You scream, you yell, you fight
and every sound you make
bleeds through these poor unfortunate cracks
and pours all over the floor.

You hit, you bite, you slap
and every movement you make
shocks through these paper thin walls
and bounces off the ceiling.

You curse, you laugh, you abuse
and every word that comes out of your mouth
breaks through these tired withered bones
and seeps into my chest.

You sigh, you pout, you cry
and every single tear that falls
soaks through these old weathered clothes
and breaks my heart.

She said she was fine
but under her breath 
was a heaviness that he had never encountered before.

He said he didn't hurt anymore
but in his hands
he held the heart that used to fit in his chest.

She said she was happy again
but under her tongue
she kept the bitterness of before.

He said he still loved her
but in his eyes
was a darkness that she could never escape.

I’ve felt love before
In moonlit travels, bright and eager
And in frost bitten hearts
Frigid and cold on the skin

I’ve felt love before
In calloused hands, veined and pained
And in deep blue eyes
Beautiful and sad in their depths

I’ve felt love before
In hot water, steamy and passion-filled
And in laundered bed sheets
Tousled and unfolded around the edges

I’ve felt love before
In whispered words, quiet and lovely
And in plain white t-shirts
Wrinkled and loose on the skin

I’ve felt love before
In smooth kisses, careful and deliberate
And in bony collarbones
Sturdy and solid in their depths

I’ve felt love before
In wildest dreams, sewn shut and clean
And in technicolor reality
Neon and fuzzy around the edges

I’ve felt love before
In different men, unique and contained
But now in sharp contrast
Overflowing and pouring forth

/fall asleep/
you feel like sunshine
bright and full of warmth
yellow in color and calm in nature
heat running through your fingertips
you burst through the sky
and pieces of it fall to the earth
i pick one up only to see
the moon staring back at me

/wake up/
you feel like lightning
sharp and full of voltage
brilliant in color and frantic in nature
electricity running through your fingertips
you crack open the sky
and pieces of it fall to the earth
i pick one up only to see
the sun staring back at me

We danced half-clothed in my bedroom
with a Beach House vinyl playing in the background.
The needle scratched the surface of its cold blackness
as we hovered just close enough
to feel the warmth of each other’s skin.

It spun around the center spindle
and grainy music poured out the speakers.
It filled the sunlit room with the most beautiful sounds
as I rested my head against you
and felt the strength of your arms around me.

Words were lost between us
as our hands did the talking
pressing each other closer with each verse.
The silence in the air filled with music
bursting with a chorus of love instead.

We moved together beat by beat
swaying back and forth to “On the Sea.”
Our feet taking the smallest steps to the side
as you cupped your hands under my jaw
and lifted my head so you could kiss me.

And in that moment,
everything that once was hazy and confusing
suddenly became crystal clear.
I realized that I had never felt more loved
than that one time we danced in my bedroom:
alone and half-clothed.

she’s vulnerable
flesh carved out of velvet
blood as thin as water
mind as malleable as clay
it appealed to you, this softness
of touch in the morning
of voice in your ear
of bleeding heart beating
you sought it out
her hair as soft as silk
the sunshine off her sternum
her mouth parted and wet
she’s beautiful
the way she fits with you
her hand wrapped around your own
her laughter filling your silence

but without warning,
her soft touch turned to
a million bugs underneath your skin
her voice melted into
the shrillest sound at night
her vulnerability withered into
a weakness you couldn’t escape
you tried to let her down gently
as gently as she let you in
but you misstepped
and let her destroy herself.

So many of these words have been about you...
I've written them during my darkest hours,
in the middle of the night after too many drinks,
that were accompanied by too many cigarettes,
after I had tossed and turned for what seemed like forever,
with you stuck in my head; those lingering aftershocks.
After listening to so many sad songs with the volume too loud,
I opened this computer and put down how you made me feel,
typed out the words that I never got to say to you,
poured out all the sorrow, and regret, and mistrust;
the jarring color of it, all viole(n)t red.
Let it soak through the keys and bloom into this portrait of you:
A picture of who you really were...a snapshot...a Polaroid.
And now that its finally tangible,
I can see all your sharp edges and black shadows
and how much I wanted to smooth you out and cast a light.
I can feel everything I wanted you to be
and how much it hurt when you disappointed me.

