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I watched the
sunrise this morning.
The way the sky had
started out black and then
slowly began to turn light
with each new pastel color;
until the blazing sun finally
set fire to the horizon
and filled the whole sky.
It reminded me of
what happens
to my heart
every time
I'm around you.
It starts out dark.
But then you come
along and suddenly
it's filled with light.
And even the jet planes
that left their trails
across the sky
were colored bright orange.
Just like my scars,
they too,
were covered with light.
I've never forgiven anyone
that has hurt you.


Including myself.
Once upon a time
I took the heart out of my chest.
I put it in a wooden box
Where it would lay to rest.
I buried down in the earth,
as far as I could dig.
X didn't even mark the spot
so I could always keep it hid.
It wasn't really strangers
who I didn't want to find.
I was more worried about myself
and the pictures in my mind.

I have been walking in this world
for a million years it seems.
Not filled with blood, or love, or trust,
or a heart that used to beat.
I spend most of my time crying,
tsunami waves of tears.
I gladly walk into the ocean,
because I have nothing to fear.
And even as the years passed,
and I searched for my chest,
I couldn't remember where I'd placed it,
finally laying it to rest.

It can be quite frustrating,
if I think I may come to love.
But I quietly remind myself
of all the things you'd done.
I wish to have my heart back,
before I'd known your name.
But instead it's good and buried,
and it's better off that way.
I fight the urge to slit my wrists every time I close my eyes.

Did you know that?

I'm so broken. No one wants me. I have good moments but oh my god I fantasize about bleeding to death on a cold night. Please god, I don't wan to fight this. I just want to die.
Every one has problems in their lives:
The broken family; the high school bullies;
the twisted neuron in the brain.
We all have things that happen to us;
maybe you dropped your keys as you walked out of the door, or your mom called to tell you she wasn't visiting this weekend..
No matter what it is;
life will bring you down.
Repeatedly.
It doesn't wait for you;
It doesn't say "oh, they're having a bad day, better be nice."
No.
If anything, it comes at you harder than before.
Who are all these lonely people?
You don't know their stories,
you don't know what they face when they get home.
But imagine they are exactly like you.
Hey, it's okay to go home feeling awful
and take twenty minutes to sit in the shower;
just lie down there for awhile and cry your eyes out.
No ones judging you there, you can be weak for awhile.
But after that...
                               Just let it go.
There is no reason to hold onto things that break you. It doesn't change anything anyway.
All you can do us wake up the next morning and decide to be happy; to disregard the negativity and be positive.
You are your own light, no one else can be it for you.
It's okay to be weak; but it is not okay to give in and let the bad things control your life.
You may be hurting, but I guarantee you will feel a lot better if you just
                                     *let it go.
You woke me with kisses.
And to bed,

with    
lies..
Sometimes,
my best friend
tries to tell me a joke
that
I
already
know the punch line to.
And instead of
saying the answer,
I ask what?
And let her tell me
and I laugh
just as hard
as the first time I heard it.
And that..
Well,
I think that is love.
Lydia, Lydia,
There are broken angels
beneath your skin.

Your face is stone,
and white as snow,
where the color should have been.

Your husband is by your side,
middle school passion left undead.
Your sister over your right shoulder,
smiling like the day you wed.

You don't hear Zach's talk of cereals,
but a tight smile shows on your face.
The greif streaked grime of tears and salt
rims your neck like wedding lace.

Tomorrow you will rise
and pour milk into your bowl.
Look across the table,
just to feel your crushing soul.

To not see the eyes
that were there for twenty years.
To share no more secrets,
or confide her sisterly fears.

You both spent your life devoted
to three hundred sixty-five words
of repiticious hope.
Only to wake up with the flipping of a page,
to find a car bent in ash and smoke.

This hollow eyed shell I saw in the store
clenched her teeth up tight,
to suffer along like the people of The Book,
and hold Faith to Father of Light.

You made me shed tears for you,
Madison,
because you made me come to see
I would never leave my little sister
By any of my own means.

I felt cheated for you,
so joyous in your Word.
To spread the light of God
to every part of Earth.

But now you are away,
taking flight,
still this young.
I go home with knotted throat,
and my eyes felling as if theyd been stung.

I've been thinking of you both,
Sisters,
by blood and faith.
I'm so sorry for your loss,
the unknowing,
all the rage.

