Why do I feel this way? Am I crazy? Maybe I’m manipulative, just like she says. Maybe I’m so far gone that I can’t even recognize it anymore. I’d like to believe I’m not, but doesn’t everyone think that about themselves? What if I hate them so much because, deep down, I’m just like them? You point out things I do, and in my mind, I rationalize them, they make sense to me, but isn’t that exactly what a crazy person would do? I don’t want to feel this way. My thoughts are racing, tumbling over each other like a runaway train, unstoppable. What’s happening to me? Why can’t I make it stop? I shouldn’t unload this on anyone else. She doesn’t deserve it, not her, never her. She doesn’t, she doesn’t, she doesn’t. I swear I try to listen, I do listen, wait, what did she say again? Why am I dredging up things from the past? I tell myself it’s to prove my point, but is it? Or am I just pinning her down under the weight of it all? I wanted to make us better, to help us grow. But what if I’m not doing that? What if I’m the one dragging us both down? A faint noise catches my ear. It’s nothing, just the wind, but my mind spins, what if it’s not? What if he’s back? What if he’s here to finish what he started? It’s not fair. I tried. Didn’t I try? Maybe I should’ve tried harder, been better, when she needed me most. Now, I’m shaking, suffocating under the crushing weight of my own thoughts. Am I crazy? I feel crazy. I can’t stop this spiral. I can’t distract myself. I can’t even remember the last time my mind was still, when I could truly let go. I count the seconds, one by one, waiting for the inevitable. Why?

Sometimes it's harder to forgive myself than others.

We don't have to know anyone else, just us again
You sigh, look away
I can see it clear as day
I'm sorry, time breaks and sun rays are all I dream of
I'm sorry again, I didn't mean it

I stand there all alone
Diamonds in our hands
Do-do-do, do-do-do

Funny how it seems like yesterday
When I was looking out of place
Daydreaming of cigarettes
It's my wife, and it's my life
I'm still here, have you seen her?

So much is going on while I'm
Standing in the pouring rain
There are places I'll remember
And these memories lose their meaning
When I remember I'll lose affection

I'm cursed you see
I know I'll often stop and think about them
Standing in the pouring rain
If I can't trust you, there's no answer
And I won't be able to trust myself
And I'm sorry for romanticising you
I just want to be friends with you again
And make myself feel very small and unhappy

Because I'm older now
And everything feels a lot emptier
And I'm still churning out sad poems and then
Pretending I've grown since then
Standing in the pouring rain

I wish I could talk to you and tell you how I am feeling because I know you’d understand. You always did.
And I know you’d help. The best you could.
And it was always enough for me.
But things are different now.
I know that.
So instead I will write you a message that I'll never send.

There was a canvas lying on the floor,
his canvas was lying on the floor.

There was a canvas lying on the floor,
his canvas was covered in red,
painted by his blades.

There was a canvas lying on the floor,
his canvas was covered in blue,
painted by his fists.

There was a canvas lying on the floor,
his canvas was ruined, and overused.

He needed to get a new one,
since he loved painting so much.

He always had a smile on while painting his canvases.