I found your bracelet in my underwear drawer.
I put it there because I wanted it to be surrounded by delicate things,
And it reminded me of the way you pushed back that blue hair
With one fell swoop.
It reminded me of the gentle way you'd wrap me
In your arms and whisper in my cold ears,
"You're my best friend."
It reminded me of the way you so softly laid in that tub,
Porcelain skin shining and glassy doll eyes.
You were delicate.
Like the way those soft pin ****** lined your fleshy skin
I wanted what was left of your delicacy,
To be surrounded by beauty.
Because beauty is only found in pictures now
And delicacy is only how you live inside my chest.

I'm sorry I can't get out of bed in the morning.

My head is so full of thoughts, always a mess.

I'm sorry I'm quiet a lot,

I don't like to talk in front of my peers.

I'm sorry I'm distant a lot.

I feel like I disappoint everyone who I know.

I'm sorry I'm sad, and have to go to therapy.

I can express my feelings there, when I'm sad.

I'm sorry I want to end my life,

Things just aren't the same anymore.

There’s something sadistic about cigarettes,
and the way they fondled your hands
like the way you used to ****** me,
hard and rough.
There’s something sadistic about the way they ****,
slow and steady,
like your words and how you purred them into my ears.
Their smell, coats and lingers for what can seem like years.
Just like your Old Spice body and strawberry scented hair,
because 4 years later the scent sticks to my nostrils
like a child clings to their mother.
There’s just something sadistic about the way a cigarette can look so **** good on you.
A fashion accessory, licensed to ****

I
trembling fingers write
with every emotion 
lied to myself again tonight
not another day to waste
meanings start to blur
in the in-betweens 
of music heard with me
now musings for another

now is this the most fun
you had in your life
wasted youth, everyday
nooses and strings
nothing gets through you

-
nothing else matters
like another lie you tell yourself
tonight, like every night
you drown yourself in hate
you drown, you are never found 
you drown yourself in hate

II
now isn't it the most fun
you had two weeks in
stomping on the ground
on which i have weeded out
all the mistakes myself
to blame you 
marching on the love i had
i found with you

every word is a mistake
every chance is a let down to myself
every memory is unforgiving
eat your words and spit out new mistakes
you drown yourself in hate

-
nothing else matters
like another lie you tell yourself
tonight, like every night
you drown yourself in hate
you drown, you are never found 
you drown yourself in hate

III
try and fix yourself
set yourself apart from the world
did you find what you were looking for?
did you gain the world instead?
you live with all but no regrets
but in the end, you see the truth

you are what you hate in yourself
you drown yourself in hate
in lies, in guilt you drown
you are all that i hated in me
you were all that i loved

-
nothing else matters
like another lie you tell yourself
tonight, like every night
you drown yourself in hate
you drown, you are never found 
you drown yourself in hate
you drown yourself in hate

today i’ll wake up and see the sun
set apart my soul from what was
the ghost you left with me
you drown, you are never found
you drown yourself in hate
you drown yourself in hate