I weep for you, dear Madison.
You lived only in a blink.
But I weep for you still more, Lydia.
And I pray that you won't sink.
A passing of the eldest sister in our home town this week, her sister having been a classmate. A devestation, to say the least.
Mama,
you hurt my heart.
Who are you?
You've gone away.

Mama,
I wanted to be just like you.
But not now.
Not these days.

Mama,
why are you drinking,
before my game,
before you work?

Mama,
why are you so selfish,
making everybody hurt.
I don't even know you these days.
You're not the same
with the games you play.

Mama,
I wanted to be strong like you.
But for now...

I'm just through.
You don't have to tell me
                 I'm not good enough.

I already know.
Today I am so high,
I swear I can touch the sky,
So close to Heaven,
I want to die.
So close to God,
I see the light.
I'm not who you think I am,
just trying to escape.
But still trying to keep my eye on you,
so everything is fake.
"I've come here as a man in shambles—worn out from begging on my knees.
Please, I'm just trying to keep my family together.
Now, when you saw you're lover wore a ring around her finger, why didn't you stop?

I have half a mind to make you hurt, to make you bleed, to make you suffer.
I swear, if you've touched her—, oh, heaven,
Forgive what I would do to you, you monster.
And think about your children?
They'll never believe what you've done.

Listen, I'm begging you, back off.
Let me rebuild all the things that you shattered.

She meant it, I swear that she meant it, she whispered so often,
'Husband, I'll always be here with you.'

But always is always and always is valueless.
I wish I'd never heard her speak a word.

And I hope you see us—;
your wife, and your children, and I,
Buried in the wreckage of your crime,
While you're laying down your sins,
Softly leaning in to kiss your guilt goodnight.

She is mine. You stole her, somehow tricked her but we'll survive. We will. She loves me dearly—, you'll see. You are blind. She loves me dearly.

Breathe in.

He finally paused to take a breath
Then looked down—. It felt like staring into hell.
The man was seated in a chair before him, silent,
A statue framed in pain and flesh. He thought,
"Oh, what more can I say to sway him? To make this statue speak?
I swear he's made of stone and I am barely stirring up a breeze."


And after waiting in the silence,
Finally turned around to leave.
Broken and barely through the doorway,
Breathing slowly, beating hard, he heard him speak:

**"I guess love's a funny thing—the way it fades away without a warning.
It doesn't ask to be excused.
And when it's gone—oh, it's gone—and it ain't ever comin' back.

There is nothing you can do to save it,
To make it breathe the way it did when you were sliding on the ring.
Trust me: It's gone for good.

Now there is nothing you can do to stop me.
She is happy when she is with me and I am finally alive. I'm sorry."
I wore a razor on my wrist last night,
it told me of the time.
I read it like any watch,
based on all the lines.
At four o'clock comes loneliness,
that frustrating little fiend.
At nine o'clock comes guilt,
when I can't say I'm seven months clean.
At eleven o'clock comes depression,
it hits me like a gun.
At one o'clock comes fear,
all I want to do is run.
I wear it everyday,
hiding it under my sleeve.
Put a smile on my face
so everyone believes.
Even my best friend can tell I'm getting bad.
She just likes to turn away and believe the sound of my laugh.
Don't worry darling,
I won't bring you drown.
Just don't sit at my grave and weep
when I've finally decided to drown.
Isn't it funny,
That you want things
You dont have,
and have things you don't want.
And you spend your time praying,
Trying to justify sin
And pass it off as love.
We get this idea in our heads,
That we aren't meant to be alone.
That the only point in life
Is to find someone to make you
Feel complete.
But if you need someone to fill you,
Isn't that just like putting a bandaid
Over a bullethole?
There's always the possibility
Of love leaving,
Of having empty spaces again?
I think its more important to
Complete yourself.
People come and go like seasons.
But you will always be stuck
With yourself.
So live and love as hard as you can.
As passionately as you can.
And remember that the last persons
Voice you'll hear when you lie
Down to drift off into eternal sleep,
Is your own.
I guess my favorite part about my decision
is that I dont have to say goodbye anymore.
I have one more year with you,
you don't have to have me but I'll always want you.
Best friend.
The only thing that bothers me is that
               you don't trust me with these things.
                           Always second to find out but first
                           to offer comfort, advice, and love..

