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We were a little too formal
as I gave you the usual tour of the house
that my mother would not approve of
and we were a little awkward
as I laid down next to you because
I was ready to jump into whatever this was
but at the same time it made me hesitate
because this was the first time.

The first time:
we’d ever gotten this close
and
I’d gotten to really feel
the way your muscled arms clenched
a little when you put your arm around me
and
I looked into your eyes
and you were looking straight back at me
without telling a joke or jabbing my sides
and you were serious
and I was nervous
but I kissed you anyway.

We were still slightly sweat-glistened
from mopping the dingy
and eternally sticky floors at work
but I liked the way
that I breathed you in
and it was a mix
between your quick spritz of cologne
when you thought I wasn’t looking
and your natural musky scent
that was exactly how I imagined you would smell
when I sat just far enough away
in the passenger seat.

We were a little too eager
and
your hands were a little too fast
to throw my tank top to the floor
and unhook my favorite bra
and
you were a little too fast
to get me exposed
despite our hesitations initially
but
I was a little too fast
to kiss you harder
to let you know that
I didn’t give a ****
about the lipstick that lingered
on your slightly swollen lips
and I wanted more
than just to rub my clothed body
against yours.


*August 5, 2014
11:55:19 PM
1:35 am
in the indigo infinity of the night,
i could've loved you better.

2:18 am
between the folds of the sheets
and the ache in my bones,
i warmed you from the inside out.

3:46 am
we are two stars,
unable to put our words into
constellations.
we will be our own downfalls.

4:28 am
you pull my hair and tell me
you love me in-between the groaned pants
and one day, underneath the cracked lips
and trembling hands
i'll find the courage to say it back.

5:19 am
i am the inferno that'll burn
your paper heart down
and when you're left with the ashes,
you'll see just how much of yourself
you gave to the girl with the sleepy eyes
and bruised knuckles.
i am sorry.

6:21 am
like the morning sun,
i'll rise to fill you with warmth
but i will have to set again.

7:34 am
"i can't hold your universe together."
*-H.K
"Gladly lost in the depths of you"
What depths?
How am I lost?
I'm lost in a puddle.
I'm standing ankle deep in fluff; in disappointment.
Some days, I wish things were different
Some days, I wish we were two of a kind
Some days..
But I fear loving someone just like me would be terrible.
We would be a twister; a ball of flames-- so destructive, that we would burn everyone in our wake.
We would break every bed, and smash every hope and dream our parents' had for us.
We would scream and yell and decimate each other to the brink of permanent dislocation, but never over the cliff.
My, what a cliff that would be..
We would break every bone in our bodies violently explaining how "right" one of us was, but only proving how fatally stubborn we really are.
We would ride the waves of life *******.
We would shoot up the night, and drink up the tragedies like a drunk fresh out of a failed rehab stint, as they roll over us like rock crushers-- hair of the dog that bit you; it's good for poetry, they say.
Never a dull moment for us
Never a craving
Never a quiet moment
Never left wanting more
Never a deeper sadness than what we create together

But perhaps it's a mistake wanting more than you
Perhaps you're keeping me from destruction
Perhaps your holding me back is a blessing
Perhaps I need you more than my heart realizes
Perhaps it's better this way
Perhaps I don't need to ever fall in love with someone like me
Lord knows I can't seem to love myself
What makes me think I would love my true other half?
I'm sorry
I.
AS flower to sun its drop of dew
Gives from its crystal cup,
So I, as morning gift to you,
This poor verse offer up.

II.
As flowers upon the summer wind
Their air-born odours shake,
So, in all fragrance you may find,
I give but what I take.

III.
My tree blooms green through snow and heat;
Your love is sap and root,—
And this is but the breathing sweet
Of fairest blossom-shoot.

IV.
An outgrowth of the happy days
In wedded lives begun—
Two lives, in all their work and ways,
Indissolubly one.

V.
The force that was to bind us so
We very dimly knew.
Ah, love! it seems so long ago,
And yet the years are few.

VI.
We did not wait for tides to rise,
Nor cared that winds were rough;
They call'd us foolish—we were wise;
God gave us wealth enough.

VII.
He only knows what precious change
We took of Him for gold;
What blessing such a narrow range
Of circumstance can hold.

VIII.
No troubles now could memory spare,
No lightest touch of pain;
No hard experience of care
Would we unlearn again.

IX.
Such love surrounds, such beauty lies
On our most common needs,
As silver ****-frost glorifies
The wayside sticks and weeds.

X.
All trials that are overpast,
All cares that are to be,
But make more sacred and more fast
The ties 'twixt you and me.

XI.
They are but clear lights shining through
The mist that round us rolls;
They are but touchstones, fine and true,
For fond and faithful souls.

XII.
They are but fires, to cleanse and clean
Our human love from stain;
For naught of sordid, false, or mean
From those blest fires remain.

XIII.
They are but keys within the wards
Of that last, inmost door,
Where the heart's dearest treasure-hoards
Are garner'd evermore.

XIV.
Ah, dear! our very griefs are glad
Our every cross is crown'd;
We are not able to be sad,
Such comfort wraps us round.

XV.
How calm the haven where we rest,
Now passion's storms are past!
How warm and soft the little nest
Which shelters us at last!

XVI.
How—blue, pellucid, and divine—
Through all our days and nights,
The clear eyes of our children shine
Like heavenly beacon-lights!

XVII.
We listen to the laughter sweet
Whose echoes come and go,
The music of the little feet
That patter to and fro.

XVIII.
And deepest thoughts of God awake,
Who hath reveal'd Him thus,
And, in His goodness, deign'd to make
His own abode with us.

XIX.
To God, in Christ, we kneel to-day
(Whose will on earth be done);
As He hath made us, let us pray
That He will keep us, one.

**.
Together, may we feel Him stand
About our path and bed;
Together may we, hand in hand,
His royal highway tread.

XXI.
The dear ones He has given, to be
Of His redeem'd the type—
Together, may we live to see
Their budding promise ripe.

XXII.
And, O my dearest! may we lie,
In our last night of rest,
Asleep together, peacefully,
Upon our Father's breast
Where sways in the wind the eucalyptus
with chiming bells rolls the bullock cart
lies the hut of my dream sown in wild grass
lives the girl I have loved and given my heart!

She is the girl not been ever to a city
she isn’t the girl can call clever and witty
a girl without a mirror she’s the most pretty
and I have loved her and given all my heart!

Her skin is dark cloud her lips river’s flow
her eyes are sky deep tinged with rainbow
she isn’t the girl skilled in love’s fine art
she is the girl I have loved and given my heart!

Her hair rusty black makes the winds insane
her smiles streaming brook no artist can paint
a girl without polish yet a beauty on the earth
and I have loved her and given all of my heart!
You rejoiced in my love,
        and reveled in my embrace
  
And so, I will love you as well.
       I will embrace you as if
                I were freezing
       I will kiss you as if
               I were starving
And I will love you as if,
It  is the only thing I know.


But once I'm done,
You will soon realize,
the most painful thing,
about falling in love;


Is when you hit the ground.
I see God.
On a distant hillside.
Perched in a tree.
Feeding her young.

She is no great beast.
But she sees everything.
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