Growing up,
my mother next to me.

Growing up,
years in darkness- filth, fear and pain.
A feral loneliness.

Growing up,
a revelation, a smile.
So amazing, some people would notice.

Growing up,
my trust shattered- a back stab from all I had left.

Fear, confusion and tears... anger.

Growing up,
I end up in a new home. Hopeful.
For a time.

Growing up,
Rocks at my back- my ears deaf as I am carried away.
My feet bleeding, holes in my smile.

The nurse yet confused- why was I there?

Growing up,
I ran away.
I find myself in this foster home- a lot of work and a few smiles.

Growing up... I stopped.
Back to that darkness I had to go, this time with my newfound experience.
I thought to rise against the odds- to instead fail.

Growing up were all my problems, my pain, my debts...

I now cry over them.
I wish I could be normal.
I... hate it.
I am tired...

Chest caught
Tight,
A pressure weighing
Nothing seemed this heavy before
Nothing was so precious before
My whole world has been flipped brought smack back intoo reality

Just breathe

A love so pure
So strong
So fierce
How can I muster the strength to wield such a strong and beautiful being

Just breathe

Your ailments become my own
Your achievements fill my my heart
Your presence brightens my darkest day
I am so blessed to have you in my life
I feel unworthy to call you my daughter

Just a breath could change everything.
To stop my chest growing so tight

Don't blame me father
My insatiable hunger for love and insecurities
When all you gave me was piles of paper
that I couldn't even burn to keep me warm
To melt the ice ***** you stuck in deep.

Do you remember what you did to me?

You threw me off like a burden to the fire
You drove her mad, so she hurls it out
All on me.

You laughed and told me I was mad, then
told me. **** it up. Don't tell me. Be a good daughter.
Take my money and leave.
I have all the gold but I don't know what it's like, Dad,
For a man to love me.

Don't shame me mother
For clinging onto strangers, eager to please
Shying away from you and all my responsibilities
You took all your hatred for him
And unleashed it all on me.

Did you remember what you did to me?

You wanted a daughter that wasn't me. I was too wild.
So you despised everything I loved
About me.

You said I don't ever do enough, I never please. But
I am not your puppet on a string
And you are not my priority.
I love you so much, Mum, but I am the happiest when you are
Not around me.

one must say, "I'm set"
for the noblest human role
of bearing a child
it is not just a fruit of
those nights we lack conviction

I often wonder about my own origin
I wonder how much of me is from just one woman
I also wonder if I am anything like the man
Does my DNA from her make me the good student I am
Does it explain my ever present sarcasm and attitude
I wonder if we have the same personality or mood
I wonder about my appearance and hers
Does her hair also fall down her back or shape her curves
Does it reflect in the same golden way that mine does
Does she also let hers grow too long just because

I know you from online
And from the few files I find
Is my height, or lack thereof, from you?
(After all, I'm only five foot two)
Do all my half siblings know of me, or just you?
Do you talk to my father? Does he want to meet too?

I meet you this week
17 years or 6,463 days
Not a moment too late
A reunion like an awkward first date
I was told to "expect nothing" from it
That I can easily call to just quit
But I know more everyday that I am ready
I want my family tree to be a little less webby

I want you to know I am not mad
I do not cry because I am sad
You are the reason I live the life I have
I cannot be more grateful for that

I understand the choice you made
That raising me was a price you had to pay
Your past is not something to regret
The questions I have are nothing to fret
You might fear the how's and why's
But they're the last thing on my mind
I just want to meet you for you
And to thank you for giving me the chance to live anew

The world is vast I see

Yet there is no where I wanna be


My yearning does not include this

All that is out there have been


Except that which was given to me

By that which comes within me


This little hand grasping me

Is a string that tugs deep within


All that is precious to me

Comes forth the day I call thee baby