature club!

MC: Hey, I never agreed to join.

Monika: Oh, wow Sayori! Who's your friend?

Sayori: He's our club's newest member!

MC: thats...not set in stone....

Sayori: This is Monika! Yuri! And Natsuki! And you already know
me!

Monika: Welcome to our meeting!

Yuri: Are you into reading?

Sayori: No need for being coy!

Monika: We'll improve your uptake!

Natsuki: Have a friggin' cupcake! And must you bring a BOY?

Monika: Time to write some poems! Don't be scared to show em! The festival's days away!

Natsuki: You could help with baking!

Yuri: Or with banner making!

Sayori: And i'll walk home alone today....

Sayori: Maybe we're friends... maybe we're more! How could he love a simple girl next door? I'm just, not the type he's looking for!

Monika: Hey, Sayori you doing okay?

Sayori: I'm having a difficult day....

Monika: I'd say, you seem... pretty lonely!

MC: I wish I could make her grin... all she wants are things back the way they've been!

Monika: She's depressed and stressed and she's feeling blue, so I don't want Sayori, HANGING around you!

others: Just Monika! Just Monika! Just Monika! Just Just Monika!

Monika: I'm so glad you're joining the literature club!

MC: wait, what happened to Sayori?

Natsuki: Who?

Yuri: There's.... No one here named that......

Natsuki: Manga is my passion! Don't you dare be bashing! The writing's got finesse! Maybe you should borrow, these until tomorrow! WERE YOU LOOKING UP MY DRESS!?!

Yuri: Let's go read a story!

MC: What about Sayori?

Monika: Let's talk about me instead! I've been learning piano! And I sing soprano! And I can't get you out of my head...!

Yuri: Can't look away... Can't help but blush... Where did I get this overwhelming crush? It's sharp as a knife and twice the rush!

Natsuki: Yo! There's something I think you should know... Iv'e never seen Yuri so...

Yuri: SaNe AnD cHiIl AnD sTiIl KiNdA sWeAtY! And I don't mind CUTTING to the chase, i'm in love with you and your gorgeous face!

Monika: That's a sentiment I can't allow, so my dear friend Yuri, is getting the POINT now!

Natsuki: Just Monika! Juat Monika! Just Monika! Just just Monika!

Monika: Could you have guessed? Maybe you knew! Natsuki is next, i'm deleting her too! We don't need cupcakes or poems or tea, I only need you to love me....!

Monika: Wow, that's a lot of Crunchyroll you've been watching, you're really taking advantage of that free VRV trial...

MC: AH!

Monika: Hey, there's no one else in our way! So look at me and just say, right here, my dear, that you love me! And we'll, sit here to the end of time, cause i've earned this and you're finally mine! And i'm sorry what you've had to see, but it no longer matters, cause now you belong to me! Forever... Forever.... Forever.. Forever. Forever! Forever!! Forever!!! FoReVeR!!! FOREVER!!!!

Sayori: Well look what the cat dragged in!

MC: Sayori?! You're still in the literature club?

Sayori: Of course! I am the president after all!

Yuri: Wow Sayori, Who's your friend?

Sayori: He's our newest member of the literature club!

Natsuki: I'm GUESSING that's not set in stone....

MC: This time, I think it is.

Yuri: Hey! You should join us, I was just getting Natsuki here into my
favorite horror novel.

Natsuki: Hey! It...It's not like I like it or anything!

Sayori: So.... Are you walking home with anybody today?

MC: chuckles Just my friend Sayori.

Sayori: Just Sayori... JUst SAyori...JUSt SAYori..JUST SAYOri... JUST SAYORi JUST JUST SAYORI!!!!!!!

You broke my heart and made me cry.
You hurt me so much and I don't even know why.
I loved you more than I loved anyone else.
Now I have no idea how to get out of this mess.
Please come back to me and don't let go.
I promise to work harder this time and it will show.
I will do all it takes to make you happy and see your smile.
I will get you back, even if I have to go to exile.

It hurts the most
When the person
That made you feel wanted yesterday
Made you feel so unwanted today.

Sorry I am not perfect.
Sorry I cut.
Sorry I break my promises.
Sorry I want to give up.
Sorry I want to die.
Sorry I want to **** myself.
Sorry I hide my tears.
Sorry I lie and say I am fine.
Sorry I punish you with my emotions.

I love lots of things.
I love the literature club.
I love reading.
I love manga.
And i love you!
I love reading together.
I love making cupcakes with you.
The way Monika looks at you breaks my heart.
It makes me feel alone.
It makes me want you more.
It makes me miss you more.
Yuri takes you away.
But it was our time to play.
Play with me.
Play with me.
Play with me.
Play with me.
Play with me.
Play with me.
Play with me.
Play with me.
PLAY WITH ME!!!
******* Monikammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The way you glow through my blinds in the morning
Makes me feel like you missed me.
Kissing my forehead to help me out of bed
Making me rub the sleepy from my eyes.

Are you asking me to come out and play?
Are you trusting me to wish away a rainy day?
I look above. The sky is blue.
It's a secret, but I trust you too.

If it wasn't for you, I could sleep forever.
But i'm not mad.

I want breakfast.

I have a deep hole
Inside of my heart
Where your love should be.
I need you to feel
So this wound can heal.
This emptiness is killing me.

When i'm sad
I don't want someone to tell me
About how "It gets better"
And that I need to "Move on"
I need someone to tell me
That it's ok to be sad
And that my feelings are validated
I don't need someone to tell me
About how much happier I could be.
I need someone to hold me
And tell me that i've been strong.
And that it's okay,
To be not okay.

Someday you'll cry for me
Like i cried for you.
Someday you'll miss me
Like i missed you.
Someday you'll need me
Like i needed you.
Someday you'll love me
But i won't love you.

I'm falling
Slowly
Falling
Into a deep black space
Nothing there
No one cares
That i'm
Falling
Dying
Inside
I smile
It pains me
I can't speak
I can't
It hurts
So silent's
My last resort.

You are the air that I breathe.
You are my blanket when i'm cold.
You are the shield that protects me
And i've given everything for you.
But one day you left me.
Now i'm without a clue.
It hurts me so much that it kills me slowly.

I want to scream
I want to cry,
And I hate to admit it,
But I want to die.
I  want to stop this constant hurt
To stop the voices in my head
To never again get out of bed
To stop cutting up my skin
Like it's paper
The blade is a pen
But I am an artist
And I can't quit
Every cut a step closer
To finishing my artwork
And once I finish
The lines soon fade
Till little white lines
Are all that remain
And if I make a mistake
I cut and cut
Till blood covers up
Anything that I made
And then i'll start over
Onto a clean slate
And when the lines heal
I'll trace them sometimes
Remembering the story
That lays behind each line.

I need to be alone.
Alone enough to think,
Alone enough to wonder,
About things that are not meant for me.

I come off as strong,
But maybe i fall asleep crying.

I act like nothing is wrong,
But maybe i'm just really good at lying.

I suppose
I love my scars
Because
They have
Been with me
Longer than
Most people
Have.

You said that you loved me.
You said that you cared.
But once you were gone,
I was so very scared.

My breathing is shallow
The air is too thin.
The demons are screaming
I think they might win.

My vision is blurry
My heart rate is slow.
No therapy can help me,
I think i'm letting go.