               You don't trust me with these things.
That's the only thing that bothers me.
There's a girl I know,
I won't tell you her name.
She's been through so much;
as much as me, but I think more.
She has someone in her life,
someone she could never leave.
Who she loves more than life;
who she sees in her future;
who she wants more than air.
But this someone doesn't love her back;
doesn't love her like that.
And it kills her.
I held her in the parking lot today,
as she cried into my shoulder,
shaking uncontrollably,
hit with the loss of her love.
She has been there for me through my situations
that seem to be incredibly similar to hers.
I will never forget what she's done.
I pray to God, she finds a source of light;
she heals;
she is whole again.
But most of all;
I pray that I don't end up
exactly like her.
I swear on everything that I care about
that I really do try to be happy.
But sometimes I get so tired of trying
that I just become sad for a bit.
And I hate when old habits come back
just to bring me new secrets to keep.
Completely rambling
Dear cheater:

Please don't hurt my girl.
Don't break her heart,
don't make her cry.
Don't **** her like last time,
feel like she's died.
Don't make promises,
that you can't keep.
That will make my lovely
begin to weep.
Don't use your charm,
to reel her in.
Or act like she, is all you've been;
waiting for to have your heart.
And as she begins to feel the start;
of a love brand new,
where you have changed;
change your mind
and leave her in pain.
All I ask is that you love her right.
That you let her win all your fights,
and hold her tight through out the night.
Because I've seen what she's  been through.
What she's been through with you.
So if you don't love her,
cut her loose.
And the next girl you catch..
Don't abuse.
I've known for a few weeks now.. My shoulders tensed up and boom. All the signs were there. I know I haven't been good to you in the past, and it hurts me to know that you don't even feel comfortable enough to trust me with this. But I completely understand why. I know how I am and how I've acted. But tonight on my way home, I had a bit of a talk with God. I didn't ask him but one thing and I pray he sees me through. I never want you hurt and I hope you know that. I can't be the one to try to guard your heart.. It doesn't work like that and I'm sorry for the past. You know what you are getting yourself into and if you are okay with that, than I am too. I meant it when I said I support any of your decisions. I just want you to be happy and never have your heart broken. Ever. You deserve the world and i prayed so hard thats what you're given. So beautiful girl... If this is what makes you happy, then **** him with that smile. Always- K
He wants the best for her;
but when he speaks,
I see a ghost.
He wants the best for her,
and she swears,
that she knows.
But I see her eyes glaze over,
sending her thoughts somewhere far.
As he talks about things she needs to do,
not even thinking of her scars.
Her bruises,
the ones you see and the ones you don't.
His words are sharp as a razors,
making the hurt seem to float,
to the surface.
More than once she has to hear,
of everything she didn't do.
"Don't you worry now, my dear."
Is what I want to say,
though she won't listen.
And sometimes my eyes glisten when hers glisten.
I guess I'm just more proud than I can explain.
I see the passion in her being,
swallowing all the pain.
She blocks it out,
and she's good at it,
I must say.
Dont listen to his words my friend,
he will finally see one day.
I feel like taking revenge,
every time you cancel on me,
or put me off again,
or call me last.
I feel like making you feel,
all the things I feel.
Hurt,
            rejection,
                             ­  sadness;

and don't forget, anger.
I feel like taking revenge,
but I'm far too kind for that.
I want you to know that sometimes I become so scared of the future, tendrils of birds burst from my rib cage.
I can feel the cuts on my palms from trying to push back time.
Memories claw out of my fore arms and drip down my finger tips.
I can feel the venom of broken promises course theough my veins.
And I am terrified.
I have witnessed the aftermath of a hurricane.
And the first handful of dirt thrown into the grave.
I can't be your silver lining anymore.
I can't be your saving grace.
I can't even be your still day.
But I can be your shadow.
The wind.
Maybe even a stain on your soul.
I want you to know that I could see stardust when you were with me.
And hear angels when you smiled.
That it may have taken awhile,
But I realized what god was everytime you laughed.
I want you to know that you were the best part of me.
And that if I tried to hold in my hands, all the seconds that I thanked God for your existence, it would spill out of my hands like grains of sand and dry up all the oceans.
I will miss the gold flecks in your eyes.
I will miss the skip in your step.
I Will miss your compassion.
It may hurt, but i want you to fly.
Fly, and never look back.
Not even for me.
I used to think,
"Oh I want to be skinny. I want to look like a model."
And then I watched
a childhood friend
deteriorate in front of my eyes
after obsessing over her weight.
She went from this beautiful
young girl
to this hollow,
****** in,
bulimic and anorexic shell.
It's a sad day when you don't recognized someone you've known your whole life
when they walk up to you
in the gas station.
I don't want to be that.
A shell.
So **** being skinny.
**** people who think y
ou need to be thinner.
Just **** society
and
always
be
you.
Staring at my hands;
a realization that
the love line that runs
through my palm
is broken.

