i'll rip you out of my chest
but keep you in my smile.
the tears i gave you left
your laugh wants to stay awhile.
your eyes were the best
i've had them since i was a child.
you talked to death
now our distance is beyond miles.

You were small once.
With wide eyes.

You saw the world.
In an array of colours.

In another life.
You'd be a great inventor.

Instead you grew.
Too fast.
Too soon.

You were born.
To make mistakes.

If only you knew.
If only you flew.

To the world.
You became a flaw.

Your  life was jinxed.
From the beginning.

You weren't born a fighter.
Yet became one in chaos.

You lost everything.
You lost everyone.

Will they ever understand?
All you ever was trying to do?
Was help?

They'll never understand.
The reason you became,
Something else.

Crossing the room like an acrobat never touching ground.

Crazy Cat found my lap, landing without a sound.

Kneading my belly, claws in my skin, hurts like hell my little friend.

I grin and bare it, rubbing his head, Sinatra is saying it's time for bed.

He tucks his paws under his chin and casts his blue eyes on mine.

Goodnight, sleep tight, rest in peace baby boy, everything is fine.

The saddest part to me,
Is that I never truly understood,
Why you did the things that you did,
And the choices that you made.

Even after all this time,
It’s been about two years or maybe three.
Things still seem so surreal,
I don't think things will ever truly go back to the way they used to be.

You were seized by a monster,
A monster that never let you escape,
That monster we call addiction,
It comes in many different forms.
Whether smoking, or drinking, or abusing, or lying,
It can be anywhere at any time.

We all knew you had a problem,
It wasn’t a secret kept hidden from view,
You were smoking and drinking and losing yourself,
And there was nothing I could do.
I learned quickly to avoid addictions,
And my teacher was you.

I don’t quite know how long you had done this,
All I know is that I saw a lot,
I wished and I hope that you would change,
That maybe one day you would stop.

I know that you tried,
You were in a fight that was near-impossible to win.
Deep down you were fighting your hardest,
At least that’s what I hope you did.

Sometimes I would ask you why,
Why you never just quit,
As if I thought it was easy,
Now I know that you dug yourself a pit,
A deep pit.

God has given me a blessing,
I can’t stand cigarette smoke at all,
If I inhale just a little,
It gives me a headache and makes me feel like I’ll fall.

Christmases came and gone,
We’d have fun but then you would cough,
And cough, and cough some more.
Another harsh reminder,
Of what was in store.

You never looked well.
You always looked sick in the face.
You would ***** and some days never get to eat.
You would even sometimes struggle to catch your breath.

Sometimes you would try to talk to me,
And I could tell that you were drunk,
I would just ignore you,
Probably wasn’t the best thing to do.

You used to say funny things,
As funny as they were stupid,
You could always put a smile on my face,
Sometimes I miss those things you used to say.

Sometimes I would look at you,
And I wouldn’t see the uncle that I knew,
It was some dark facade you had made up,
From your pain, the alcohol and the cigarettes too.
I wanted nothing to do with you,
I felt betrayed and angry,
How dare you throw your life away,
You have a mother, a sister, a brother that love you,
Not to mention your nephews and nieces.
I thought that you were selfish,
That you didn’t care enough to change,
Sometimes I hated and resented you,
But now that’s no longer the case.

You were gone,
In the hospital,
Your body had had enough.
Mommom was at the house alone,
Things never felt the same.

No more witty sayings,
No more funny lines,
No more playing games,
No more fun times,
All of it shadowed by a thick coat of gray,
And now it was far too late.

I remember there was a time when you came back,
Thought maybe now you would finally change,
You had seen death’s door,
I hoped you wouldn’t stay the same.

I think you got a bit better,
I thought you had learned your lesson,
Guess I was wrong.

One day they found you,
Lying over your bed,
Head bowed, hands and fingers joined like you were praying,
You were dead.

Mom and Mommom were crying,
I didn’t believe it at first.
How could you be gone?
My brother was crushed.
Dad came to take us away,
As the police came inside the home,
A tragedy that hurt us all,
But the worst thing was,
I thought it was coming all along.

Christmas came around,
No funny lines or remarks to be made.
I think that’s when it hit me the hardest,
That and the fact that the house was so quiet,
It was like a nightmare you could not wake from.
This wasn’t a fallacy it was reality,
And I wasn’t in control.

So many questions went through my mind.
Why didn’t you just quit?
Why did you leave us behind?
The biggest one that stood out like a sore thumb,
Why didn’t you even try?

Your funeral came around,
Another body lowered into the ground.
There was plenty of sorrow to be found,
And from your room, not a sound.

When summer came the removal began,
First was all of the comics and other books.
Then was your furniture and bed.
The rest of the stained carpet was removed.
It looked like a completely different room.
A new carpet was put in the place of the old one.
The walls got a fresh coat of paint.
Your room became a secondary room for fabric aplenty,
For all of the sewing projects Mommom would make.

When the room was clear,
Before all the fabric moved inside,
Sometimes I would go into the room,
And just stand.
I’d think of what it used to be,
The place where you formerly resided.
I’d think of what could have been,
Sometimes that’s all someone can do.
But this is the way it went,
The way that the story ended.

You were only human,
And you made a dumb mistake,
And you became addicted,
And you couldn’t get away.
I know that you tried.
As hard as you could,
I just wish you were still here,
And you did what you should.

I think you could have changed,
If only you had a bit more time
However, was the one thing,
That we didn’t have.
That’s the hardest thing to cope with.

