I don’t understand why you love me
I don’t think I ever will
where I see stretch marks
because my stomach swelled
you see change
where I see scars
because life was too much
and I needed to release some of the agony inside me
you see healing
where I am disgusted
you are patient
and sit with me in my pain
and ask to hold my hand

I don’t understand why you love me
I don’t think I ever will
but I understand that you do
and even when your love is beyond me
and I am scared of it
I will be patient
and I will sit with you in my discomfort
and ask to hold your hand

i freeze over
when i attempt to visualize giving myself
even an ounce of compassion

i would have to consider myself worthy
worthy of kindness
worthy of love
worthy of a home
worthy of life

i do not remember when i last felt i deserved compassion

it may have been when i was young
my foolish heart believed in the body for which it beat
until it broke
and broke
and broke

i am told i wear wisdom well
as if wisdom is a new coat that i tried on
instead of ancient scars under the fresh fabric

i did not choose
this

i plead with my reflection
even though we are both holding a knife
please
let me live
let me rest

but the villain lunges, slashing wildly, drawing blood
a hit
a palpable hit

I'm in the process of banishing demons from my body.

You can see these scars on my skin,
where evil once settled in,
but now, let my healing begin.

I banish cruel words from my kingdom,
I free myself from wrong touch,
I cover my walls in strong ivy,
I tear myself away from your clutch.

I run t'wards the ocean before me,
I swallow the sun in great gulps.

I'm making a sanctuary,
a home,
and a safe place,

A place that is just for myself.

You kiss the sports
with the fresh scars.
Though you don't know about them,
you kiss them ever so gently.

it's me isn't it?!
i speak -
     things
                 fall
                         apart
i don't mean it -
      i'm
              covered
                               in
                                      scars
i hold my tongue -
     i'm
             losing
                         who
                                   you
                                             are -
                                           you're
                                           losing
                                             me
i say i'm sorry -
     it's
           not
                   my
                           fault -
                 but
                   i
               know
         it
   is
i walk away -
    leave
                the
                          things
                               ­          i
                                              tore
            ­                                             apart
                                                            to
 ­                                              c
                                        r
                     ­                        a
                                  c
                           ­          k
                               l
                      e
and
          b
                    u
 ­                                 r
                              ­                 n

can i apologise again?
     no.

       the
          damage
                       is
                         done

you've
found
the
p
r
o
b
l
e
m.