2:03 am 1/07/16*
Stream of consciousness
My head is exploding and voices are screaming in my head
I lay here in a frozen bed amongst frozen sheets and icy skin and my frozen mind begins to gnaw at my insides and claw and claw and claw*


My nose is cold and hands are shaking... Breathe in breath out
Moments of clarity and disparity
You took my hand when you should have let me drown
My room is the same temperature as the stars outside and I'm here staring out my window watching my hot breath fog the cars and I'm screaming at the hidden sun asking why
it always sets behind the tall trees and I wonder
Because if I was a sunset id cast along the sea... I cast my rays until I made sure everyone could see but then I realized.... And I made myself sick
A humble sun never
wanted to lure
A humble sun was there when you needed something to hope for
But is dark
The sky is cold
My skin burns
The pain has once awakened me
but the wind has seeped
into my veins
numb
Lifeless
To hell they said
But what for....
Darling,
it seems I'm already dead

I'm so glad I was a kid
Before social media Took over
Because now it seems like people love going viral
Using any means to get over

I mean I'm 19 and I figured out faster
That anything you post up won't go away, not now or ever and you can't fix a child's pride with plaster

Now I'm not saying don't be strict with your kids
But keep discipline where it's supposed to be,  BEHIND CLOSED DOORS if you don't want them behind bars doing a bid

I hate reading articles about 13 year old girls ending their lives
Because their parents felt the need to document a bad day inside the home for the world to see

Its hard feeling disconnected, feeling unable to replace the pieces that have been torn apart. Although they are not necessarily torn, or broken, they are bent. They are bent like me, like my brain, like my heart, like my soul, like the bones in my back that have never healed, like the pain in my neck when I lay still in bed.

Finding a solution to a problem isn’t always the best option, but feeling confident is.
I wonder how famous people feel when they realize the only obstacles they have ever had to accomplish were:

1. Reaching fame some how

2. What the general population thinks of their latest scandal

I wonder how my mom still think she’s the greatest person on earth when she isn’t really capable of understanding how I feel, or understanding anything in the realm that doesn’t involve her.

I wonder how my father can be single for 17 years now and never really looked at anyone else, I wonder why he is so reserved, why I’ve never met his friends, why I always question where he is or if he really loves me.

I wonder why the boy I love lays silent when we argue, but jumps to spend quality time with the neighbor downstairs, I wonder why we aren’t how we used to be, why he doesn’t notice when I’m sad anymore. I wonder where the spark in his eyes went. Maybe it was left in New Mexico.
My best friend is detached, and I’m trying trying trying to be there for her. But what do you do when someone is too absorbed in believing things about themselves that it is impossible to help them, impossible to make them feel any better about themselves. 

I spend too much money on drug-store nail polish just to pick it off my nails 4 hours later. I would be writing but there’s no pen in this apartment. The only pen I owned has disappeared. But spending my money on pens doesn’t really seem ideal.

I hate the taste of thick dense beer because it makes my chest clench up. I’m tired of people telling me I need to not be so picky, or “close-minded.”

I hate the word close-minded

I don’t like thick beer because it hurts my chest

Just the same way I don’t like boys who break hearts

But I don’t like girls who break hearts either

and I’m… Well I’m a heartbreaker

So I guess I should add my name on the list of all the people who hate me because that makes sense right? Instead of being a hypocrite, maybe

I kinda lost my train of thought

and now here I am

feeling disconnected, 

from life,

from friends, 

from me.

I am uncomfortable

I often wonder how much of human behavior is determined by the society in which someone is raised.

On one hand nostalgia has provided such a warm comfort within the constraints of my culture,
but on the other hand I've always been steadfast against nationalism.

Your society can, and often will, keep you in the dark, america (modern society in general) is a model example of such.

Most people would be content watching television with a fast food dinner of hotdogs or chicken nuggets their whole life,
but try to feed them the feet, brains, intestines, even bugs ground up and processed to produce such national treasures,
and they'd be running the other way, calling for a health inspector who would find nothing out of the ordinary.

It brings into question the very foundations of our reasoning.
What is right, what is wrong, what are we supposed to want out of life?

From eating, to learning, to working, to mating, nothing is set in stone.

If we're going off of what is purely human, the only truths are eat, sleep, ****, and ****.
Sometimes we can't even manage all of these.

These thoughts are filtering through my head now because for sometime I've been seeking a lifestyle "off grid",
and I've had to break down the way of thinking I've been taught is right, crazy has become sanity.

Birth
School
More School
Career
Single long term monogamous relationship
Retirement (if lucky)
Death
"Afterlife"

Now birth and death I can get behind, but as for the rest of it, I'm just not sure.

Agriculture, industrial revolution, private property
all for the advancement of our species, right?

But is this where we're supposed to be, what, who?

What about egalitarianism, what about I am he, as you are he, as you are me, and we are all together?
Hunting, gathering, sharing what you have, trading for what you need, one for all and all for one.

What's mine is yours because we are both stuck on this planet, in this time, in this life, and we all deserve to live.
My food, my home, my mate, my heart, my mind, what little we each have to offer,
why would you hoard? To live is to love, am I wrong?

I don't know.
But I'm working on it

We always looked so happy but I’m starting to realize we never were. Maybe we were lonely and that’s why we said our “i love you”s . Maybe all the words were empty because I know for sure the promises were. This pain can’t be explained. When you love someone so much, it makes you vulnerable. I gave him everything I had. Every hope, every pain, I showed him my entire past, and I welcomed him into my entire future. I gave him so much.. but he gave me just enough to get by. The stupid part is, I still love him more than life. My heart ******* aches with his absence and it will only get worse with time. We could fix this. We could work together and make this better but he isn’t ready. He isn’t ready for anything. Everything I do is with good intentions for him, but where does that leave me? So so so utterly devoted to a man who won’t take a simple risk to save our relationship. He says he doesn’t know who he is and he is still figuring it out, but he knows one thing for sure. He is certain he wants to be with me. Yet how in the **** should I believe that? He changes his mind like the weather. One minute he loves spring and the next he wants to be frozen to the winter floor. But does he realize that whatever he chooses, I will be there too? If he wants flowers and sunshine then that is where we will go. If he wants to freeze in the snow, well then I guess I will be just as cold. He needs his privacy and time to himself. He needs structure and to have rules to follow. He says he want a forever, but he puts no effort into creating one. I want to go with him, no matter where it may be. But it seems to me he would much rather leave on his own. Why can’t he think of me for once. Why does he think it is okay to leave me in this burning hell without him. How is this called love. How dare we smile and pretend things are okay when in reality I can’t even breath. I have given this man so much of my heart and I have look past every odd quirk he has, yet he can’t give me what is best for us both. This relationship was all I had left. These pictures were my favorite. But its all down the drain now. He was my everything, my future. But now all I see in my future is a bottle of clonazepam and a nice warm bath, praying my body liquidizes enough to flow down the drain with all these emotions.

I'm done
Time and time again I do this
I do all this **** for people
And then I'm empty
My heart is drained of feeling
My mind doesn't want to think
I'm numb, yet everything still affects me
My soul is dried up, but sadness still dwells
When I hear someone ask a question
My brain screeches no and my tongue once again whispers yes
The exhaustion of just being around people is sickening
I don't ask for help anymore
I don't want to be a burden, but most of all, I can't bear to lose anyone else
I'm sensitive and I get attached easily
I need one person in my life who will be there forever
And that's nearly impossible to find
So here I am, continuing to drain myself
Until there's nothing but a pile of bones