I know that life will be hard,
And I know that it won’t always be easy,
But I know that there are better ways to cope,
Then tearing your life apart.

I know that you tried your hardest,
And I wish that you tried a bit harder,
And I hope that one day,
I’ll talk to you again,
The man freed from his burdens.

And if not…
I hope that you know,
Someway, somehow you know,
That your nephew loves you more…
Than he ever got to show,
And you ever got to know.

Is she really gone?
She will comeback I assured myself,
And I'll  dreadfully  wait for you, mother,
I still can't wrap it around my head ,
Tears are clouding my eyes,
Heavy and painful drops are rolling down my chin,
My handkerchief is all soaked,
Is she really gone?

Where are you momma?
Have you forgotten about us, your children?
Are you watching over us?
Do you really remember to pray for us?
Will you ever come back?

Somedays are hard to bear,
Sometimes we need a  shoulder to lean on,
Our shoulders have become so heavy,
Jokes ain't funny anymore,
Will you ever come back?

Each day you reminded us, how someday  you'll  be no more and we will miss you,
Words cut deeper than a knife , but your death struck us like thunder,
We watched you slip away day by day,
I wish I could time travel and runaway from this harsh reality,
Will you ever come  back?

I've often receded
with these tears, back into
shadows of past moments,
digging into scars,
redrawing the wounds,
lifting a heaving chest
to drag it back down
with the setting sun.

Coming into your light
had been a forged destiny,
but I'll never know
what I ever meant,
when arms are broken,
being unable to fix
what is lost.

When I said to you
I'll never float apart
from your once-yearning
distant heart,
I felt it in the call
of birds in the trees,
as I allowed myself
to walk forward,
even if it led me
over the edge.

Here I am
to drink in stillness,
to remember you
in your frozen state.
I released a hand,
as you are at peace,
as I am here
to let go of a petal
for your cemented,
sealed place.

Your hand slipped away from mine
So, so cold as autumn leaves
And that cold, cold morning wine
And the handguns of thieves.

Reaching out I saw you go
So, so still as naked trees
And that same old morning glow
And the nests that hold the bees.

One sunny summer day.
In the middle of summer break.
A boy was pleasantly surprised to find,
A cat in his backyard.

The cat was frantic at first,
It hid under a vintage, rusted old car,
The boy’s father’s dream lying to waste.
But after some bribery, clean water, and pets,
The cat had gained a new friend.

The cat decided then that it would stick around,
So it was bound and determined to stay relevant.
The boy would take the cat on his nature walks,
Throughout the forest that sprawled all across the backyard.
The cat was loyal, it followed his every step,
And it never resisted when he reached down to pet it.
The purring helped put the boy’s mind at ease,
Something he desperately needed.
It distracted him,
From the pain in his heart.

You see his family of three,
Used to be of four,
But after five long happy years,
Fate came to settle the score.
The family had just begun to settle into their new normal,
When the cat came into their lives,
It was as if fate was apologizing for the way it treated them,
Or maybe that was a self-aware lie.

The cat and the boy bonded like siblings,
The boy would tell the cat what was on his mind,
It was so vivid he nearly tricked himself into believing,
That his late little brother was alive.
A few months later, school began,
And every day the boy would bid the cat farewell.
But something stirred within the cat,
Something told it that things weren’t “well”.

The boy was starting high school,
The weight of the world slowly pressed onto his back.
He never truly comprehended the full magnitude of the situation,
Till it was too late to go back.

The boy was bright amidst a flurry of distorted lights,
It was a shame that he was quiet.
So many ideas he had were laid to waste inside his mind,
Because he was afraid of being wrong instead of right.
But the boy had a major problem,
He was feeling overwhelmed.
His pain was boiling to a head,
And no one was there to comfort him.
How could they understand?
People were siphoning the joy from his life,
The glee he once shared with his brother and then the cat,
It all came to a close one winter night,
When the straw broke the camel’s back…

The cat saw a van covered in flashy lights,
It saw the boy being taken on a metal bed.
As the van sped away, and the boy’s parents followed,
The cat noticed the sky becoming gray.

Hours later, the parents returned,
But to the cat’s dismay,
Only two pairs of feet got out of the car,
As all the pieces fell into place.
And as the thunder boomed,
And the rain poured,
And the parents began to cry,
The cat finally realized:
That the boy had died.

The whole world started to mourn,
Because they knew they had lost a radiant light,
It would be a hard few days,
But nothing compared to that night.
The birds stopped singing,
The crickets stopped chirping,
The dogs stopped barking,
Even the predators stopped hunting,
The world stood still in succor,
Enigmatic bliss.

However in the wake of all the tragedy,
Something inconceivable occurred,
When the parents of the boy walked through their front door,
They left it open with intent.
The cat curiously meandered to the entrance,
As the parents motion for the cat to come in.
After all, the least that they could do was,
Give a home to a family friend…

In a lonely darkened pit I wander, some might call it hell but it's far too familiar with every texture, every smell.
It's been with me for so long I choose to call it home this cold and lonely labyrinth of desperation that I roam.

Searching in vain for my true love fair

Crying out her name hoping she'll be there, but only the wind will answer echoing her name, taunting me and haunting me is it all just a dream, an opioid delusion as a field of poppies I cross.

Breathing in a fragrance nearly as intoxicating as her, down the rabbit hole I tumble everything becomes a blur.

Alice sweet Alice won't you please come home. This is no wonderland since you've gone.