I hate past tense.
It means that it’s already happened, it’s done, and most of the time it won’t happen again.
Most of all I hate that I’m going to have to learn how to use past tense to describe you.
You deserve to be in present tense.
You deserve to be funny, to be smart, to be passionate.
Instead,
You were funny, you were smart, you were passionate.
So I’m going to keep using present tense to describe the things you did until I can come to terms with past tense.
I do know one thing, though:
You never past-tense ‘loved’ me,
You present-tense ‘love’ me.
And that will never change.

i remember the night it was supposed to snow
you called me on the phone
and we stayed up all night exchanging our thoughts as we waited for the first flake to drop
some nights i miss your voice and the times you’d call me in the middle of the night drunk at a bar just to see how i was doing
i could smell the liquor through the phone
i wish i’d let you kiss me that night but for some reason i didn’t let you
we drove all around in the night and i showed you my old house where i lived for not too long
you kept trying to make me laugh so you wouldn’t come off too strong
you told me about how your brother died
and i tried you keep you from crying
you kept grasping my fingers when silence fell in my car windows and started every sentence with my name
we went back and forth about the tragedies in our lives but didn’t play the blame game
we smoked a little bit and i parked my car not too far from where you slept
i wonder if that night is something that you kept
not with you always but from time to time
you kissed my cheek goodnight and called me the next morning
i can’t say i miss you
i wish we could’ve stayed friends
i think i should apologize
it’s always good to make amends
or maybe not
farewell urban

wake up, it's September again
time to love my friends and make amends with myself
i'm trying to gain altruistic ecstasy through things aside from wealth
from my hands i will rise and from my mind i will provide
i'm uncovering the distant parts of my heart that i let die
i'm an optimist with experience and i hope you don't ask why
a mischievous gust of wind sets my sails to another try
opened eyes and ears, surpassing over thought fears
i'm finally remembering how to get here
lost maps and closed hands
i’m opening up and lifting my head
contemplating this moment and releasing the dread
light fills me up and i can't come down
i wake up once again, only this time i'm found

I used to run freely,
To paths familiar and new,
When I was the best I could be,
But then I saw a different view.

I used to be fearless,
For I was brave and courageous,
I’ve been so careless,
Then everything was dangerous.

I used to be noisy,
Not minding what others say,
But it always felt happy,
And I refused to stay.

I used to be me,
The best I could be.

The only thing
that breaks my heart more
than realizing you don't love me
is the look on your face
when you confess to me
how much you used to.