Strange how sanity
looks so very different
from the outside

There was a child once
full of  barely hidden laughter and mischief
emotions endlessly poured out and back in
like a tide tasting a new shore for the first time
Where is that child i wonder

there was a traveler once
thirsting for the experience and life seen all around
headfirst diving into the world accepting
fearing nothing and witnessed with wide eyes
where is that traveler i wonder

there was a husband once
overflowing with found shining love
joy swamping easily the baseless fear of loss
proven in horrible perfection in a moment
where is that husband i wonder

there was a father once
completely enamored of a tiny squalling form
filled with a something that could not be defined
until it was gone drained and replaced with horror
where is that father i wonder

there was a lover once
coupled a shy temerity with a respectful tenderness
opening to possible love as a flower to sun
bruised and rejected on occasion though ever hopeful
where is that lover i wonder

there was a soldier once
who stood up with passion for those who could not
heart on the sleeve and thunder on the brow
viewing the world as a problem to be fixed
where is that soldier i wonder

there was a fighter once
who smiled sadly as he fought and killed in the name of money
laughing at the jokes his companions made in desperate tones
as they hid the slowly acidic thoughtful fear of being the bad guys
where is that fighter i wonder

there was a man once
betrayed and broken by this world and his choices
looking back across the memories that swirl and sift
ashes and dust that are all the remains of a once laughing child
and i don't need wonder where that man is.

Affection is
a place of warmth and safety
where joy and fun collide
in an idea of future

Love is
unremitting emotion erupting
boiling flames of possible pain
a wondrous burning heat

Fear is
knowing you'll die alone and forgotten
discovered as a corpse years later
when neighbours complain about the mail

Joy is
being lost in a single moment
the unexpected laugh of being alive
a passing radiant smile

Depression is
a black tar bog
dragging you down
where even screams are drowned

Loneliness is
the unfortunate idea that
if i don't smile now
i won't get another chance

Happiness is
finding that memory
that will make me laugh
no matter the situation

Horror is
waking from my dreams
to find they're not real
and having to face this world

Self loathing is
the constant critique
and lists of all my faults
running through my head

Relief is
knowing it is only a few hours
i can sleep again
and lose myself in dreaming

Frustration is
when my head hits the pillow
and eyes drift close
but the mind will not let go

Strength is
waking up a normal unremarkable person
seeing all the pain the day will bring
and trying to make sure someone else will smile

Hope is
that there is someone out there
that i might meet today
that can make me smile

Bravery is
looking in the mirror standing tall
to brace my shoulders against this life
and making sure i make someone laugh today.

Spine on earth to see
sunlight watching back at me
lives and loves are fleeting
as breeze through unfurled leaves
a trunk may scar in storm
to heal and grow toward life
a tree never dies
whispers in the wind
even though it falls
to feeds growth anew
as joy must breed sorrow
peace born from war
to suffer is to live
for it is not life.

And here you see the forlorn man
facing backwards along his span of years
critiquing each time of neglect
confronting past decisions with a sneer
lamenting the decades of regret
should have been more
could have been better
held on too tight with grasping claw
let go that which he ignored
mistakes strangling forward thought
so trapped and caught at last
before the end already stopped
endlessly cycling through the past
standing stationary on the road of life
face down in mud on the verge
screaming at others, not this way!
ignored perhaps pitied
if thought of at all
even in his own mind
for he is forlorn.

Walking wandering waiting watched
aimless within a maze of desire and fear
can't let go can't let go can't let go
won't survive to allow someone in
walls stretching to the sky ever building
as foundation shakes and crumbles
wings torn and tattered fly and fall in but one direction

Bending begging bleeding broken
gripped by certainty and fore knowing
can't hold on can't hold on can't hold on
nothing remains to sacrifice for
empty shell beneath painted mask
burning for reflection be become reality
face cracked and flaking
echoes bounce endless

Fighting fleeing falling failed
last gasp escapes twisted prison
can't get up can't get up can't get up
useless scrabble of crippled fingers
a coarse rejection in abject denial
for respite for a chance for a life
movement fades no more mask
a grimace replaced with a smile

And empty eyes stare forever.

Sometimes i wish

and then

Wish i hadn't