*So that explains it.
It's hard letting go.
I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong.
Slow, I'm getting up.
My hands and feet are weaker than before.

And you are folded on the bed,
Where I rest my head.
There's nothing I can see,
Darkness becomes me.

But I'm already there.
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

There's nothing that I'd take back.
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret.

Cause when I sing, you shout.
I breathe out loud.
You bleed, we crawl like animals.
But when it's over, I'm still awake.

A thousand silhouettes,
dancing on my chest.
No matter where I sleep,
you are haunting me.

But I'm already there,
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.
But I'm already there,
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

Cause I'm already there,
I'm already there,
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.
I think I'm addicted to sadness.
You left me.
I was alone.
You were supposed to be there,
but you decided who was most important.
I want you to know that it hurt me so bad,
I felt like I had died for a time.
But then I realized it was you who died,
and I mourn your loss.
The ghost of my friend hangs over my shoulder.
And I mourn you.
But this was your choice.
So when its all over,
and you have questions and want answers..
Find a mirror.
Because I won't mourn you forever.
I can't,
He used to drink orange juice
out of cups that curved,
like his smile used to,
licking droplets of orange sun
off of his lips;
sun beams,
that shined from his face,
and his eyes,
which was unfair
because he knew;
I'm telling you,
he knew,
that summer was my favorite time of year.
And when the sun hit me,
like a thousand arrows,
from the bow of Heartbreak,
that I would think of him
and his orange juice cup.
And question all the reseons he sent me letters
with different stamps,
always scribbled in black lines,
like his pupils,
when I let him see through the jail bars of my soul,
and I asked him,
no,
I begged him to leave me cuffed to the wall,
with no food or water,
starving my desire to love again,
knowing that if I devoured every word,
every sound,
and memory,
of trembling hands on first dates,
leaning in to kiss me,
with lips and fists at the nape of my neck,
clinging to me like feathers;
with every single intake of breath,
and caterpillars that wrapped themselves in silk,
and waited for days and nights to pass,
until finally,
they spread their wings to reveal Picasso's paintings,
that I would eventually die of starvation,
as the words ran out,
and the kisses became short,
and the butterflies died...
He knew.
He knew that I loved summer;
and the drops of orange juice on his lips.
She was my best friend,
and I miss her more than can be explained.
We used to be like one person,
but now everything has changed.
She didn't talk to me for days
and acted like everything was okay
right before she went away.
I had to block it out,
I can only take so much pain;
Be taken advantage of,
so I spent every day,
wondering if I'd see her again
before she left for L.A.
But it didn't happen,
it hasn't happened.
We grew so far apart.
When I take time to think about it,
it honestly breaks my heart.
We weren't always there for each other,
we had other things we had to do.
But when it all came down to it,
we always saw each other through.
Not talking about the serious,
just made each other laugh.
And we'd always joke about how much we ate
and that we were gonna be so fat.
The truth is, I miss the simple stuff;
Not really talking about life.
Just going through each day one at a time.
And taking life with a grain of salt,
tequila,
and lime.
For C.

