not a day goes by where i don't think of you
and i hate myself for it

daddy why don't you love me anymore
you know mom never did
it's almost as if you're dead
yet you're still alive
you can't protect me from her insults anymore
because now, you're the one going along with it

orange sweater with wrinkled sleeves
it fits you perfectly. it looks like it was taylored to your measurements perfectly
i bought it about a year ago
let you wear a part of me i felt safe in
worn proudly you are the boy that i thought would never
i painted a picture of you in my head in which you were perfect
i had sculpted each pore perfectly
placed each thread of your hair on your head but
i guess i must have done something to mess up because the perfect picture i painted
dripped with wet unset paint
on top of me suffocating, i couldn’t move
i could only see your chest covered in the stupid orange sweater
tongue deep down my throat with your hand on my neck
your face is dripping on mine this wasn’t who you were supposed to be
it hasn’t been longer than a week but the days drag on years and pull on gods ears and beg for more time to pass but less and less goes by
never ending i feel like i’m stuck
im in an artblock
your face is gone but it was just there i must have misplaced the brush that i drew your short eyelashes with
whimpering you are but why, was it something i did?
my paint brushes are all intact and my workspace is clean
how could i have messed up
the painting with the orange sweater delicate brown eyes and thick bleach hair is dripping
off the canvas
i haven’t done much other than wait for you to dry our before i can add more on to you
but you won’t dry and you’re on top of me
my neck is wet with the saliva you won’t stop touching me
no i said i would take a break from this canvas but it’s encasing me i cannot leave
i messed up havent i
wonder why i did to deserve this
im using my fingers to put your streaky smile back in place don’t look at me like that please
i have to ask for you to leave i cannot stand the shade of orange you’re wearing being on top of me
please leave
im letting you out to dry

in the same position i can’t move
my neck is casted by guilt i must have done something wrong
looking back that couldn’t have been you
it must have been the wrong medium
your acrylic is dry and patched you couldn’t have torn me down like the thin canvas dripping with trauma filled sweat
no because you would never let yourself wear something mine while you took myself from my own body
right?
youre the boy i painted over and over in my head just to get you right
hold my hand let’s go for a walk hold me tight because the wind against my cheek causes a shiver down my spin
lift my head up to glance at the intentional light because you know i’m scared of looking down at the petrifying dark
but you burned my eyes and i am no longer mine the painting is ruined and i can’t fix it
but that’s not who i planned for you to be you would never do that because i don’t mess up the watercolor goes on thick paper while you go on premeditated canvas
was it me?
have i misread but i do not misread i am not an idiot it’s not my fault you chose to do this yet i cant not feel this in my chest
im a failed artist with a body stolen in disgust
i want my orange sweater with wrinkled sleeves back

"i'm not going anywhere"
what a lie

she started realizing her worth
until she was set back again
she realized she drove everyone away
no one wants to deal with a broken little girl anyway

maybe she doesn't deserve anything
maybe she deserved the pain
after all she wasn't a perfect person
she's made a lot of mistakes

"maybe it's karma" she thought
she was spiraling more and more each day
she grew more angry with herself
and dark thoughts took over again

they creeped back into her mind, right when started doing well again
this time, the thoughts are more intense and strong
the temptation is there
but she knows she shouldn't give in

she wants to so badly though
she thinks she deserves to feel the pain
after all she drove everyone away
no one wants to deal with a broken girl anyway

daddy didn't love her did he
mommy didn't love her either did she
she was used to it though

seasons change and time went by
she realized she wasn't used to it
she realized her soul was rotting away

nobody likes to be caught in a storm
nobody wants to drown in the ocean
so they always left her before she ****** them in

a broken little girl wasn't she
a broken girl who would never be able to feel love
since everyone who realized she was broken left

i was told i overwhelmed you
i overshared my problems
the art of self sabotage is quite interesting isn't it

i was too much for you to handle
guess i wasn't good enough
this pathetic cycle of thinking returned once again

i shouldn't let a silly boy determine my worth
my confidence wavers now though
now i question everything, all because you left

i now spend every night
picking at my every flaw
and hating myself for it, wishing i could change

i wish you liked me
the way i liked you
every second my heart is tearing apart
and you don't even seem to care

it’s snowing again, my skin is getting dry
peeking out the window to hear the silent sound
god is staring down at me
gifting me my favorite part of the year with suffocation
i get it though
snowflakes trickle down the spine of the part of me left out for dead
staring at the sky
will you blink first, god?
my eyes leak salty tears
god i am so tired
im sorry i stopped believing in you but can you blame me?
all knowing god that gifts me the burden of depression in my favorite season that once brought me joy
my screaming prayers were never answered
things never got better, god
i begged and begged but you were never there
i wrote them on my arms and thighs begging you to never lose sight on the ruby red blood that was drained into the fresh snow
have you forgotten your children?
it was promised that things you had happen were for a reason but god
father if you will
why have my prayers and thoughts been turned away
triggered into suicide this is my last attempt
amen

I shouldn't be feeling this way I know
But every part of my heart beats for you
Every second of every day
All that's on my mind is you

There's a war going on in my heart
The soldiers stomping around the edges of each and every vessel
The voices shouting
But amidst the chaos, all I can think of is how I felt when we looked into each other's eyes

Those eyes of yours, that smile of yours
It feels like paradise whenever I venture into them
Our souls connected in an instant, they quickly became intertwined
And I just can't seem to forget it