I hold your picture in my hands that I created with my words
and think about the all those depths you brought me to...
All those nights I spent wishing things were different.
All those hours I spent wishing you still loved me.
All those minutes I spent wishing I didn't cry over you.
All those seconds I spent wishing I never met you.
And I think I finally have the strength to rip you apart.
And forget you....for good.

Compliments were like mace;
asides that I never took well.
Never mind awkward first dates,
they were like living in hell.

I’m lucky I found gentle men
who took steps quietly,
that put up with my self-disdain.
and just as equally,
suffered in the rain.

But soon, they grew predictably helpless
and decided to abruptly end things.
Surrendering an on-going protest
they knew they would never win.

I’m sorry I brought my selfish war
into our cozy love stuff.
That I never cherished our affair
and tried to call your bluff,
as you firmly said farewell.

But if truth be told, and I’m being brutally honest…
I think I finally figured out the part that was the hardest
that I should be kind to myself regardless.

Set fire to our love
Burn it down

Until all I can taste is
Smoke in my mouth
Ashes gritting my teeth
Engulfed in the inferno that is you
Until all I can feel is
Flames licking my heels
Fire in my bones
Charred to black by the heat of you
Until all that’s left is dust

But don’t worry
I’ll let the past keep me warm

the feeling simmers deep down inside me
boiling and pouring all over my guts
scorching and burning all the way to my tongue
until it spill-splatters out of my mouth
the magma hot words bubble out
drenching and covering your outstretched hands
blistering and popping your delicate skin
until they creep-crawl up your arms
the fiery jumble of sounds crack apart
saturating and liquefying your shoulders
taking and breaking your slim bones
until they bust-burst apart your chest
these piping hot words finish you
leaving and abandoning you as a puddle on the floor
from something…no, someone different.

My love grew for you
In the quietest of moments
It bloomed with every stolen look
You took from across the room
It started off small
A butterfly here
A flutter there
Until it enveloped me
A cocoon of doom

Yellow, flaxen hair lays like a tumbleweed on your upper back

And your shoulder blades pucker the skin between them,

Highlighting that birthmark you've always hated.

The cotton blend sheets cover you so strategically,

Leaving just the half-moon of your breast exposed.

You must be cold because goosebumps line your arms

Creating a passage in Braille I'll never be able to decipher.

The milky-white skin of your back rises and falls with your breath

And as you exhale, one singular strand of hair blows in the wind.

 

But even with your head turned the other way,

I can picture the freckles fall across the bridge of your nose

And see the furrow in your brow with each passing dream

I want to reach out and lay my hand on any part that is you

Feel your warm skin against my calloused hands

But to touch you would wake you

So I let you sleep

You can make love
With careful caresses and tasteful touches
Your breath, slow and steady, on my neck
Your heart, hard and heavy, in your chest

Or you can ****
With harsh hands and boastful bites
Your breath, fast and frantic, on my neck
Your heart, rapid and reeling, in your chest

You can make love
With kind kisses and mild moans
Your body, pressed and playful, against me
Your eyes, wide and willing, fixed upon mine

Or you can ****
With snappy slaps and ****** vices
Your body, lewd and lively, against me
Your eyes, dilated and detailed, fixed upon mine

You can make love
And feel every detail of the other
Or you can ****
And leave in the morning for another

Your love was a big lie

Full of promises

And crippled with shortcomings

Beaten down by pretty words

Shattered by desire



It felt warm to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was cold and unflinching

Only revealed to me

After everything was said and done



Your love was a heavy load

Weighing me down

And settling on my chest

Breaking every fragile rib

Until I could no longer breathe



It felt soft to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was sharp and treacherous

I only figured it out

After I was covered in blood



Your love was a fleeting moment

A breakneck affair

With no time to hesitate

You were here and then gone

Blowing my hair in your leftover wind



It felt lovely to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was ugly and vicious

Only discovering the truth

When it was too late



Your love was a big lie

A heavy load

A fleeting moment

A love that on the surface

Was warm, and soft, and lovely

But when I finally uncovered all your falsities

I couldn’t even stand to look at the man

I had fallen for.

