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julie Jan 2020
he was 13 years old when I first met him
in the white corridor
endless linoleum floor
the sound of screeching rubber shoes
nurses tired from their night shift
wayward doctors brooding over their next case
there he came
slipped into the waiting room
as quickly as his mutated feet allowed him
his life; bizarre
his black hair stuck close to his forehead
deaf
nearly blind
but there's something in his eyes
a glimpse of life
the perception?
a rattling breath, a shrug
his back is bent
his fifth operation
his trembling, pale hands, which he holds in front of his chest
like crooked but delicate dragonfly wings
the chaos of chromosomes
mutation
he wasn't just ill
he was the disease
jonas Jan 2020
Sometimes I walk through the halls in the dark and remember
Sometimes I look down into the toilet and see the pills and poison I threw up that night
Sometimes I wake up and do not remember falling asleep and I am terrified to think:

What if I did it again? I know I didn’t want to

Sometimes I want to leave the house again in the dead of night and walk back down that road
Just to see if I could find that place again
To feel the presence of God
And the cold in the air
And know that I am going to be okay.

I know there is a crumpled suicide note somewhere in the walls of this room
I have not read it
I am afraid to.
I am more afraid someone else will find it first
That they will think it recent
Because
Because maybe I didn’t date it

But maybe I did.

I don’t remember why I came back
I don’t remember the final thud of the hammer of reasons against the nail of decisions.
I remember crying
The cold seeping to the bones
The streams of messages
All from one person
Lingering by the road sign for one last goodbye
Back and forth
Back and forth.

Please let me go.

I come to the crossroads
I linger
Think about turning around
Don’t be a screwup, boy
Not any more than you already are.
Mama’s gonna **** me
But isn’t that what I wanted?

What do I want?

Mama’s gonna **** me
When I come home
How am I gonna break this
I talked to myself all the way back
“I’ll explain on the way there
Just take me to the hospital.”
I lost my courage after hurling what looked like ******* orange crush
I can taste death in the soda pop.

Driving 90 on the highway curve
I’ve lost my way
I’ve lost all sense of time and space

I’ve lost me.

08:05
Geometry
12:34
History

I have to tell them what you did
They have to know
Poor boys
Housing a freak show.

“I heard you walking around. but I just went back to sleep.”

"Girlie"
Get better soon
The flinch in my tired heart
Her teardrops and a lost embrace
Mama’s in the backseat

“My baby tried to **** herself”

I still have those clothes
I could have died in
I think I'm wearing the pants
As I write this past one in the morning
I know exactly where the shirt is
Crumpled in the drawer.
Just a stomachache. Back to school tomorrow. Then someday I’ll come clean.

Sometimes I wish I’d said yes
I wish they would have known to coddle me
To treat me like a broken vase
A tortured child who’s seen to much
That’s all I was.

But now I’ve superglue.
And I'm healing.
In order to see the truth within
Sometimes I have to turn around.
written sometime after my last suicide attempt (2017).
Nicole Co Jan 2020
May
Pulled up from the waves enough
to squeeze your sister’s hand -
my father cried for you.
I think I cried for him.
Maybe the years will all come rushing
back when the sun finally dries the shores for good.
Cerasium Jan 2020
I have a few more days
In this prison cell
That they call
A hospital ward

Too long has it been
Since I have tasted freedom
I now feel like
I'm on a bed of roses

Feeling my skin
Getting ripped apart
Bit by little bit
It bleeds over the thorns

Soaking into the petals
Staining the white buds red
Dripping down to the floor
And making a pool of crimson

Waiting with anxiety
And anguish
Hoping to be free
To roam around once again

To walk amongst the living
To cast out my shadow
And inhale the fresh air
With my toes in the sand

But that seems like hopeful wishing
And maybe it is
But that is my wish
For a perfect vacation
Cassandra Dec 2019
I am standing in the dim hospital hallway.

My soul has left her body and she is travelling
through a syringe tip,

squeezing life

from lung.

She pauses beside a broken skeleton
and admires his sunken eyes and feathery hair.
Edges along his arm cut the apparition to her bone
as away he rolls, like a cadaver
she loved before the dissection that destroyed it.

Then, sudden warmth in blue
behind her, smiling,

burning

in a language futuristic.

She recoils and responds, lizardlike,
cold, unfeeling,

full.

The ghosts snaps back inside me,
agitates my insides,
and I leave my dinner on the linoleum.
Elijah Bowen Dec 2019
childish, shattered blue pottery
rivers and a diversity of children.
to each, their broad shirts and scribbles
for heads, mouths, faces, arms.
winking at me about heaven or nirvana or both. more.
they seem wiser.
i heard that all time is occurring at once.
looking here, i see it all as reflection.
the bright infant depictions hand everything back to me as if to say-
this was this wall. this, was where you sat
and looked into it and laughed your little laugh. see? then all the leftovers-
so soggy, how they dripped off the cheap white plastic. so sad, how
you lived, some others died.
they hand me the truth like their homemade bread in the linen
(this is my body...)

joy, like anything, is born to fragments made more whole.
place your thumb on the ones with the silly chipped paint and buried toddlers’ finger nails,
and remember how both happen all at once.
like a cough.
like a child (yours) letting go of life and then the pillowcase.
like rain and the fireworks.
like all the ways how you can collect someone in your arms and speak to them
about this moment.

here is a construct.
make into a home.

after all, there is so little time.
the children meet at the hands to make a circle. everything all at once.
a pacifism of crayon box hues.
they each confide that they’re the end, the middle, and the beginning.
and one after another,
like green blips on the panels
like god and a pulse, those pyrrhic, incandescent blues
then breakage-
I close my eyes to believe them.
(do this in remembrance of me)
Iz Dec 2019
I remember the supervised showers
The crushed ice
The cries at night
The feeling of losing control
The idea that earbuds with the right twist and ties could make me die
The sewn on pillowcases
The weapon in scissors, mirrors, handles, sheets, bedposts, bags, shampoo, straps, glass, pens
The misdemeanor
The boy who’s anorexia was his slow suicide
The girl with two siblings that killed themselves
How everyone wanted to **** themself
The 7-year-old that only cried
The lime green hallways that haunt my mind
Found this poem from a year ago
Andreas Peter Dec 2019
Sterile white dragon
Lunge
Silvered claws held high
And carve my love
From life
To life
Cold medical maw
To swallow whole, and
Hopefully
Spit back out
Renewed
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