i have felt the hands of god
they were my brother's hands
feeling me up on the living room couch
only eleven and i knew
god was a greedy teenage boy
with sweaty hands and a *******

i claw myself out of it
the mud still stuck
on the hem of my jeans
there is dirt in my fingernails
and everything hurts
in a way it has never been before
i have been lovestruck before
but while he brought out my softness
you brought me down to my knees

i claw myself out of it
i was sinking in it alone
and i am not the kind of woman
who wants to be pinned down, forlorn pining
i am the kind of woman who leaves
so i haul my ******* *** out
arms shaking, begging for reprieve
breaking the surface feels like dying
before it feels like living again

i claw myself out of it
and there in the quiet morning
the sky an electric blue
bruised, bleeding, breathing
i realize -
she tore me up but
she taught me a lot about love
and that is more than enough

you know, i make these conversations in my head. i tell myself things you could never say, things i want to hear dripping from your mouth. things that make sense, things that weigh as heavily as open ended sentences. they taste like sweet peppermint in my mind, soothing to the burning feeling in the soul. i bet it feels good to be written over and over and over. there’s something satisfying about trying to make it work, then i light it up and send you its ashes, soft to touch and death-like in its stillness. have you seen ashes before? i have cremated my love with words. maybe when we spread it to the wind i’ll whisper a tiny thought to germinate in your brain: you don’t know how lucky you were to have held my attention for this long.

she's just the kind of girl
basement dwellers portray
scamming cash from weirdos
the dumb ones anyway

she wants to be a doctor
but life gets in the way
she still finds time to hit the gym
and keep the belly at bay

sometimes I have to pinch her
"just making sure you're real"
she smiles but I don't think she knows
the way she makes me feel

it's like rain at the window
while you're warm inside
it's finding the sharpest pencil
when you really need to write

it's the clinking of coffee cups
beneath the morning sun
and Euclid's consternation
as two remain one

she's just my kind of girl
that's all I have to say
the kind of girl to make you wish
you could sleep all day

I’m rocking back and forth against the hull of my loneliness,
Stuck in knowing it’s goodbye
But not being able to say I love you
or I’m sorry.
I’m crying with joy and longing as I lie in the love and conversation around me,
Wishing it were mine.
I’ve been high so long my heart rate stopped going down with the sun.
Going over it all all over again all the time.
I feel like a child again, terrified by the the dark, the wind, the eyes of men.
I’m breaking down in the line at the gas station.
Looking out the glass wall at a Lovecraftian highway,
Flickering florescent lights like the ones from The Exorcist.
On my way to a cavernous husk of a family dinner,
Most of them gone now.
Just me, my mother, and my widowed, bereaved, great aunt.
There’s a stupid old cardboard cutout of a mascot next to me grinning too widely, holding up its product.
I scream and tear it’s head off it’s body
In my mind.
I have work on Monday.
This is life.

It had been a while
Even tho no tears were shed
I could feel it was a wound tt would possibly leave a huge scar
I had no bad intentions when i said it
I had no ill meaning when i did it
I did it out the pure feeling of longing
Out of the innocent feeling of yearning
If i had to mke an apology
I would be apologising for loving a woman like a lil girl


It was all love at first
And that love kept growing n spiraling out of control
Every Time my hrt beat ...... i swear i could feel it ...... as if its about to break through the cage
Every Time i put my hand on my chest it was as if im trying to calm a mad dog down
A feeling i loved n hated
Cause Every Time it reminded me of how deep it was
How deep the wound was gonna be
As i kept replaying the worst case scenario in my head
And making more rush decisions
In a sad attempt to protect my heart


In the end it didn't hurt
At least not at the moment
But the longer i sat there the more i could feel the wound opening
As if its about to rip my hrt in 2
I clutched at my chest
Held on for dear life
The laughter echoed in the empty starry nyt
Reminisce of a broken heart
No, a broken mind
As i sat there feeling regret from the words protect your heart.

Recently “minutes” or recently “hours”?
Recently, minutes were reasonably ours.
Like how I “recently” saw him at the grocery store,
And “recently” went back, hoping I might again.

Sure, we spoke…
Recently.

So I logged on, recently,
Just to see what’s up.
That’s how it always is,
And the status is always the same:
“Recently”

built up my walls
to avoid this
reinforced them with metal
lined up the windows with wood
bolted the doors
Swore on my life that I wouldn't let anyone through
but I missed a hole in the corner
and a little mouse snuck in somehow;  undetected
but I let it roam as it pleased
It wouldn't harm me?

little did I know he was a devil in disguise