Sloppy and not well done.
Slowly dying,
stories of her past
hide in the wrinkles of her skin.
stories,
told and not told,
Brought to the brim of light blue eyes;
searching,
talking to her mother
who died before the Berlin Wall.
"The black birds are coming."
But not soon enough.
Shaking suffering,
not able to speak.
Skin like paper,
but having to be tough.
Surviving five wars,
and numerous gas prices,
and elections of presidents.
And now as the clock ticks
she sleeps.
And slips slowly away
into what I believe is Heaven.
When someone else's happiness is your happiness..
That is love.
Even when they do or say things that make your stomach turn.
When their skin is stained by other peoples finger prints.
When their eyes light up at a smile that isn't yours,
But you smile anyway..
That is love.
You're allowed to feel sick to your stomach,
You're allowed to bite your lip to keep from crying.
You're allowed to be sad in your room alone.
But if you still make an effort..
Still put a smiley face at the the end of a text that says you're happy they found someone new,
or still come to them when they need you..
That is love.
Here's to the friends who will drop anything to be there when I need them.
Here's to the friends who sit with the intent to listen,
not to speak.
Here's to the friends who fill my head with constant laughter instead of cold silence or harsh words.
Here's to the friends who know how terrible a home can be so they take me in whenever I need.
Here's to the friends who tell me right away if I've done something wrong.
Here's to the friends who know how to communicate.
Here's to the friends that watch The Golden Girls with me and don't ask me to change the channel because they know I've never had a grandmother of my own.
Here's to the friends who don't cancel plans because they get a better offer.
Here's to the friends who keep me going and child like while the world is growing into a cold adult.
Here's to the friends that dream with me and talk as if they will be a reality some day.
Here's to the friends that miss me when I'm gone.
Here's to the friends that understand my love for Shay Mitchell.
Here's to the friends who call me a ******* but join in on the fun anyway.
Here's to the spontaneous road trips,
the unplanned adventures,
the nights with too much alcohol,
and too little food.
Here's to the friends who come over to watch football even though they don't like it but they know you do.
Here's to the friends who don't exclude you on family days but invite you along because you are family.
Here's to the friends who kick my *** when they find a razor in my room because if I want to feel pain they might as well get some fun out of it all.
Here's to the friends that say I'm sorry and mean it.
Here's to the friends that tell me it will be okay and mean it.
Here's to the friends that say I love you and mean it.
Tay and Bianca, you will always be my mains.
I have a friend,
She jumps hurdles.
For me,
She seems quiet,
In her zone,
Eyes focused on what's ahead,
I stand at one end of the stadium,
pretending to read a book,
But with eyes behind dark glasses,
I enjoy watching her in a different realm.
She runs up and down the field,
And stops to chat with different people,
Which I find encouraging,
Because she seems to not care who those people are,
Or that they have a past,
That may be filled with secrets as dark as my t shirt.
When its her turn to run,
She stands at the blocks,
The man says "ready"
But she treats it as if its a question
Because she goes down on one knee
And flips her hair over her left shoulder,
Pulls each leg of her spandex down,
As if it'll make them grow in length,
Which I find amusing.
The man with the gun says "set"
And she rises in the air before it goes off
And as it does,
She explodes outward like ocean mist
Hitting black cliffsides
And I wonder how she seems to bring her own sunset
Becasue as she runs,
The colors never leave her face
Even when she crosses the finish line.
The other runners must see it too,
Becasue they seem to slow their step
To watch her set out in front of them
Which I think is funny,
Because they don't even get to watch the clouds break
When she smiles after ******* In a few gusts of wind.
I like to watch all people do the things they love,
But maybe it means more when you're watching someone
you truly wish to be happy
No matter the cost of yourself.
I was Sitting underneath a tree
That was raining pieces of bark down around me
Maybe to try an make the scene more poetic
As if it could change itself into water.
I was deep in thought,
Which annoys me sometimes
Cause I think too much,
But anyways,
I was thinking about how the hurdler
Doesn't just run races
On harmless school fields,
Jumping tiny tables laid out for her.
She also jumps hurdles in her own life,
Which are usually much bigger,
and scarier.
But just like the start,
She seems to crouch down at the sight of the people and their guns,
And springs forward,
Pushing against the ground, not running away,
But conquering everything before her.
And when she gets done with her race,
I can't help but swell with pride,
Because even her running,
seems to create poems of her life.
She handles each hurdle with such grace,
And respect,
a sort of beauty.
My eyes seem to always smile,
When I stand where I always am,
At the finish.
Waiting.
I stand at the end and not the start
Because just like in life,
I can't wait to see her conquer each hurdle
And meet me at the finish line
where ill always be,
With a smile,
Waiting for the hurdler.
Waiting,
For her to win.
It's early in the evening but I'm so tired it feels like the late hours of the night. I have a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other and I can't even look at the stars because they remind me of your eyes.
They say I'm unsinkable.

A pristine piece of machinery,

the finest on the water.

They say I'm unsinkable.

I can take on anything.

I can carry anybody.

They say I'm unsinkable.

