The pills
**** my creativity
  when the seratonin flows
   the poetic juices run dry

Why am I hungry
While I sit and eat my food?
And why am I cold
Bundled up by the heater?
Why do I tell him,
Aware that I'm not alone,
"I think I'm lonely."?
Am I supposed to fall
When now I've grown wings?
Or am I to crawl
When my legs can walk again?
I thought I could see
With eyes opened to the light,
But darkness returns.
Is it just me, or is this
The empty, chilled night
Where loneliness is granted
As effort's reward?
When will the new flowers bloom
Where I planted them?
Will I stand alone again,
Like I did before
When I fell back on nothing,
Lost in confusion?
Or will this dark be broken
To bring me dawn, eyes open?

Won't you keep me dizzy so that I stop spinning
Out of all control when I'm alone

And won't you keep me busy so that I stop snoozing
All the day away when I'm at home

Sing to me, Sera
We're calling you back home
Prozie, Addie, all of our old friends.
Sing to me, Sera
Please don't leave me alone
I want to look at my life through your lens.

At the young age of three
My brother said to me
"I wish I got hit by a car"
My thoughts wandered far

Why would a child?
Have thoughts so vile?
I didn't comprehend
That this wasn't the end.

At the age of 14
I typed on a screen
"I want to jump off and die,
I'm ready to meet my demise"

I understood the pain
My brother held in his brain
No wonder life felt drab
When I couldn't even feel sad.

And yesterday, at 11 years
My youngest brother told me crying tears
"I want to jump off something tall
I want to die, I feel so small"

I hugged him tight
Kissed his cheek
Told him life, does seem real bleak

But these thoughts,
I've had them too
And your brother
And grandmother
And my mother
It runs in our blood
To feel so alone
But together we're strong
So please don't go.

why is every poem about drowning?
crashing, falling, dissolving
why is everyone drowning?
an entire generation
pulled in by the tides of mental illness
why do we all hate ourselves?
was it the way we were raised?
or are we proof
that the theory of evolution is false
if survival of the fittest is true
then why do so many of us want to die?
a generation of sad
sad kids
betrayed by the chemicals
in their own brains
drowning
crying out
for seratonin

I love OD'ing on sunlight when I wake up
grab some OJ and go lay in the soft grass, and tell the birds to carry on
their light conversations and noisy chitchat above my closed eyes
open head - delve into me
the grass probably itches if I pay attention, but who cares
I can't restrain my limbs any longer
no more hanging in limbo with excuse of pain and no gain
I can't remember why I'm naked but
I always feel naked around you
I've always been naked under these clothes

My brain is dashing ahead, though I stop and gaze inward and upward
The trees could be mocking me, but they're probably just as happy to be themselves as I am
so I follow suit and reach up to ask for mutual attraction from the sky
and we start a new day
time to function
back to the grind
my gears shift and the grey leaks back into my veins
time to function
(but once you've overdosed on daylight, you're never the same)