You were all the shades of purple
Violet petals blowing in the wind
Mauve smashed grapes between toes
Plum like bruises on bent backs

You melted into the hues of blue
Cornflower sky vibrant in July
Teal waves bombarding the coast
Navy like jeans with grass stained knees

You faded into the tones of green
Olive leaves on thick trunked trees
Lime frogs hopping on branches
Chartreuse like fresh cut kiwi

You gave into the tints of yellow
Golden sunrises on the horizon
Khaki canvases stretched thin
Canary like lemon drops on tongues

You were all the shades of orange
Tangerine bonfires at midnight
Rusty nails twisted into planks
Amber like dripping honey bee hives

You darkened into all the hues of red
Cherry slick tabletops in a diner
Rosy cheeks flushed from the cold
Pomegranate like bricked suburban houses

You waned into the tones of pink
Magenta cotton candy stuck to lips
Coral reefs blooming on the seafloor
Peach like skin after a day at the beach

You disappeared into the tints of white
Powdery snow on concrete ground
Cream goosebumps on silky thighs
Ivory like teeth through pursed mouths

And in sharp contrast, became black
Obsidian rocks at the volcanic base
Charcoal soot stuck under fingernails
Onyx like the deepest darkest night

She tiptoed on ivory
and ebony piano keys
every Sunday as he sat in pews.
And sometimes, heavy-footed,
the sounds rang angry through the crowd
and the empty church halls
as she asked God,
“Why she wasn’t as
worthy as him?”

Maybe you said it once
And breathed it quietly in my ear
As we sat in your freezing car
Parked in front of the library
The roads were slick
But you were slicker
Handing out compliments like candy

Maybe you said it a couple of times
Over and over on the telephone
As we both laughed into the receiver
Me picturing your smile with every word
The connection was weak
But I was weaker
Falling head first into you

Maybe you said it a thousand times
And held my face in your hands
As we laid in that twin sized bed
Your body pressed against my own
The room was warm
But you were warmer
Moving for the first time in sync

But maybe you never said it at all
Or at least you never meant it
As you said this was the last time
Standing on the other side of the room
The air was heavy
But I felt heavier
Fracturing me piece by piece

i put the sketches
that god created of us
side by side
and i had trouble
finding where you began
and i ended
as if he moved quickly from me
thick lined and stubborn
to you
graceful and tender
we bled together
our outlines taking coarse shape
two halves
of the same whole
cosmically joined together
like distant stars
flashing the same tone
of light
against
the dark abyss

She was confounding
Complete, but perfectly incomplete
An oxymoron, a double negative, a hypocrite
She only drank water that came from a bottle
And refused to eat anything that wasn’t stamped USDA organic
Her hands always sat motionless when she spoke
But her mouth moved in tremendous circles with every word
She disliked notoriety but craved attention
Her chest heaving and fingers tapping to the loud music
Her hair, disheveled and uncombed, sat static on her shoulders
Eyes bright and engaged, she eagerly awaited for her friends
At a bar on a Friday night, she was alone
And all I wanted was to know her name

If you asked me what it felt like
I would say it felt like rain
Not the misty kind or the pitter-patter kind
But the downpours
The rain that lulls you to sleep
As it beats against the windows
That bursts from the clouds
And falls into your open hands
The rain that pools on sidewalks
And gets in your shoes
That rushes loudly into drains
And overflows neighborhood streets
The rain that turns everything green
After a particularly harsh winter
That clings to your skin
And drips from your wet hair
It drenches me
Soaks me through
Until all I can do is think about you

you promised sweet smiles
like gumdrops and buttercups
a taste so **** it makes your lips pucker
just at the thought of it

you promised creature comforts
like breakfast in bed
a smell so familiar it feels like home
just at the thought of it

you promised vast visions
like bright white night stars
a sight so tremendous it makes your eyes spark
just at the thought of it

you promised magnificent music
like lullabies and quiet goodnights
a sound so playful it makes your ears perk
just at the thought of it

you promised deep desire
like red velvet roses
a touch so soft it makes your skin rise
just at the thought of it

but you also promised future memories
like holidays and yellow houses
a promise so broken it makes your heart hurt
just at the thought of it

she waited for him to erase her
as he put his pencil to paper
and created her
he traced the upturn of her smile
precisely picturing the laugh that proceeded
he sketched out the smoothness of her legs
intentionally illustrating the eagerness inside
he outlined the curve of her shoulders
carefully capturing the sadness contained
he shaded in the color of her hair
deliberately detailing her fallen darkness

