Please be strong; Please be brave,
You never told me
You wouldn't stay.

Why get invested
When it all disappears,
Why even stay?
What's the point to being here?

I am strong,
I am brave.
No one said
I had to stay,

But I will stay,
Because staying
Was my intention
All this time.

I will not leave,
That type of life
Just doesn't suit me.

I know at times,
I'm one for strife,
But I'm going to be here
With you, for life.

8/11/2016

i want something electric, so vivid and blinding that it leaves an imprint in my vision like walking into a dark room after being in the sun
i want passion so rare it leaves me foraging for whatever's left of me by the time you're gone
i want to speed down the coastline [evolved yet unchanged]
i don't know how to unglue myself from what you are
maybe i'll keep giving into the callousness in my heart that's been growing like a cancer since the first betrayal
you've used those lines before
they're carved in me with lingering pains that things are an illusion and i'm here to boost your ego
i've played this game long enough to know who the bad guys are
but what if i'm the bad guy for escaping something stable and unwavering
for a toxic replacement
[albeit you're pretty easy on the eyes]
teeter-tottering between saying something and actually doing it
my soul on a string like a tether ball where the players are you versus everyone else
and you say one thing
one tiny, insincere affirmation
my mind goes around the pole in circles until it's completely wrapped around the edges the way you have me singled around your rough fingers
creating knots out of my insides
yet all of your red flags fly violently
so i swing the other direction
loosening at the peak before you come back around and hold me like a child again
a vicious cycle
dangling a dangerous scenario in front of me like an animal eyeing food until it's clawing at your leg to rip it from your hands with their bare teeth
even in my fair share of evenings i was better off not having, you're miles ahead
pretending to be big kids an adult's world
and my mind goes miles a minute at the thoughts
you're not helping slow it down
you are no more an animal than i

5/23/17

she taught me of new beginnings
and the healing of january
that you don't have to be profound
all the time
you don't have to be observed
you can change the storyline
but still remember that time

together we drank in nashville
to the days of virginia
swearing to return to art
when we got there
our lives were in full circle
she still believed in me
she is the closest thing
to an older sister i know
and maybe i am strong enough to say
that i don't love the person
that she let go of too

it's nothing more than a photograph
with no context
no background
no story
no meaning
but still i can't stand to see your face
beside her
framed by her long hair
you look happy
it's painfully obvious
it's black and white

i feel demolished
you opened me up
and felt my insides
vulnerability spilling out like spaghetti
the quiet of the blade
you didn't sew me up correctly
if you patched me hardly at all

and what for?
years to kiss the pain away
and you dig it all from it's grave
you hand it to me
the backstabbing, numbing sensation
beating alive and well

i wish these walls were barren
so i could scream and scratch out the plaster
the white wash of concrete
spying on us making love
give it something else to look at

you can find me
ripping out strands of my hair
at 11:58 at night

i wanted to know you
not what you were doing
not your latest idea
not your next big project
not how much you would make
not your next inspiration
not the motivation
not the gear you use
or who you're meeting
what brand you're promoting
who you captured in motion

i wanted to know
what draws you to your rooftop
late at night
why you conceal so much
about what you feel
why you can't sit still
and can't slow down
why you show up
but mostly why you never do
what time you brush your teeth at
what makes the hair on your neck stand up
where you'd like to be touched
what makes you feel good
what your favorite food is
if you prefer a sunset or sunrise
how you got to be so close to your parents
why you were afraid to sing
or admit you go both ways too

all of these things and more i do not know
and once wanted to know
but now will sift in the waves of my head
now ceasing the endless search for answers
i am tying down the mast
and giving up the hunt for new territory
in your head
things i wish i'd asked before i let you drift away
things that no longer matter to me
even if you took the time to explain them

all i wanted was to know your humanity
to trace the contours of your personality
with my finger
until i knew each inch by heart
but you don't let people in
for fear of rejection
but by not letting me in
i fear i have no choice but to reject you
again,
it's not what i'd like
it's more heartbreaking to stare at a door
that you're afraid to open
and i regret not seeking to break it down with an axe
all those years lightly tapped the outside
and you couldn't hear me
i never tried hard enough to know you
but you don't try hard enough to be known