But if the Titanic could sink,

than so could I.
How long do I have to live
before I've lived long enough
to be allowed to die?
I think of you often.
When I'm driving
or right before bed.
I think of the way things ended..
how we seemed perfect only weeks before,
and then in a flash,
you were taken from me.
I don't think I've ever cried so much
as I did that night.
I couldn't even go to school the next day.
The truth is,
I miss you.
I miss how you were the one
who was always there for me.
You never left,
even when I came crying to you,
even when I ignored you.
I miss the way you push me,
as messed up as that seems.
How we'd spend hours together,
and by the end,
I'd be hunched over;
exhausted and sweating.
How you'd bruise me and make me bleed.
But I craved to touch you,
and feel you in my hands.
I'll never forget every lesson you taught me,
good and bad.
And even though I see you sometimes,
on a Saturday night..
I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy
when you're with other girls.
You have influenced my life
and will always be part of it.
You will be part of my future.
But eventually..
I will lose you again.
And I don't know if I can take that.
Just know that I'll always love you.
To my greatest love.
So I saw on something tumblr that said..

"I hate when you're trying
so hard not to cry in front
of someone and then they
ask 'are you okay?' And
you just lose it."

And I thought to myself..
No that's never happened to me.
And then I realized..
No ones ever asked me that before.

I'm right there with you Kay...

It's just kinda an empty feeling, huh?

Yeah, but I'm used to it.

Me too.
So then I asked her if she was okay,
and she asked the same of me.

We both said yes,
but I think we're lying.
Why doesn't the moon cry tears like I do?
Maybe that's what rain is.
I need a cigarette.
No you don't.
You don't need a ******* cigarette.
I want to sit on the roof.
It's so cold out though.
I'm so tired, I just want to sleep.
I have to be up in 4 hours.
Maybe I'll make breakfast.
I don't like the color yellow.
But I do like the color of the sun.
I wish my mom told me she was proud of me when she was sober.
I think that dragons existed at one point.
You can tell me you don't believe In magic, but if you look at the person you love and smile, I'll know you're lying.
I hate it when people are better than me.
I need to sleep.
I want to record my dreams.
I want to forget my nightmares.
I want to **** the boy with the blue billed nike hat.
I love it when frogs croak.
I have to get up on 4 hours.
Breaking Bad is pretty good.
Walking Dead is better.
PLL is my favorite show though.
I should watch the titanic.
My dad would yell at me.
I need to be famous.
I'm so tired.
I just want to sleep.
Today will be a good day.
Today will be terrible.
Maybe I should shower.
I think I might pass out.
Why does everybody always fight?
I can't tell if blue is my favorite color,
Or red.
I want to travel.
Oh my gosh.. Paris.
My eyelashes aren't even long.
I'm so tired.
I need to sleep.
I'm so glad to be alive today.
I'm so tired.
I want to die.
Literally my thoughts as I lay in the dark and try to rest. Sleeping pills give me bad dreams and **** makes me hungry. Sometimes I want to shoot my brain in the head, though I think that's the meaning of the saying "double edged sword."
Today, the 11 days are over.
You packed up your bags,
Stepped foot out of your house,
And that was it.
Your life will never be the same again.
I've sent you multiple messages the past two days..
And had to get drunk just to do it.
I wish it wasn't this way..
Wish it was easier.
But its not, Bug.
We've never been easy.
But through it all,
I've love you,
And you me,
And I suppose that's most important.
Today was my favorite singers birthday,
And I planned to *****-to-the-wall celebrate.
but as everyone else was tAking shots in her honor,
I found I was taking them to numb the pain in my chest.
You see, I could feel you leaving..
I could feel the pull of the universe shift
From south to north.
I tried to drown you out with alcohol,
But when igot home,
I had to speak to you just once more.
I had to tell you how much I missed you already,
How much you had meant to me.
Even if it was futile..
Even if i swore to myself i could be strong,
It wouldnt hurt me to see you go..
Oh, but it did.
I know I'm not number one anymore,
And I can honestly say that I'm happy you've found
Someone who doesn't bring you down,
Someone so different from me.
I know its gonna be hard for you..
I mean Jesus Christ, Ive been bawling for
The better part of an hour.
But you can do it.
I believe in you.
I always will.
I will miss you so much.
And I don't care who thinks they know you better..
Former number one or not,
I know you,
And that may be the only thing that never changes.
i'm used to it.*
I say.
Because I am.
And it's okay.
It's okay you didn't love me,
like you promised that you would.
It's okay you didn't love me,
I completely understood.
And it's okay that we are distanced..
I knew that this would come.
But best friend,
don't forget,
that you're my only one.
<3
Wake up, bake it.
Give no *****, fake it.
Days spent, nothing.
Nights dreamt, loving.
Kids home, screams start.
MTV, Mario cart.
Big sis, no heart.
Big sis, love art.
Paints herself, always red.
Wishes herself, always dead.
Snapped wrists, knuckles bled.
Voices always fill her head.
Moms home, red eyed.
***** bottle, she always lied.
Names Jeff, *******.
Names Ben, ******* too.
Daddy says, he wants to die.
Comes in my room, starts to cry.
He's been googling, clean suicide.
Asks the same question, who am I?
Brother screams, stamps his feet.
Sisters crazy, no nice and neat.
Go in my room, close the door.
Try not to breathe, lay on the floor.
Try not to cry, punch a door.
Try not to die, try not to soar.
Hand swollen, can't move.
Pack a bowl, for one not two.
Breathe in deep, let it sit
Listen to music, begin to slip.
Drink a bottle, finally faded.
Drop the mask, no masquerading.
Pass out, dreams are waiting.
Pass out, finally escaping.
You can't always focus on what is gone,
but focus on what you have.
Even if you're mad,
and sad,
and things get bad.
When people leave you,
because they have to.
And people stay because they want to.
You can cry a day, or maybe two.
But when tomorrow comes,
and the day is new.
You should try to smile
for the things still here.
For the things that will never disappear.
That only grow stronger with every tear.
I want to travel the world with you;