in his eyes
she was more beautiful
than she could ever see herself
but with every stroke
she flinched
fearing that only inches away
from his creation
was her demise

in the beginning
you were the color yellow
like simple supple sunflowers
or loose leftover lemon drops
your yellow nature
soon turned to red
like raptured rusted roses
or cheeky clever cherries
after the red faded
you turned purple
like perfect plump plums
or lacy lonely lavender
deeper in purple you grew
until you turned blue
like idle isolated irises
or bloated bellied blueberries

then you went darker
and turned black
in the end,
i could no longer see your color
if you were still yellow
like sandy sunlit shorelines
or red
like ***** lucid longing
or purple
like regal reveled royalty
or blue
like salty simple seas

you were just black

You poured down
Like a rainstorm
On a warm August night
Soaked dry clothes through
In your careless wake
Leaving me drenched in you
You were damp
On my skin
Weighing me down
Pulling me deep under
Until all I could do was tread water
And drown in you

You flew overhead
Like a baseball
Hit by a shy rookie
On opening night
Moved quick like lightning
And soared above the stands
You were out of reach
Out of my hands
Collecting hundreds of eyes
Raising people to their feet
Until you were out of sight
And disappeared completely

You burst forth
Like a firework
On the 4th of July
Full of color and light
Causing oohs and awes
From a captivated crowd
You were loud
In my ears
Cracking apart my doubts
Amplifying love instead
Until the show was over
And you grew quiet in the silence

You drew in
Like a painting
Birthed by a masterclass
With strokes of yellow and blue
Oils bleeding together
And colors blending into one
You were confounding
Out of my grasp
Receiving praise from the gallery
Applause from your admirers
Until you became famous in the afterglow
And forgot about your biggest fan

You left behind
Like an earthquake
Of the greatest proportions
With buildings toppled over
Car alarms blaring in the street
And rubble lying at my feet
You were gone
But took a second look back
To survey the damage you made
Estimate the cost of repairs
Until you held the pieces of me in your hands
And let them fall between your open fingers

I gave food the power in my life
and watch it completely destroy me.

“Does it pick me apart piece by piece?
Or does it eat me
in perfectly portioned bits?
Does it scarf me down?
Or does it daintily
pluck at me with lush lips?
Does it stay awake at night?
Or does it just
eat me completely carefree?”

I wonder why I gave it all this thought
and why I let it turn into such an assault.

I'm full of emotion

All tip topsy turvy

With laughter billowing

Out of my pursed lips

And the sun is beating down

Through the half-down windows

Of your beat up Chevy truck

As it bounces down these country roads

Your hand loosely grips

The black leather steering wheel

While the other hand precariously

Balances a cigarette between *******

The wind jostles the truck

As you increase your speed

You look at me wildly

Daring me to tell you to stop

Instead, I look back

Studying every fraction of your face
Knowing this would be the last time

That this would be my memory of you

 
 
Wild, free, and beautiful

Daring life to take you away.

you were freckled
by the sun and your genes
and every time you looked at me
oh, i felt weak in the knees

and its not like i couldn't see
the flaws in your design
the warning signs
or the gears turning in your mind

but i chose to ignore them
because it might be over now
but i'll always have that summer
settled in your freckled arms

You were a freelancer
which makes sense looking back.
Your approach to your craft
mirrored how you treated your knickknacks.
A menagerie of numbers in your contacts;
how you picked and chose who to call back.

I wonder if you ever felt ashamed
in those brief periods of idleness.
Did your hands grow restless?
Which notification was most missed?
I’m pretty positive
it wasn’t mine.

I know I’m not who I used to be

But there’s a part of me that’s still her

A girl who likes in yellow brush strokes

But loves in the deepest blue

Who makes a fool out of herself

And pours out her soul

To the ones she loves most

Who writes down the words

And feelings that crowd her heart

Displayed on a computer screen

Who always says I love you first

And waits patiently for the words

To return to her

Who wears her heart on her sleeve

And kisses your bruised knees

Cares too deeply, smothers too tightly

Who misses you when you’re gone

And hesitates to tell you the truth

“Is this too much too soon?”

