Evening air and dry text replies
It is a cold winter day
in the midst of July.

Clear and loud silence
surrounding her steps.
The sudden reflex to deflect.

A random call. A sudden ‘yes’.
Opening door, a familiar face.
Same old, same old.. exhausting exchange.

Dancing hands, usual soulless gaze.
Curious hands, hypnotising embrace.
Rushing hands, the usual regret.

Lust overdoses, her soul feels sore
Another heart rash. Regret. Repeat. Regret.
emotional hangover,   unread morning-after text.

I wanted to explore your mind
When all you wanted was to explore my body.  
Was it even real?

And when you turned around
disdain in your eyes
and said “what’s the matter with you?”
I knew.

And when, during an argument,
you said “if that’s the way you want to twist things”
you reminded me of my father
and I knew then too.

And then, when the elevator opened, when you turned and walked away
because I answered your question honestly,
I knew
that what was once beautiful was merely the situation
and the joy, pleasure, delight
was mine alone
and nothing
to do
with you.

Dari dua
Kupilih satu
Yang mula
Daripadamu

Sebab main main main main
Lalu jatuh
Endap lain lain lain batin
Baru runtuh

Anggap bodoh pemain lama
Kalau jodoh takkan kemana

Keruh
Apa rasaku palsu
Alpa jujurmu bisu
Biar resah di lembah ragu
Atau nyata sungguh lugu

Jangan lagi kau cari aku
Karena aku si paling batu

it would've been a month of voice messages,
delusions, and silly advances.
but on the 26th day,
i'm still on the way.

every time i pass by any train,
or the skies prevent to pour the rain,
26 days of crippling pain,
now numb, hopeless,
yet still a crackbrain.

no one seems to fill the void you left
but they elude me from that silent altercation
you were probably the best choice
even on the 26th day of separation

have you forgotten that fast,
or probably i didn't linger enough?
i should've pressed my nails deeper onto your arms
i should've kissed you against the alarm

maybe if the train ride lasted longer,
maybe if the sunset wasn't purple,
maybe if we didn't dream the ugly denouements,
maybe there would be a 33rd day.

I raced for you like shelter
Until I realised you were the storm
And I could’ve been anything in the world
But all I wanted to be was yours

You knew I was fragile
But you dropped me anyway
And even still it never took much of me to love you,
But it took all of me to leave you

k.g.

that was the most turbulent, gut-eating feeling i have had in the last five years; or maybe, my mind made it so. coming from a stagnant relationship, built through years of falling apart—every possible connection is amplified, feeling anew. or maybe, i was just sad. i let impulse run my mind, i let delusions eat me, i let my heart decide—all of it to end abruptly, in a torrid snap.

"it's fine, it's only been five days," i said, with bitterness and gratitude gritting through my teeth. spare teenage hormones and angst filling the chat. my replies were not rational at all. "maybe we're just sad and ****", you said, quoting my pretentious nonchalant words.

"it's fine, but why did you have to lead me on like that?" and i pressed send, only to find out i was already blocked.

you didn't have to take me out, watch the sunset with me, or even hold my ******* hand, or be the most fictional character to ever grace my life. you didn't have to outdo all of the dates i've ever been to. i was vulnerable, too kind to spend a whole monday with you. you said you were obsessed with me—but dropped me like that hot chicken wing.

"i loved the idea of us", you said, but probably not with me.