Thyself it was to heal a heart distress'd,
Thine eyes were on me fixed to blow the pain,
When thou didst fill it lovingly, still ravaged,
Did I redeem the night of loving rain.

Those amative stares I can't recall,
believe me, for I've found my best choice.
Unhurt, a glance upon thee I stole,
For my belle, indeed me, with her love cloys.

She hath the pleasure to love me well enough,
Or a world of love she fostereth in her heart
For me; thou gavest of thine the gentlest bluff,
By playing with me with no fault on my part.

Thou cling'st to sheer agony day by day,
While seest my heart to her I gave away.

The boy who i knew years ago;
Who turned out to be my foe.

Watching me like a perv;
Only an insult i will serve.

I hope he understands the pain he gave not to lightly;
Cause the love i feel for him is only slightly.

I just want to be free and be only friends;
Before our life shortly ends.

I was going to write you a poem for Valentine’s Day. Nothing fancy, nothing over the top. Just cause I knew how much you liked my words. I didn’t expect to become so ill so quickly. I didn’t know that I would feel as though my gut had been braided tighter than corn rows. The problem is though, when I was ill, I lost control of myself. I became someone I wasn’t proud of. Someone who couldn’t trust. I wasn’t eating, hardly sleeping, and it made everything worse. I spiraled, lost myself and what I wanted most in the process. Cause when it came down to it, instead of shutting up I blew up. Total self-destruct. You wanted to see what my darkest parts were, well they only come out at the worst time. I’m not convenient. I’m not simple, I’m not easy. But I love you more than words can explain.

I’m not proud of my actions. Hell, I’d take it all back, complete 180°. Stress, anxiety, depression, these are issues I was supposed to leave you out of. I was able to talk, I was able to be alright with you hanging out with people other than me. It wasn’t until I noticed you held his blanket closer than you held my hands that I got scared, and all it would’ve taken is a simple moment of thought to figure out I was overreacting. I told you I was unstable, and you said it would be fine, that you loved me and wanted to be there for me. But I know well in my heart that every single person has their limits. I should never have expected you to survive the darkest parts of my mind when you yourself were having issues just getting me to listen to the other things that were bothering you.

Do you remember how you felt on Christmas? The love, the happiness, the peace. Or when we talked of a future now unforeseeable together? Perhaps you’ll remember when we lay there on New Years knowing we would have issues and fights, we thought we could make it through them. It looks like we were wrong. That’s the unfortunate part about words, they carry so very much power with them, but not a scrap of worth if actions cannot back them up. I told you I’d never hurt you, never make you angry. I did. You told me I couldn’t make you angry, that I couldn’t drive you away. I did. We said we’d work through anything, we’d be together forever, we’d love each other more than anything. We didn’t.

So now I am left to wonder, does your chest feel like it’s been cracked in, heart torn out not with scalpel and forceps, but with a violent hand? Does your brain scream my name in pain because you long to hear from me just another time? Do your eyes ache, still marching out more tears even though you’ve spent the last few weeks crying because mine do. Are you met with wishes to just talk to me but feel I’m too hurt to try, to weak to forgive, too lost to redeem?

When I hand you this, will you ever read as far as this sentence?

One by one they fall
The ones I thought
Were my friends
There they go,
Distancing themselves
From me,
Until they are completely gone
From sight
But not from mind

Every night I remember
The fallen faces
Once friends
Now death eaters
Devouring my
Malleable flesh

"You will never lose me"
The newest one to the
Fallen faces said just the night before
She lied, and stole my friend

One less from my already
Tiny group
Of people who "care" for me

I never know what I do
To deserve this from anyone
Maybe its my tone
My anger
The demons that let themselves loose
On the page

Or maybe it's the things that count
The things they know and see of me
The kindness I give to them
The love I give for all I care for
Or the horrible, despicable, evil
Things inside themselves,
That I protect them from

My malleable flesh
That they currode away
The flesh that
They know is weak
And know they can walk all over
Because of my overwhelming kindness

I don't know
Why I keep believing
When people say they won't leave
When they always do

My mother
Gives me my kindness
My father
Gives me the rage I throw
On pages and pages
But never show

My mother
The reason why I'm so malleable
My father
The reason why I have the dreams
Of killing, of yelling

Both
My depression

My mind now
Reworking all that has just happened
In it self
It organizes my thoughts
Replaying the events
Showing what to do next time

Re-Awakening itself
To now know
Not to trust those who
Show no effort
Who pretend to know
Who eventually, will be the others
In my dreams,
Of killing
In my writing,
Where all of my demons let loose.

I want to love all
Even thought I know
Not all will love me

You never speak-
just leave me guessing
for miles.
And when your gaze finally shifts,
you take a piece of me with you.
Where do you go?
I imagine sand dunes
spiraling away in a rough breeze
seemingly barren but where
do those particles go?
I imagine an oasis surrounded by
yellow wild-flowers
and nondescript birds,
except for the phoenix.
But, rather, that's where I go.
You, I think, find yourself
in the center of a vast ocean
surrounded by nothing-
no clouds above
no earth below, no creatures, no life.
Time just stands waiting
for you to make up your mind.
Then you look to me again-
I see one solitary vessel
reaching toward a dark iris.
You never speak,
but I always see.