I'm okay with not being okay
and that's okay
I didn't want to wake up
and face the day today
Didn't want to be alone again
Surrounded only by empty air
and voices in my head
Telling me they've told me
For the millionth time to let go
and I hold on tighter
Let it out but keep the leash on
Let it leech my hopes out of me
But that's okay I guess
I promise I'm okay
Even when I'm not

Today my heart decided to weight down in my chest to keep me grounded in reality. Reality that I love and I hate just as I love and hate myself for reasons only understood if you walked where I walked.

The sun stretched her rays across my face and somehow it reminded me of her, the subtle glow she had at times when everything just felt right. She was a sunset waterfall on a clear summer evening.

God, the thoughts in my head that are stuck like a spin cycle. I fall asleep loving her, wake up missing her, and live every day without her. That thing I mentioned earlier, reality, says she's gone but my heart still says no.

So let me write about everything inside that makes me feel so hollow. She was everything I invested in but could not impress so instead she impressed on me that she wasn't the one for me like she knew better. Maybe darling, we both are wrong.

You're an unknown,
An apocalypse waiting for someone to say "yes"
When the storm brews and bruises everything you know,
What is there to show or to tell?
Battered hearts strewn at show & tell;
Go tell the teacher we're all hurting down here;
Our pride keeps us from looking up, so we look down and let our tears water the grass and we call ourselves gods for that;
Like surviving a broken heart is a supernatural power
that surviving love transforms us into super heroes;
Nothing about us is super or heroic;
We're just all broken to varying degrees

Amazing how for no reason//
Everything will remind me of her//
And all this weight I carry on my spine//
Breaks my mind in two//
The past//
The present//
The what-ifs//
The colors of reality move in slow motion//
Just like the memory reel playing in my head//
Lost in thought and talking to ghosts//
These headaches don't go away anymore//
I'm drowning in the deserts of my mind//
Let it go, hold on, it's all the same
Sterile and stoic madness, shame//
I lay down and dream to never wake//

Oh these dreams have made my eyes feel hollow and heavy
Ready to lay to rest, regrets and remorse of yesterday
Pulled in every which way 'til pulled no more
Every piece of peace wrought 'til crushed
Meaningless words found meaningless
Words meaning less and less
Lest freedom be found
Alone I walk away
From my self
Myself

Draw out the bitterness and depression,
forgive me for making myself a *****, God,
I never meant to hate You or Your Bride,
This is poisoning my soul,
Deprived of Your free love,
You can have the pain,
the regrets,
to make me the best I am,
for You.

People unfold, and relationships do too//
It hurts like ice on an open wound//
Fire in the stomach that won't subside//
Lightning that flashes and dies//
A hundred thousand lies//

I don't love you anymore//
I don't love you anymore//
I don't love you anymore//

Maybe this time the rose will wither//
Open this chest up and remove me from it//
Push me away like I pushed you away//
I don't deserve it anymore//
Believe this one lie//

I don't love you anymore//
I don't love you anymore//
I don't love you anymore//

Because//
I still do//

Concrete meets the sea
Illusion of heaven's gates
Crystal lies breed plagues

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