you say you want me back and you're sorry for pushing me away
you were scared of getting hurt
and you felt an overwhelming amount of emotion while you were with me
you didn't know how to handle it

but as the days go by you miss me more and more
you wish you never let me go because you can't find the spark anywhere else
and because you know i was such a rare find
so you hate yourself for running away

but then i woke up.

"i hate him"
but i still think about you, for some reason

"i never want to see him again"
i'm scared that when i see you again, it'll all come back

"he means nothing to me"
but you were everything to me

the only way i can describe the way you made me feel was pure ecstasy.
now you make me ache like an old would on a cold day,
temporarily forgotten,
never gone.
why can't i rid you?
everything feels like a dream,
and i can't wake up.

screams and nags
violence consumes her home
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

insults after insults
words that can shatter the heart
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

marks left on her skin
cries for help, wishing it could just get better
but that's the only form of love she's ever known

"i love you" doesn't mean anything anymore
it's always been just a lie to her
affection and kindness are all just a mind game, right?

he walks in her life with good intentions
intentions of only to love her
but he becomes afraid once he realizes the darkness she, as a person, entails

she can't help but become hostile
she scares him away, even though she knows her heart longs for him the most
self sabotage is what she does best

he leaves in order to take care of himself
he knows he wouldn't be happy with someone as unstable
but she understands, because that's the only form of love she's ever known

i'm practically on my hands and knees, Lord
begging for a sign
of whether i should stay or go

by holding onto you
i'm failing my friends
i'm failing my family
but worst of all, i'm failing myself

every time i think about us
i remember the way we smiled while looking into each other's eyes
but every time i realize you're no longer here
my eyes well up
and become flooded with a pool of tears

my heart stings and longs for you
i just don't know why i wasn't enough for you to stay
i miss you so much
maybe you'll come back some day

you were a trivial person to be around but i enjoyed hearing your laughter and holding your hand
your hand
hands
holding your face in my two hands, wow i thought
what a pretty boy he must not have intentions set
your hands
they trailed up and down my thighs
im really uncomfortable, please stop
im too afraid to move your hand away
this is turning into something else
you ask if your uninvited hand is okay where it is and i don’t say no but i don’t say yes either so that’s some sort of sign
right?
i wish it was but your hands continues to circle my porcelain slit thighs
opened the other day because i was overcome with a wave of disgust
must i always show of my chest or thighs
it’s when you were most interested it felt
i hated doing this
im only sixteen
i felt disgusting i still do it hasn’t been too long since it happened
boys don’t like people like me just for me
it’s always something having to do with the rest of me that doesn’t think
oh god i cant stop feeling your hands on me i pretended it felt good but in reality i was to afraid
you know what happens when they say no
it hurts im hurt i love you i trusted you
on my couch on my bed in my own clothes you took advantage of me
i just wanted to feel the comfort of your fingertips against mine your head on my shoulder not your hand in between my thighs your thumb shoved down my throat and your lips on my neck and chest god
i wish i could forget
incoherent thoughts gone since the day it happened i’m not making any sense am i
was it a crime for wanting you to make me feel wanted for more than just my body?