I'm sorry for pushing you away
hard enough to make you break
My hands are cold and I keep them that way
on purpose, kind of,  
out of habit,
definitely,
I have a fear of going in, and letting people see me.
I'm sorry for pushing you away,
fast enough to make you lose your breath,
My time is not worth another minute of yours,
I'm being honest.

I don't do it out of fear, really,
I think I lied before.
I do it out of misery,
I don't deserve the things you gave me.

I'm sorry for the things I said while I was drinking
I'm sorry for who I become when I'm wasted
I'm sorry for wasting your time by pushing you away
I'm sorry, I have this way about me that makes connecting scary
and I would say "It isn't you, it's me"
But I haven't identified the source of this inescapable misery
I'm sorry for what I said
I'm sorry for everything

low hum, cold rain
i take three extra pills to focus on anything
but you
and how i was so proud to show you off
i put you up on a shelf
made sure you never got *****,
i was so proud to call you mine,
to have something of my own
that i forgot to lock the door to my own home
and let everybody in,
and they took everything
i was so scatter brained with you
trying to make you happy
planning my next move,
i never paid attention to my own pieces
and now they're broken
and i don't even have the energy to put them back together
i was so proud to call you mine
when you barely knew you were half the time

I tried to turn this anger into art
oh, god did I pray for one stroke of beauty
I was blinded by fog and the nausea consumed me
I fell to my knees looking for a single way to make sense of this hate
I don't remember how to channel my energy, the kind that just drains me
Into something healthy, something beautiful, something colorful
I just know that I'm struggling to stay above water
The tide comes in aggresively, and I am looking for a fight
I start arguments with the mirror to distract myself long enough not to collapse
Because I remember you're not coming back,
You're never coming back


*******.

I'm filling a void I can't identify
trying to make meaning of these wasted days
I waste away waiting for a sign
I'm not as dreadful as you made me feel
Part of me used to laugh
at the thought of letting someone else,
anyone else, besides myself
dictate how I felt
but now I struggle
to feel anything at all

I quit smoking
sure it made the haze in my head softer
and it was already hard to breathe before
but I didn't want the habit already stuck
when I finally stopped wanting to die
I wonder when that day will come
I won't start smoking again
Not because I have hope that it will stop raining
or visions of a clearer future
but because I know that nothing will fill this void
Especially not, now fading memories of a summer
and a lover
and a boy

I wish
I could write
about anything
anyone
anywhere
other than you


*I am tired

The part I hate the most about this feeling
is that it doesn't look pretty in paint
nor does it sound lovely in lyrics
it doesn't rectify the emptiness
when I pour myself into other people's cup
I fill them up to forget what I am full of
things I do not love
colors that do not transfer well onto paper
words that don't make sense
nothing about this comes together
in ways that can expand and commence
this feeling is not a pattern
this suffering is not art
you can't trace a deadly storm that you did not acknowledge
from the start

tied down by chains
I welded myself
steel pricking into my irritated wrists
I am no martyr
I die for nothing
this is all I have to give
my own personal prison
I maintain the walls
I let this happen
I love the fall

Please don't let yourself get mad
You break people around you while blindfolded
Please don't let the sadness manifest in ugly patterns that let you shatter smiles
Please don't let yourself get hot
You'll want someone to take it away
Your sting will hurt another's heart
You could have saved today
Please don't bleed cold blood on others
Whom have reached out warmer hands
You don't bleed honey, you sting and you leave
Please don't repeat his actions and please don't grieve
Anymore
He's not coming back

I don't know how you do it
without even acknowledging me
you make my stomach twist into a ball
you make my knees too weak
I still get sick when I think about
the times we used to have
I still hate myself for holding on
I still get sick wondering where it went bad