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My heart is racing faster than ever before,
my thoughts refuse to slow down,
everything inside of me is shaking,
all because the possibility of you and me.

I have never been this terrified in my life,
and you haven't the slightest clue,
you're causing flash floods in my veins  
every time you speak my name.

When you say I'm a good man,
I start to forget how to swim,
but if this is what you call drowning,
I don't ever want to breathe again.

I want to tell you how I feel,
but I'm trapped beneath the waves,
forming syllables is walking on water,
and I'm still caught in the storm.

*~ Matthew Walker ~
12/11/14
When I was in the thick of it,
struggling with that depression and all it's horrors,
if I was having a really bad day,
I would climb out my bedroom window
and put a blanket on my roof
and lie there until the sun went down.
It's my favorite part of the day.
It just makes you feel good,
seeing something so beautiful, you know?
That's how I feel when I look at you.
There's a million sunsets in your eyes
and everything feels okay when they meet mine.
You are my favorite part of the day.

*~ Matthew Walker ~
fast forward three years
you're living on the coast binding books and your hips together
and i'm still in the small town that turned me into a sinkhole
you got out though, huh? you got out just fine, you have always been stronger than me
you have always been able to get well and get up without anyone bringing you bouquets of hands

you sit down to explain to her that love has made you reckless, that too many people
have been easygoing with your heart; let it cross the streets alone.
drunkenly leaving it in cabs in other countries
so for a while there you weren't sure who to give it to

my dear, I know now that you were never a hotel I could check in and check out of
you were in the best way possible, the mental hospital,
the time I woke up with nobody but the voices in my head (they were all yours)
(I couldn't leave until I got better)

you tell her you fell in love with a girl who never burned your letters,
who showed love in all the wrong ways, never picked up the phone, "honey", you'd say,
"she was nothing like you" ... "kept her hair light to contradict the dark inside of her,
didn't trust anyone to blindfold her and walk her down the street"
you try to tell her my name, but you can't
you can't remember what they call me, call me, call me,
I never picked up the phone

fast forward three years
you're living on the coast making love and mixed drinks a little too strong
and i'm buried near the sinkhole in town, next to the dog my dad kicked a little too hard
out the door of the house he lived in with my mother
i've got your name tattooed on my neck
If you want to love me,
don't just give me your words,
keep your empty promises,
I've had enough of those.

Trace your fingers along my skin
until you can tell my stories,
memorize the hidden scars
and know the depths of my heart.

Cut your fingertips on the cracked
mirrors inside my chest cavity
as they reflect my insecurities
and all my trembling mysteries.

Warm up beside the fires within me,
feed me timber when I begin to fade,
shield me on the dreadful rainy days,
fan my small sparks into flames.

Don't you dare tell me you love me
if you haven't yet wept for me,
felt the sting of my broken pieces,
or burned when I came alive.

*~Matthew Walker~
10/05/14
My emotions are a skeleton
and every bone is breaking.
My heart is a cavern
and the ceiling is collapsing.

If disappointment were the ocean,
I'd have sailed the seven seas.
My eyes are a furnace
and the saltwater is my excuse.

I could create endless metaphors,
turn my anguish into beauty,
craft well-written analogies,
and pretend pain is poetry.

But honestly I'm just empty,
there are no words that convey
this simple absence of fulfillment,
the hole in my chest isn't poetic.

I have huge dreams and fiery passions,
but I'm lying in bed writing poems,
life is dripping through my fingertips
and I'm just watching it hit the cement.

I feel like a failure,
I'm afraid my life is worthless,
I'm incapable of succeeding,
I'm not good enough to win.

These words are midnight's lies
but they're finding me in the daylight.
I have become exhausted,
and I am so tired of being tired.
10/6/14 12:05am
Collapsed against the brick wall,
tears puddled on her knees,
devoid of comfort,
she was weeping alone.

This was never supposed to happen.

Heart fractured by a boy,
boss called to let her go,
the death of a loved one,
it could have been anything.

This isn't okay.

I've never known the girl,
never even seen her face;
but I still have to say,
her heart should never break.

This wasn't part of the plan.

Darling, you are more than this,
a greater love is here, I promise.
There will be an end to it;
the aching will cease to exist.

This is all going to be fixed.

Your Father adores you,
His shoulder will catch
your tears before they
have the chance to land.

This is finished.




*~ Matthew Walker ~
I was leaving in n out tonight when I saw a girl crying by herself. It haunted me for the rest of the night. I couldn't really put on paper what was plaguing my mind, but I tried.

08/23/14
No longer doth she walk the twilit earth,
Her knock forever absent from our door.
Death's icy grasp banished our childlike mirth
Silencing her sweet voice forevermore.
Laid aside dreams from spirit grown weary;
Perfume of burning candles flood her room.
How dragged those final days on steps dreary
Awaiting with tears the oncoming gloom.
Sweet Joy! I long to see thee once again
Tripping so merrily through woodland green,
Or nymph-like wandering in mist and rain.
Amber hair and faery form no more seen,
Flown as a free bird from imprisoned cage,
Vanished from life, leaving one cherished page.


**~Hilda~
In memory of my dear sister: Joy.
Several years ago she told me,
"You know, this life is just like a page of a book compared to eternity."

Written July 2, 2014
© Hilda July 4, 2014
Time hath ceased.
All clocks stopped.
Where you passed by
in dew kissed meadow,
void of thy presence.
We hear no more
at our door
thy gentle knock.
After thy passing
and before
persistent loud cry
of Whip-poor-will.
Now that is still.

Silence.


**~Hilda~
© Hilda July 4, 2014
I want a record player.
And an intimately lit living room.
And after we put the kids to sleep, I want you to pull me away from washing the dishes.
And I want to dance with you to our song playing faintly on the record from the living room.
My face buried in your neck as you whisper to me that I'm beautiful.
I want to look up at the stairway to find that the kids snuck out and are watching us.
I want them to see our love for each other daily.
And when you pull me into a kiss, I want to hear them say "ewww" and run back to bed.
I want to laugh passionately with our lips still in an embrace.
And when our song is over, I want to lay down on the couch with my head in your lap.
I want to hear about your day as we watch the candle flicker on the coffee table.
I want you to rub my shoulders until we both fall asleep.
I want to wake up suddenly at 2:37 in the morning and kiss you softly, motioning for your hand, whispering to you "let's go to bed".
I want to hear your footsteps behind me walking up the stairs.
Before we go to our room, I want to check on the kids and marvel at our blessings.
Then I want to change into my nightgown and slide under the cool covers until I feel your warm body.
I want you to kiss the back of my neck and drape your arm around me and tell me you love me.
I want I love you too, to be the last thing I say to you, every night.
Because I do.
I don't know who you are yet, but I do...
Love you too.
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