just to walk by your side in every city.
I stared at my phone screen,
Waiting for you to reply.
With the soft winter breeze blowing through my heat filled room,
I could almost mistake this day for summer.
With you in your ray bans,
And me in my aviators.
I want to sit in a meadow of daisies
by the river,
watching you pick the petals from the stem.
And hear you laugh like sunshine rays tumbling down my skin.
It isn't only until just now,
That I realized that this is not
Summer,
and we are not laughing anymore,
And nothing is easy.
It is hard and I miss you..
Today I feel like dying.
And that is perfectly okay.
I used to keep a notebook that was filled with tally marks. Every time I felt like dying, I'd add a new mark to the page. Went through three college rule notebooks. Need to buy some more.
I think when I first saw you,
I swallowed you like my anti depressant pills,
and you settled into my stomach.
When I first saw you,
A thousand seconds in time wrapped themselves in silk,
And became cocoons of memories.
Turning into butterflies,
they fly around in my chest.
When I see your smile,
when I hear your laugh,
when I remember the stars in your eyes.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to breathe in all of the air of the earth.
Because you...
You took my breath away.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to live.
For the first time in my life..
I wanted to  live.
But minutes turned to seconds on our pocket watches,
and you sat on the hillside of my insides with a gun.
You sat there and shot down all my butterflies.
And now..
I don't want to live.
And I don't want to love.
I want to die.
You took love from me.
You stamped at it with your feet like cigarette ashes but I'm still burning.
You grabbed me by my throat and whispered,
"I love you."
And as you left me there dying,
with my last breath I apologized for getting blood on your coat.
Writing about whatever.

Thoughts welcomed!
Leaving you will surely **** me;
I don't even want to this time.
But I'm a big girl now,
a big girl going off to college.
I can picture it:

I open the door to your room,
you're shuffling around with something.
Your back is to me.
I stand there silently for a moment;
letting you distract yourself.
I'm about ready to break,
but I don't know how strong you'll act
so I stand up tall.
Suddenly, you crumble.
And I'm there.
Holding you up, telling you I'm here;
that I'll never let you go.
Whispering everything I can think of;
catching your tears;
pressing you into me to try an swallow you up;
to just have you within myself
where I never have to leave you.
After who knows how long;
after I've gotten everything out of me
and maybe you did too..
I press my forehead against yours
(I have to be on my tippy toes; I'm not tall enough.)
so we can just cry for a moment, together.
Then, I tell you I love you;
take a deep breath;
whisper, "goodbye"
and kiss the smooth spot on your forehead.


I think I die as I walk out the door.
I'm really not sure though.
I try to break the surface of my daydreams
before they break my heart.
There are two horrible parts about this dream.
One: this is an impending doom
I can't escape.
Everyday is a grain of sand, falling away.
Two: I don't even know if you'll notice my absence.
I mean, I know you will.
But I don't think it'll break you like it will me.
Not that I want that.
I just don't want you to let me go.
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