I read through our old conversations
some full of love
the morning I tried to make shine for you
you'd wake up and ask me to hold you
I'd say cuddles you
and somehow that was good enough
for you to feel warm
you'd call me crying
when your shoulder ached
I'd calm you
give you love
and you'd be better
it was too easy
too good to be true
late nights you'd text me
asking if I was up
you had a nightmare
and you just want to hold me
I'd just text holds you tight
and almost like magic
you fell back asleep
as if nothing had happened
there were conversations of days
before and days after
your best memories

I read through our old conversations
these were you telling me
how you had never loved me
nor you ever could
I'd say nothing
and everything
in the same lines of empty texts
I'd still sit and hear you tell me
how I wasn't what you had wanted
or when you'd blame me
for being so far away
and leave me to cry in the night
or the texts from when
I called you late night
I'd wanted to say I love you
but you screamed at me
for waking you up too late
you silenced the same special notifications
from calling out your name
there were conversations
where I'd beg you to stay
but you'd leave mid-convo
and disappear
blue ticks turned gray
double ticks turned single

I read through our new conversations
and they aren't on whatsapp
they are right here
in the poetry we write

its me talking about the havoc
that you caused
or you talking about the texts
which you could never send me

its me telling you "I hate you"
when I have nothing to prove that
or you talking of our old memories
the ones that stretch from summer to winter
from spring to autumn

its me filling your whatsapp inbox
so you'd maybe speak your heart
or you adding my name to your contacts

its me trying not to say "I love you"
because I'm more afraid of love
for what it did to me
for what you did to me
or you trying to remind yourself
of what love looked like
when you had it

its me trying to deny love
when I am filled with it
or you trying to hide your heart
behind your mind

you don't want to love me
you just want to use me
for pleasure
for fun
not to stay longer than
a few months
just another summer fling
with someone familiar
someone who won't poison your mind
someone to ease your soul
you don't want me
to wife you
just someone for another
sunday morning brunch
and friday night ****

darling (I mean *****)
I am not someone
to fill your empty heart
and empty mine
just for the "fun" of it
I don't want to lose
more than the everything
that I've already lost
to you & your lies
to your needs & wants
to your wishes & dreams
I gave myself to you
and you took that away
I can't let you take the nothing
that's left behind

you're afraid
to knock at my door
and I'm afraid
to open it