Who falls too hard, too fast

But loves the way you look at her

From across the room



I could choose not to tell you

Because I’m afraid of who I used to be

But for now, I think I’ll tell you the truth

And that has to be enough for me.

I've loved many boys
With different colored eyes
But the way I remember them is
By the shape of their hands

The way their thumbs curved
Or how their palms felt against my own
The weight of them on my thighs
Or how they ran through my hair

The times they zipped up my dress
And settled on my shoulders
The moments when they grazed my own
As they handed me my keys

The motion of them as they spoke
And the motionless of them when they were silent
The smoothness of them in the beginning
And the calluses after time had passed

Sometimes, I forget the faces of these boys
Or the way their voice sounded over the phone
But I'll never forget the way it felt
With their hands intertwined in my own

You were afraid to let me in
Into the dark caverns of your mind
The spaces you've been ashamed of
The places you've been told to hide
I wandered precariously in
Took my time with every step
Careful not to disturb the littered ground
And ran my fingers along the rocky walls
Took long breaths of you
And sensed all pain and heartbreak
Pierce through my thin skin
Frightened, I faltered and stepped back

But once the walls were illuminated
I discovered the complex depths of you
The nooks and crannies of your heart
The things you've always held so close
Felt them as if they were my own
Pouring through my own hidden spaces
And it occurred to me in that very moment
How I've never loved you more.

There are two sides to me:

The one I present to the world,

And the other that I try to keep to myself.

 
The one who sings in the car

With the volume maxed out

And the other who screams at the top of her lungs

When she needs to quiet

All the thoughts running through her head


The one who can't stop laughing

With tears forming in her eyes

And the other whose hands shake uncontrollably

When she gets angry

Revealing to the world just how upset she is


The one who loves sunshine

With not a single cloud in sight

And the other who never wants to go out

When the act of just walking out the door is

Like pulling teeth


The one who talks your ear off

With meandering anecdotes

And the other who shuts down

When the idea of loneliness

Seems like the better option

 
The one who isn't embarrassed to smile

With her imperfect teeth

And the other who hides behind pursed lips

When she can't stand for anyone

To see any part of herself


The one who dances in her bedroom

With the moonlight filtered through the blinds

And the other who lays alone at night

When its too late and she's too tired

From crying for hours


There are two sides to me:

The one I want you to see

And the other that I hope you never do.

If I drew a line from me to you
It would cross deep blue oceans
And deserts and maple-leafed forests
It would cut through prairies
And part fields of bright bloomed flowers
It would loop enormous circles
And corkscrew around hundred-story buildings

It would tremble in the rain
And wobble and waver in the wind
It would buckle under pressure
And bend and break against our will
It would erode with time
And leave a trail of us behind
It would be the only thing left of us two
If I drew a line from me to you

I had met you once before
Years ago in high school halls
With backpacks and bustling teenagers
Acne and doubt plaguing the lot of us
A place we said we all hated
But the figurative watering hole
Of our small Texas town
I paid you little to no attention
Too self-absorbed to see you
And seemed to have lost you in the shuffle
Of weary letterman teens

I grew up
And out of that Texas town
Fell in and out of love
And struggled on my own two feet
Trying to find a home and heart that fit

I met you again
In the airport at luggage claim
With backpacks and bustling people
Fatigue and nerves plaguing the lot of us
A moment I played in my mind
Over and over again
And when I finally saw you
Bright-eyed and in love with me
I found you again in the shuffle
Of weary jet-lagged passengers

I fell in love with you
In that very moment
And as you held me against you
I found the home
I was always searching for

Human life is so flawless, yet so formless
Bending it’s way to fit into reality
It can mold itself into
A blonde bombshell model type
Or a chunky kid who loves to play Fortnite
Your dog groomer down the street
Or the mild-mannered barista you weren’t very kind to

It can bubble and warp into
The tallest man in the world
Or a newborn baby in a crib
Your crotchety sweatered grandpa
Or billions of people on the pursuit of happiness

I wonder if the ability to morph
Is humanity’s greatest triumph;
The beautiful power
To continuously change our shape.

There’s a soft sound to it:
the way your bare feet touch the floor,
or the way your hair falls into your eyes,
or how you sigh right before you fall asleep.

