I pace along the cold, sterile halls, the stench of cleaning supplies and death invading my senses. I struggle to keep my breathing even. I can’t break down here. I have to keep it together. I can feel the burn of the nurses’ sympathetic glances like an iron, leaving their marks of pity seared into my flesh. Their hushed whispers drift to my ears and I clench my eyes against the tears threatening to stream down my face.

They don’t know what they’re talking about. They don’t know about the promise you made me; that when this was all over we’d walk out of this cesspool of disease together. I take a deep breath and lean against the wall for support. My heart feels as though its on the verge of shattering, each breath sends waves of piercing pain into my chest. I wrap my arms around myself, hoping to hold myself together, to keep the pieces of my soul from crumbling apart.
The ring resting on my left hand seems to weigh a thousand pounds, as I look down at the diamond glimmering weakly under the fluorescent lighting. I stare at that ring, searching for the answers of what the future holds for us.

I’m still staring at that **** ring when the doctor finds me.

“Mrs. Payne?” I hear a voice call gently. I jump slightly, looking up into a pair of concerned grey eyes.

“It’s Ms. Roberts,” I correct him softly. “We’re getting married in the fall.” my voice is so quiet, I’m not sure if he heard me or not. I’m not sure why, but I have to make sure he understands when the wedding is; so no matter what he tells me, he knows you’ll be there to take me as your wife in just a few weeks.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Roberts,” he says. “If you follow me, I’ll take you to your fiance.” I nod my head robotically and walk stiffly beside him through the double doors which had been sealed shut for what seemed an eternity. He leads me to a closed door and pauses before turning the handle. He studies my face as words pour from his mouth and I nod my head methodically, not hearing a syllable. All I can think of is you waiting on the other side, with that crooked grin you save just for me.

“Do you understand what I’ve told you ma’am?” the doctor asks.

“Of course,” I say, smiling weakly and he frowns slightly but finally opens the door. I rush inside and with one look at the bed I feel my stomach drop and the world spins around me.

Your skin is deathly pale, lacking the natural glow that always seems to surround you. Tubes and wires connect you to the many machines sitting nearby, almost as if you’re a human pin cushion. I move to take a step forward and feel my knees buckle.  The doctor grabs me around the waist and leads me to the chair by your side. I sit down heavily and vaguely hear him mention that he’ll be back in a moment. It’s as if my entire world is collapsing in this one moment.

We’re completely alone now and I allow myself to really look at you. Your face is so peaceful, lacking the pain that’s twisted your handsome features for so long now. I wonder what you’re dreaming of, if you’re even dreaming at all. I reach a shaking hand out to touch you and cry out at how cold you are. I entwine my fingers through yours and squeeze hard, begging you silently to wake up and tell me how ridiculous I’m being. You always were the reasonable one, talking me down whenever I let my imagination get the better of me. However, the longer I sit there, the longer I listen to the sound of your heart monitor, the more I doubt what you said.

I feel a single tear slide down my cheek and bring our joined hands to my lips, pressing a kiss against your skin. The doctor is back now, followed by the nurses and their looks of idiotic compassion. As if they could possibly understand what is happening. He puts a hand on my shoulder and tells me it’s time. Time for what? I keep my eyes trained on your face, waiting to see those warm brown eyes of yours meet mine and sooth the pain away.

But your eyes stay shut and suddenly I hear the sound of your heart flat line. I watch as what little tension there was in your face fades into nothing. I watch the moment death lead you away from me. The nurses try to comfort me and lead me away, but I can’t leave you. I clutch your hand against my chest and feel my shoulders shake. There’s no stopping it this time. You’ve left me. You were my world, my everything and now I have nothing. The sobs wrack my entire body as I let go of the fight I had left. You told me you would always be here.

*You lied.

I try not to look in the corner, where your guitar rests--isolated and forsaken. I’ve tried to keep myself busy, so I don’t have time to think. So I don’t have time to feel. But for all the effort I put in, it’s pointless. For no matter how involved I become, there’s nothing to distract me as I lie alone at night, imagining you strumming away a song to carry me into forever.

That guitar is all I have left to remember you by, that and the empty space in my heart where you once lived. Where you tore your way into my soul and scraped out a place to call your own. And for however painful it might have been, I was never happier. You became a part of me, your haunting voice lingering in my mind through the night, chasing away the darkness.

Now the darkness has taken your place, leaving me a hollow shell of what I once was. The wretched void consumes me and as much as I cry out for help, my pleas are engulfed by the nothingness I’ve come to know. No one knows. No one can help me. Was this how you felt? Was this why you chose to leave?

My thoughts can’t help but to drift away to that edge, to the point of no return. Could that be the solution to my agony, would that vanquish this feeling of desolation? What would I find there?

I push it all away as I lean against the wall, sliding slowly to the floor. The rain that pounds against the window pane seems just another force determined to flatten me into submission, into nothing. I reach a hand out and stroke my fingers lightly across the strings. The resulting echoes are like stabs to the chest, each vibration slicing away a part of me. I **** my hand back and cradle it against my chest, unable to staunch the flow of tears that come pouring out as heavily as the torrential downpour outside.

I struggle to see through the film over my eyes and with the dim lighting coming in through the window, I can just barely see the reflection off the smooth, black finishing of your guitar. Memories bombard me as I clench my eyes against my minds eye. Seeing you run your hands fluidly over the neck, your agile fingers plucking out the enchantingly beautiful notes, as gently as when you would touch me…..

I can’t take much more of this. Being left here alone is too much for me to handle, I can’t face this oblivion on my own. Blindly I reach out for the edge of my desk and pull myself up. My hand skims over something icy cold and grasp the handle of the silver letter opener my grandmother gave me.

I sink back down, letter opener in hand and I feel sure for the first time since you died. I drag the blade across my skin, not even feeling the pain as I watch in fascination the scarlet lines appear, first faint then bold as the blood runs out. I rest my head on the floor, mesmerised as the dark pool around me grows ever larger.

There’s a heaviness weighing down on me now, and yet I’m feeling almost
weightless. My eyelids are growing heavy and I can’t keep them open as the darkness creeps over my vision. There’s a faint pounding in my ears and I can’t help but hear labored breathing. I wonder who that could be? Eh, that doesn’t matter now. I relax and I swear I feel like I’m floating. I’m drifting off to sleep now, my mind slowly shutting down. But as I let go, I swear I can hear your voice and the strum of your guitar, lulling me into infinity.

You know who you are,
            
            Although I haven’t known you long
             I feel it’s been an eternity
             Since you’ve waltzed into my life
             Destroying all shapes of conformity

             You turned my world on its ear
             And truly opened my eyes
             For the first time in my life
             I didn’t question my hope on the rise

             You had me drop my guard
             That I’d held up for so long
             And for that I thank you
             You helped me become strong

             You showed me so many wonders
             Even now it’s hard to forget
             The way you took my hand
             And gave your promise to protect

              It hurts me to admit
             That now you’ve come and gone
             But the lessons that you taught me
             Brought my life a new dawn

             So with these words I paint you
             So you might live forever
             And now I’m signing off
             Truly yours, now and forever

                                         *Yours, now and forever

What do I do....
                   .... when my heart stops loving you?