Where did you go?
Where have you been?
Does me crawling back mean that you really did win?
Where do I head?
How will I know?
What if I can't because this fog ties me to my bed?
Where did you go?
Why won't you come back?

I tried to write a long piece
about missing you
still writing things about things we would do
the September fog wrapped me up like celafain
I tried to write a long piece
but my hands wouldn't stop shaking

I tried to write to you
and tell you how I've been
but a year later
and not much has happened
you moved on
I moved back
the city feels empty even with the world on my back

I tried to write a long piece
about liberation and hope
and how it gets better if you let it
but a year later,
and I still choke up

so I don't write anymore
I don't sleep anymore,
I don't look for love anymore
and that's something I have had to
learn to store away until the day
I stop missing you, stilll

I run to pretend
I drink to forget
I write to express
I smoke to find rest
I go out to digress

I run to pretend that 6 months have not past since you left
I drink to forget that they have
I write to express the pit manifesting inside me
I smoke to find rest in days that almost **** me
I  stay busy to digress from the truth that you don't miss me

Over sweetened
Fall decay
Covered up in caramel
Flannel sheets line freezing beds
That rot from the inside out
I, too unwind this way
And walk on red, yellow leaves the same day
In black boots I bought to repel the rain
I chew on candy apples
My teeth are weak where they start at the roots
They glisten on the surface
Someday they grow too fragile
To stay in place
Fall decay
Covered up in caramel
I miss the feeling of holding hands
The empty half of my bed looks quite a lot like hell
Fall decay
Covered up in caramel
I have a feeling in my gut
From swallowing my pride and ignoring your call
Fall decay
Over sweetened
I wish I'd taken care of these cavities

Like turning off the light but leaving on the lamp,
you can see the corner of the room where it is,
where the boxes of pictures collect dust,
where the old letters start to rip
but you keep the lamp on
for fear of losing sight
of boxes you hide
from yourself
you lie


you miss him
and you pretend you don't
you feel it every time you kiss another
inside you tighten up and get a chill in your bones
you put the memories away but will not throw them out
becuase in the back of the room you still see the door by the lamp
and you still wish he would come through it and say he's figured it out

I wish I could scrub my veins clean
of the tar and memories
I would scrape the sides clear
of everything you whispered in my ear
all lies, cliche
I hate feeling this way

Crimson winds in Early September
blew my own smoke back into my face
so I got a double dose of ashes, burning my surfaces
I stopped digging into my skin with metal
but filled my lungs with tar
and I can't tell what's worse
Forgetting to take in sherbert skies because
I'm too high
or being there but not caring in the first place

I remember the first time you called me fat
I forgave you

And for that, I struggle to forgive myself

I remember the first time you called me annoying
My chest fell into my gut
The feeling of my stomach acid eating at the words I pushed back  down my throat with whatever simple starch I could salvage
Is something I'll always remember

I remember the first time you said I broke your heart
And just how mine stopped
And how in 3 weeks it'll be a year since I gave my body away to a stranger and you held it over me like a plague in medieval times would've spread across my weakened body
I remember it strongly
I remember our first kiss,
I remember our last,
I remember the day I knew I didn't love you anymore,
If I could get that feeling to pass,
Because it's unfair you're happy,
When I'm still stuck in January when you told me in bullet form everything I did wrong
And it didn't make sense how I tried to leave but you wouldn't let me
Nd then you left
It isn't fair
You're gone, you're there,
And I'm no one, I'm nowhere

Suddenly it's 4am
I'm purging into my pillow again
I realize no one's come in since you left
Nor has anyone tried to

Suddenly the sun is rising
Bringing light to memories I hid
Under layers of makeup and laughter
Were months I pretended I was healed
And in that light I realize,
I never lost the feeling of what we had
Our days are faded images in my scrapbook mind, my attic stays dark and shady,
But early twilights in late August wipe clean the wool I've let cover them comfortably
Suddenly it's 4am
On the first day of the 6th month since you left
And I realize, I'm still there, acting like it was a theft,
And just like a crime, you'll do your time, but justice would be served, you'd come back

And suddenly,
I realize,
This is real life
And you aren't

What brings storms to August evenings
the humidity from months before
clumps like a cloud over barren grasslands
we beg for rain but run for cover when she delivers
this thirst cannot be quenched with quick, violent floods
for they reach only the surface
penetrate our drying soils, she does not
when she leaves our muddy skin to now soil, steep and rot

What brings storms to August evenings
when we have just started to like the heat?
the light is harsh and white and yellow
the thunder breaks the streets
What brings storms to summer nights
when we have just began to swim?
To land we must now go
because the water's getting sharper
the waves are mean
we begged for rain
not storms that drain our land
What brings storms to August evenings?
the ones we wasted inside anyway