There’s an eager emotion to it:
the way your mouth quivers after a kiss,
or the way your eyes look as you lean in close,
or how you push your body into mine.

There’s a fleeting feeling to it:
the way your keys jangle as you walk out the door,
or the way your toothbrush never stays more than a day,
or how you’re too kind to wake me when you leave.

There’s a rare reality to it:
the way your phone lights up with texts from her,
or the way your voice sounds telling me you’ll be late,
or how you haven’t been around in weeks.

i caught perfection
my hands awash in a masterpiece
but when i finally held you close
i became waterlogged in you

i tested your waters
dipped my toes in your coldness
but when i finally jumped in
i swallowed gallons of your turquoise
i bathed in your beauty
soaked in your cerulean shores
but when i finally let your tide take me
i drowned in your shallow end
i swam through your depths
deep-dived your current blues
but when i thought i finally hit your seafloor
i suddenly found myself in your abyss

i caught perfection
my hands wet with greatness
but when i finally realized your worth
i knew you had slipped just out of reach

Sometimes, I like to forget
you were ever me.
That the girl in the mirror
ceased to even exist.

Her skeletons,
she kept cautiously hidden.
But her heartbreak
was thrown to the world to be seen.

Sometimes, I feel so sorry
for the girl in those memories.
How lonely
it must have been.

I wonder how many parties
I chose to miss?
How many boys did I
never get the chance to kiss?
The friends I could have made;
the connections I left delayed.

All because I was scared...
because being alone felt safer instead.

I’m not a poet
But I can write you a poem
Compare your eyes to silver seas
And make metaphors out of your laugh

I’m not a painter
But I can paint you a painting
Color your skin in flesh tones
And surround your light in shadows

I’m not a chef
But I can cook you a feast
Savor the soft taste of you
And gorge on the fruits of your love

I’m not a sculptor
But I can build you out of clay
Smooth out your weary imperfections
And mold you into what you want to create

I’m not a singer
But I can carry a tune for you
Hold your falsetto in pleasure
And growl my way through your baritone

I’m not an artist
But I can make art out of you
Put you up on display
And showcase the beauty that is you

we kissed in a midsummer rain
as fireworks boomed in the background
you tasted ****
like the hard candy
melting in the pocket of your jeans
the lights twinkled in the sky
and shimmered in your eyes
as a million tiny explosions
took me by surprise

my eyes were tired from crying
as i sat on the edge of the hotel bed
with covers bundle at the foot
and you breathing softly on the other end

our clothes were scattered on the floor
a t-shirt here, a sweater there
reminding me of a passion
that ceased to exist

and light filtered through the blinds
creating monochromatic stripes on your back
coloring you in black and white
like a old photograph

i wanted to reach out and touch you
feel the warmth of your skin
but the room smelled of ***
and tear filled regret

morning came so quickly
as you slept and I lingered
in the final night of pretending
we were still us

You laid out crisp white towels
All over the cold tile floor
Our very own continent of ice
Antarctica in the kitchen

You had drawn the blinds
Over the plane glass windows
Our very own prison for two
Alcatraz in the suburbs

You pressed your hands together
Gripping sharp words between them
Your very own brandished knives
Weapons of great power

You dressed in a plastic suit
Preparing for the blood bath ahead
Your very own contained quarantine
Shields of polyethylene

You spoke the words
Cutting me right down the middle
My very own personal mitosis
Annihilation in the suburbs

You stood looming over me
Finishing the messy job
My very own ****** scene
Homicide in the kitchen

you ever look into the mirror
and love what you see
well, i know i do
because i know what skinny meant to me

it meant the dress actually fit
and i can button those pants
no more double digits
screaming at me on sewed tags

it meant a scale didn’t scare me
every time i went to the doctor
i could look at the number
and not cry about it later

it meant loving the way you look
but hating the way you feel
knowing what it took to get there
knowing how long it will take to heal

knowing it means a pack a day
stuck between my teeth
the smell of cigarettes
wafting off my skin

it means no food tuesday
and thursday and sunday too
and binging on the space
left in between

it means bent over a toilet bowl
with a finger down my throat
and running the faucet next to me
so no one has to hear

you ever look into the mirror
and hate what you see
well, i know i do
because i know what skinny means to me